Staying Positive in a World so Negative & Destructive

If I’ve learned anything from life, it’s that sometimes, the darkest times can bring us to the brightest places. I’ve learned that the most toxic people can teach us the most important lesson; that our most painful struggles can grant us the most necessary growth; and that the most heartbreaking losses of friendship and family and love can make room for the most wonderful people. I’ve learned that what seems like a curse in the moment can actually be a blessing, and that what seems like the end of the road is actually just the discovery that we are meant to travel down a different path. I’ve learned that no matter how difficult things seem, there is always hope. And I’ve learned that no matter how powerless we feel or how horrible things seem, we can’t give up. We have to keep going. Even when it’s scary. Even when all of our strength seems gone, we have to keep picking ourselves back up and moving forward, because whatever we’re battling in the moment, it will pass, and we will make it through. We’ve made it this far. We can make it through whatever comes next.

When you heal, you do change. You become more guarded. You have a wall so high, people will wonder what happened to you to make you like this. You owe no one an explanation. What you do owe is only to yourself. And that is peace of mind, body and soul. Make sure you give that to yourself, every day.

“Watch your words or actions towards other people. Don’t take your bad day out on others. People are fighting battles that are unseen. Your words can build or destroy. At the end of the day, you can be the difference between making someone feel special or making someone feel discarded. Be the difference in their life. You have no idea how dark their day might be.-Alana Weston, (2018)”

People ask me all the time: “how was your childhood?” I can only think truly and honestly think about one thing: I feel robbed. Some may think I had it great because I had free range like a chicken. But where did that get me today? What did that do for my future? How did that prepare me for life as an adult? Free range means…no boundaries, no rules…I did what I wanted. And because I had no direction, it dictated the person I became today. Very guarded. Very strong to the point of intense stubbornness. Very raw, mean and straightforward. Honest. Blunt. Sometimes too much? I had no one to teach me any different. No one to teach me right from wrong. No one to help me with homework. No one to guide me on a path to success. It was all up to me. I was alone. I felt alone. I wrote poetry. In fact, I still have the book of poetry I wrote from when I was a child sitting on my bookshelf today. I’d sat in my room as a teenager and cried day after day. My father was non-existent. My mother was in the living room drinking with friends/boyfriends, etc. My sister and I were never close as adolescents, during the most crucial identity discovery moment of ones life. And once I became an adult I prayed and desired that closeness with her. But she just couldn’t. But that, more apparent than ever, will never happen in this lifetime. Gosh, I hope I can teach my children the opposite. I’m not perfect. I will NEVER claim perfection. But my children are my project. I want them to be anything but me. I want them to love each other and be there for each other…for life. Best friends. Be each others best friend no matter what. No matter how much they hurt one another. No matter what life throws at them. And I want them love me too, somewhere in there. But mainly, I want them to have each other…forever. I want them to know that family IS forever and words can destroy a heart. So tread lightly when anger sets in.

“Now, as an adult, I realized a lot of my anger comes from having anger and abuse directed towards me as a child.-unknown”

20 Things You Didn’t Realize You Were Doing Because of Childhood Emotional Abuse

Don’t hide behind the truth. Accept it and work on moving on. Do it for you. I know I am…finally. It is a very, very, very long road to recovery and healing…if recovery and healing is even an option.

This summer was precious. I will kiss my daughter in just a few weeks, as she starts Preschool. Which means, no more Fall and Winters of just us three. My baby is all grown up. My heart is happy for her yet breaking at the same time. Where did my dark haired little teeny baby go?

I shall let go…

And finally take the time to work on me

Narcissistic abuse recovery makes you self-empowered. It brings you into yourself. It allows you to find your voice. You start making your own decisions, sharing your own opinions, setting up boundaries, allowing others to hold their own pain and anxiety instead of taking it on for them. You become more assertive and confident.

Getting help is the easy part…

Healing is the hard part…

I’m still learning…

How do you put yourself back together when you don’t even know when you fell apart?

How do you fix something that YOU didn’t break?

…Grace.

This is a real great read:

Something Is Wrong With Her…

“All emotions, even those that are suppressed and unexpressed, have physical effects. Unexpressed emotions tend to stay in the body like small ticking time bombs–they are illnesses in incubation.”

For so long, I never knew anything was wrong with me. I didn’t know that I harbored hard feelings, pain, guilt, regret, bitterness, sadness, loss, emptiness, loneliness, fear…

It wasn’t until I became a mother myself and saw, felt and experienced all the love, pain and heartache that came along with being the best mom I could possibly be. Which somedays, I’ll admit, I fall short and I never, ever, ever claim to be the perfect mother. No such exists. We all do our best. But your best has to TRULY be your best to be able to say that. That those children come first. Always. In every stage, every situation, every option, every fault, every life fail…THEY MUST come first. YOU MOLD THEM! THAT IS YOUR JOB AS A PARENT!!!! And just because I post on Facebook of what I do with my children, doesn’t mean that I am perfect and I live this blissful perfect life of no problems. Truth is, we all have them. Whether they be emotional, financial, parental, marriage, etc…it’s life, right? You’ve got to really be an idiot to think that those issues don’t consume me or our family on the best of days. You see what you see (on social media) but if you actually took the time to TALK TO ME, you’d know that it’s not what you completely “see”. But the important thing is that it’s what my kids see! See, that is the difference. Whatever it is I’m fighting internally, I hide it. I hide it from those those that don’t give a damn (family) and I hide it from my children. I never want to be that mom who turned to the bottle because life was just too much to handle. Instead, I take what I know, learn from it, rise above it (as difficult as it is to do the older I am getting) and teach them exactly what I don’t want them to be..which IS me (because I am NOT perfect). This is who I was created into as I grew up, this is what my “parents” created. If they want to take credit for something in my life, they can take credit for my short falls and my mistakes. And the lack of direction I had. At 10-years-old, I should just know better, right? Should I just have known that my homework should have been done? I don’t need a parent to teach me that stuff, right? I don’t need a role model, right? That’s the most ridiculous thing that I have EVER, ever heard! Those are exact words that came from my own parents mouth. “You should have known better to make your life better!” Wow. Shocking. I guess, when you pop out a child, you’re supposed to expect them to raise themselves. I found this excellent quote: “Be who you needed when you were younger.” AMEN! That is what I strive to do daily! Every day of my life is difficult. It is difficult to fight off my mind. The damage has consumed me, changed me. I’m still trying to find a way for me to get through it alone. Get through it without letting it take over my life, which it so often feels that it has, especially recently.

“Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.”

I can say that I fill and explode my newsfeed on facebook with happy thoughts of what I do with my children. And if that bothers you, then that’s your fault. And if you for one second you feel a bit of jealously, take a good look at your life and make some adjustments! Because I can 100% tell you that there is not ONE person I am jealous of. God has blessed me beyond measure. Our home, our marriage, our connection (heck, knowing each other since we were kids!), our beautiful children and growing family, our friends that we now call family. Careers we truly LOVE and are freaking good at it, too! Why let someone else’s accomplishment consume you to the point of destruction and misery? ONLY YOU CAN CHANGE YOU AND YOUR DESTINY! And it’s never too late. You only have one life to live. Don’t spend it comparing it to others choices and being jealous of what others have. I cannot tell you how often I lift people up. With words or actions. Only because it feels damn good! It’s almost become an obsession. Because I want people to feel what I never felt. And what I post on Facebook is to mainly look back a year or two later and smile and say “wow! look how far they’ve come! Look how far we’ve come!” And to say: “I did that. I raised them.”

“Sometimes walking away has nothing to do with weakness and everything to do with strength. We walk away not to make others realize our strength and value but because, we finally realize our own.”

My children are smart, structured, sweet and kind. And you can ask anyone! Anyone that is around them longer then 5 days! You don’t see them hitting, spitting or being spiteful? Why? Because there is a fine line of discipline, education and LOVE! Taking time to get on their level. Sitting down. Hugging. Talking. Asking questions. TAKING THE TIME! Putting down the electronics, the internet, the iPhone, the iPads, the computers and taking time to read to them. You’d be surprised how much they enjoy that. How much they absorb. How much they remember and how that memory of you taking the time to do that ONE thing with them. They don’t forget. And that is what keeps me going. You are BUILDING a love and trust and connection that will get you SO much further in life then it would if you tried to do this when they’re older. Because when they’re older…the damage is done and it’s so much harder to fix…(example: me).

But I also have parents that refuse to believe they did anything wrong…

Just like any disease, the first step is acknowledging you have a problem.

But like I said…I never knew it was there. All of it. All the pain I feel and harbored, until I had children and I had to be the mother I knew I can and should be. Yet I falter, I do the best I can and I truly mean that. God made me their mother for a reason. And anyone that is around me daily, weekly, monthly and who talks to me daily will tell you that I work my ass off to be a damn great mom to these girls.

Just because I cut out ALL toxic humans in my life, doesn’t make me the problem. They are. Drugs, alcohol, drama, trauma…you name it. Keep that shit away from my kids. Keep it thousands of miles away, in fact. Because MY feelings don’t matter anymore (to me)…my kids feelings do. So mess with their hearts, and you’ve destroyed anything you could or should have had with them, just like that.

I can honestly say a person can probably live their entire lives harboring those hurtful childhood feelings in their subconscious mind never knowing it. And if you don’t have kids, you may never experience the true PAIN and hurt from your childhood until it’s your responsibility to love and protect another little human being. Until you lose yourself.

“You stabbed me and then pretended you were the one that was bleeding.”

Some people cope with drugs, alcohol or prescription medications from a result of their childhood. I’ve tried all. None of which compare to self talk, self help and self reflection. You can only hide for so long. Until it ultimately destroys every bit of what you have. But if you’re lucky, like me, you may have an amazing husband who supports your choices and decisions and doesn’t judge your actions when they happen because he knows the true real pain you feel day to day. Especially when I see him be the father I never, ever had in my life. My children are so lucky to call him dad.

Because mom and dad are your mom and dad. They aren’t your friends. They aren’t…they just aren’t.

“I am working on how to be whole and free within myself, to acknowledge my brokenness, manifest my own happiness, and succeed and fail gracefully.”

Do You Know Me?

I’ve let my past define me for much too long.

It’s time to move forward.

Most of my blog posts evolved into TMI and much too deep into the darkest, hardest moments of my life. When it all was intended to capture our very first daughters journey of pregnancy, infant, toddler and such.

I’ve shared things on this blog I don’t even normally even talk about with others in fear of a potential friend running away. Or thinking that I’m carrying too much baggage.

So what do we do in the American society today? We ignore it. We ignore an outburst mistaken for a complaint. We ignore the small things. We ignore all the signs. Because it’s too much for some people to handle. We ignore the cry for help.

Lately, I’ve talked with a lot of my friends and I’m not going into detail on who said what. But with recent experiences with my family and life events, I’ve really come to understand that people don’t change just because you want them to. They don’t change because you hope they will. They don’t change because you have children. They don’t change. Period. And you can’t sit back and keep waiting. At least I can’t anymore.

And honestly, it’s the reason we left Michigan 8 years ago to begin with (and nursing school, of course).

I’m always bluntly honest yet purely kind. I love all people. And just because I share with you details of an awful childhood, a horrible experience, a feeling, this journey into this walk of life and where I am today, doesn’t define who I will and who I am to YOU. My potential to be a good friend to you. It only defines me, as a person. I’m delicate and sensitive (you may not see that part of me). Yet, I’ve made myself strong and strong-willed.

People will so often tell me that I’m the ‘strongest person they know’. But yet they only know what they read, hear, see, etc. They don’t truly know how often I hide in my closet and cry.

Some people are told via gossip of others (and stories are twisted) or see my name on social media. But I’ll be the first to admit this life isn’t easy. And I’ve posted nonsense when I shouldn’t. I opened my mouth when I should have kept it shut. That, my friends, is why I call myself weak. And I can’t see myself strong.

It’s not just this season of responsibilities and pressure to be the best mother. To prove that no matter how often I’m alone, I’m strong enough to do it. To prove that no matter how challenging my life can be and the trauma God puts me through, I can do it. But who am I trying to prove? That’s the question. Because I’m the only one that truly knows how I truly feel. And in all honesty, I’m not as strong as ya’ll think. Slowly, I’m tearing away at my seams.

It’s every thing. Life is hard. We think it’s hard as an child, teenager and growing into our own person but as an adult with children, we have huge responsibilities and lives that are constantly in our hands. And that is hard. Even though hard doesn’t seem like a strong enough word to express how I feel about motherhood.

And it’s hard enough to stay above water with my own battles and demons inside my mind, plus prove my worth and true self to those that walk into my life with open arms.

My entire life I felt the need to stick up for myself. Hold my own. Get myself dressed in the morning (as a kid). My socks didn’t match. My hair was a mess. I never ate breakfast or had money for lunch while everyone else sat there and ate. We were poor. And when I say poor, I mean the pits of poor.

I could have let it destroy me and define me (which in some part it has, unfortunately), or I can grow from it, learn, educate and blossom out into my own self and distance myself from that negative aura that my childhood haunts. Even when I look at photos of my old neighborhood, it makes my stomach turn. Truthfully, makes me overwhelmed with emotion.

No one gets it. No not even my parents. The only person that gets it is my husband. Because he was my best friend since the beginning. He was my neighbor. We were both poor. He saw it all. He saw me at my worst. He saw my family at it’s worst. He saw what I COULD have been in this life. He experienced it all with me.

Bobby and I aren’t perfect. But we’re perfect for each other. And he and I have a bond most people don’t. And I don’t boast on that, I just thank God that I have that ONE person who really, truly knows why I am the way I am, who I really am, and loves me truly and deeply because of it and more.

I always, always, always ever just want to love you. Yes, YOU! I want to be the friend you need. I can mold myself into the many shapes and dimensions that a person needs as a friend. Because so often in my life, I’ve felt alone.

I’m not asking you to be my best friend. But I’m asking you to count on me.

I lost my best friend in my junior year of high school and never met a soul remotely close to that until college. But with her living and building her life in Jersey, and me creating mine in Houston, I always seek to surround myself with people who will allow me to lift them up while not necessarily lifting ME up. And that’s always been my fault. It’s time to find more people who lift me up emotionally.

I love deep and hard. I’m loyal and dependable. I’m emotional and strong. But I’m weak. Most don’t even know the demons I’ve fought within (I’ll say it again). But I’ve overcome them-and that is an accomplishment that I’m pretty proud of.

Lately, I’ve realized, (because constructive criticism is the best) that I’m “too much”. I need to back off. Back off of social media. Stop trying to prove my worth to people. Mainly, just stop trying to get my family to love me.

Stop trying to get my family to love me. Stop. There’s was/is a method for the madness…

It’s a road that’s taken many routes. I’ve fallen off and I’ve driven that car never missing a turn. But lately (lately as in the past several years), I’ve fought long and hard to be expressive to the point of truthfully and honestly just being accepted. But I’ve found I can be loved without being so caustic.

You know I’m real on here.

You know I have no filter on here or if you and I engage in deep conversation.

But now is the time that I’ve realized (with so many friends that tell me truthfully how it is and they see it), that enough is enough.

People don’t have to be BLOOD to love you.

They don’t have to be BLOOD to care about you.

Sadly, I’ve learned that jealousy within my family is a killer. It kills/killed our family. All of them. Each of them.

I did something with my life and it really, sadly, disappoints them.

To live so far away and to have those single few, (just a handful left), who truly love me and my girls, mean more then anyone of you other family members (family reading this) can imagine. And sometimes there’s competition there. And I don’t like to look at it that way. Because I’m far away. And if any family wants to love me, reach out to me, gift me and my girls silly things-please be happy that we’re being thought of. That we are loved. Because being alone sucks. Being “un-thought of” sucks. And we don’t have many of those back “home” that think about our little family here in Houston.

I need peace.

And I’m realizing my peace is being disrupted with social media.

And I find that my family dynamics and my adjustment to fit in here, has destroyed who I really am on a emotional level. I sadly, have fallen into the social media he said she said battle of battles. And it’s draining.

If you know me on a personal level then you know the real me.

Social media me is not me. I’m sorry to say it. It’s like that for so many.

For so long I kept Facebook for the sake of family in Michigan to keep up with us here in Houston, Tampa, Houston. I kept it so that they can watch our girls grow. To feel like they are a part of our lives.

But why?

I’m giving them what they want.

What about what I want?

What if I don’t want to post or be honest?

What if I don’t want to let everyone back in my heart?

I am loved here even though those family members believe that I’m “unloveable”.

Why am I trying so hard to make a point on social media?

Why should I care?

Soul searching is key.

And I’ve realized and I’m determined that my life should no longer be an open book of “oh, Stacy! Yes, I’ve read all about her.”

BUT YOU HAVEN’T. That’s the issue. You don’t know me at all.

You have no idea what I’ve been through. Or why I am who I am.

The entire point of this post is to say that I’m educated, I care about this world that is turning to crap that I fear my children will grow up in. I’m tired of trying to make people see that they should put one foot forward and step into our lives. I’m tired of being bluntly honest to the point of losing good people in my life because they are scared of who I may be.

Sadly, my past has defined my recent life. Something I never wanted it to do. Something I swore I wouldn’t allow.

My children come first. Then my husband. Everything else can take a place in line. Because whether you’re family or not, you don’t really know me. You have no idea the internal battles I fight. Or the demons I constantly push. And if I try to explain or confide in you, it’s only a few words that need to be said (in your RESPONSE) that make me realize I’m not being heard, you don’t care and what you have to say is much bigger and more important. When in those exact moments, I’m screaming inside for your help.

As I’m getting older, I’m realizing that people don’t change. And family won’t love you anymore then they already do. No matter what you say or do. Or how many children you have.

My point?

You’re going see less of me of social media.

You’ll see less posts, less rants (fueled by my past childhood, sadly that’s the Hubel in me).

You’ll see less of the honest me as I try to become more patient and kind to myself.

Some things are better left unsaid.

I have a wonderful husband who comes from the same home environment as I do. He will be my go to for all things emotional and conversational.

You’ll see less photos of my girls. Why? Because if you can’t be a part of their lives now, or make an effort to call them, FaceTime them or ask me questions about them, why do you deserve to see them grow? And why should I exploit them on social media for your enjoyment?

As I learn, I grow. And as I grow older, I learn.

I meet new people and they tell me how I’m perceived.

I want that changed.

Because I’m probably not who you think I am, based upon my social media outbursts or rants about my illegitimate family.

At (almost) 35-years-old, it’s time to live my life, take pictures for my safe keeping (but don’t boast to the world-save them for my girls to see), and trust that those people out there that have formed an opinion of me solely on my social media activity, really don’t know a thing.

I picked a career that I did for a reason. To help people. No, it wasn’t for the money. Because it makes me feel full inside. I choose to give and be generous because it fills an empty space in my heart that’s been empty since I was a child.

So if you know who I am and love me for me, thank you.

But if you know me, and back away because of my social media exploitation’s, please try to understand my point here. And know I am a loving, honest, trustworthy, a damn good friend and I will bend over backwards for you.

One step at a time.

Life is always a lesson of learning…

And that step is backing away from social media.

I’m tired of trying to show my family that I AM loved here. I have people that really do care. Care more then some of my own family. Do things that even I know in my heart my family wouldn’t do for me. I’m grateful. Truly, truly grateful.

Because I am loved. By so many wonderful people here.

I don’t need to prove to anyone my worth anymore.

I’ll change this world by being a better mother, nurse, wife and friend.

If I can raise these girls into a better person then I am myself, then my life will be considered complete.

And you can take the time to know the REAL me, do so. I am not Facebook. I am not Instagram. I am Stacy.

You decide.

Besides, my husband hates social media. He’s never been a part of it and never will. And so often asks me to not be on it anymore as well. His birthday is May 13th, so Happy Birthday babe. I’m breaking up with social media.

Don’t worry friends, near and far-I’m still on there. I’m just not going to post anything anymore.

If you want to know how I am, call me. If you want to see my kids, call me. If you want a playdate, text me or just come over anytime. My door is always open for you.

It ends here.

And even on this blog. I’ll post. I’ll write. But it will be private. No longer for the world to see.

__________________________________________________

Every morning, my husband will text me Good Morning.

And after I had wrote this post, he ironically send me this link after saying Good Morning:

How Text Messages Change From Dating to Marriage

After reading this article, I then sent him this:

“Ironic that you sent that. We are so in tune with one another. Sometimes so that we don’t even know it. I haven’t finished it yet, but I have a blog post about something similar. Social media has taken over me and our lives in a way I no longer am comfortable with. Stay tuned and I’ll forward you the link to my post when I’m “finished”. Finished is the key word. 😘 I love you and hope you’re having a good day. We miss you home.”