I left Facebook for a week. I thought a social detox was what I needed. I’m back and working my way unfollowing the negativity, deleting toxic people and building walls up around those who have intentionally or unintentionally hurt me (because at this age-they should’ve known better). After having a baby (that has given me an incredible amount of difficulty as it is since his birth), COVID-19, taking care of a 6-year-old and a 3-year-old and having absolutely no supportive family around, I’ve begun to live within my own toxic thoughts. My mind has destroyed me. My faith has left me. While I felt isolated and deserted, I knew I had it in me to fight this. The devil will not win. While my husband is gone now more than 50% of the time (3 weeks at a time), and I’ve been robbed of ever going back to work anytime in the foreseeable future (I miss working. I love working. I craved that outlet) and since this virus has forced us to be home bound from any social interaction for nearly half of the year, I’m determined to fight for my mental freedom and clarity. I don’t know all the answers. I don’t know how to make X, Y, and Z work. But I need to start at point A. I’m sleep deprived, constantly battling breastfeeding/feeding issues, I barely (if ever) eat, I’ve lost more weight in a month then any normal human should. I’m losing muscle and nutrients are lacking as it’s showing in recent onset of continuous panic attacks (again). My anxiety is relentless. My mind is on overdrive. Thoughts that lead to other thoughts that lead to more thoughts that lead to worry that just never take a rest. I.am.exhausted. I need my faith back. I need church and community. I need to give myself grace again. I need to re-evaluate “friends” that were supposed to be in my corner. While facebook paints a pretty picture of life, I’m here to tell you that mine is anything but pretty. It’s messy and unorganized. It’s full of pain and sleepless nights (not just because I have a newborn). It’s full of regret and unhealed wounds. It’s full real and fake people. But it’s also full of people who love me. People who care. People who check in on me (despite how stubborn I am accepting their help). It’s full of happiness and joy. Beautiful children God has blessed me with. Even if COVID-19 wasn’t destroying each of our lives, I’d still be stubborn Stacy thinking that I, myself, could do it ALL. But the truth is, I can’t. Not this time. And I don’t want to anymore. I’m undoubtedly raw and honest. Y’all know this about me. You either love me or hate me, that’s your choice. Having a baby, postpartum, life, marriage, and all the unexpected in betweens has been tough and destructive. Turning 36-years-old this year and questioning where exactly I am going has been though. But I’m here to say I’m willing to fight the fight. The demons both in my mind and in my life. There is no room for them anymore-so stop taking up space. Get out!! If you love me, then love me through this difficult time. If you don’t, then don’t. And certainly don’t act like you do, either. A sweet friend suggested this book and I can say that it’s the BEST book I’ve ever read (and if you know me, I’ve read a lot of books!). I don’t know if it’s because it’s so fitting at this particular time in my life or if it’s just a really good one. But I’ve downloaded it on Audible and listened to it as well. I’ve written, underlined and made notes in the actual book while also listening to it again and again (yes, more than once), while up all hours of the night rocking a restless baby and/or restless mind. We are so quick to grow up, older and push time to move faster and quicker “let’s just get through one more day”. Yet, as I’m growing older, I’m realizing the value of good people. Those who stand by you when your entire world as you know it completely crumbles before you. When you aren’t “you”. When a breath just doesn’t do it. When tears and tears and tears of “whys” seem to never end. Those who offer an ear and know that you don’t expect them to give you all the answers or move mountains-that’s value! Truth is, all I need is love. Love me in this hard season. Support my choices because they’re MY choices.

In such an isolating time in this world because of COVID, reach out to everyone in your text messages. Even if you haven’t talked to them in months. You really, truly, never know the battle a person is fighting but quite possibly a simple message could make a world of difference in their hard and complicated world right now. No one ever said life would be easy. But nothing ever prepared me for the decisions I’m being forced with today. And I must admit, I don’t want to grow up and make those choices. Because my heart can’t take much more pain and destruction. It’s time to take back my faith, give it ALL to God, and let those demons go!

If you haven’t read this book…GO READ IT! I dare you. It will open your eyes to the world. Slap you in the face. Wake you up. And make you cry tears over and over again. AND ultimately make you feel determined and ready to take the steps to get out of your own head! Because I’m slowly yet surely getting out of mine.

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