A Reflection of ANGER of My First Born Turning 4 This Month

FOUR. FOUR! Four years of wasted time. All because of your ego. Four years of never knowing this amazing little girl. She has no recollection of you. When she pulled out a picture of you I had hidden, she pointed to your face and said “who is this mommy? Is that Uncle William?”

I didn’t lie to my innocent daughter. All I simply said was: “that’s mommy’s daddy and he doesn’t talk to mommy anymore. One day, I will tell you all about him okay. When you’re older and you can understand.” Then her sweet little voice replies: “Okay mommy” (as she puts the picture back where she found it and shuts the drawer.)

See…that’s all you are. A picture. Not even a memory for her. Which makes me happy and sad. Sad because I know she’ll never have a Grandpa. Happy because I would never want her heart broken as much as mine was.

Over the last few months, I’ve really accepted “this”. It was harder for me, I think, in the beginning, compared to how easy it was for you. You were always really good at throwing people to the curb. Friends, family, co-workers, girlfriends, wives…children…now grandchildren.

But it took me some time. My heart wasn’t ready to let it go just yet, despite how much you’ve crushed it, over and over and over again.

I can confidently say that I am at peace. The peace you are at when someone dies.

Yet as you get older, you will realize you will need someone. And that someone will be me, your daughter. Yes, you have other children, but as a parent of two girls who are very different, there’s always that one who has the care-taking heart. The one that is forgiving of all things hurtful. The one that will step up to the plate when all the other children run away from the responsibility of taking care of their dying parent. Wasn’t I always that child?

I was.

I was there in moments of your life when you thought you weren’t going to make it through. I was there in the darkest moments of your life when you almost put a gun to your head. It may be hard for you to remember now, as it’s clouded with such hate and envy. But I was the one that stood by you, hugged you and loved you for who you were.¬†Daughters do that. I did that. Even when I knew you were wrong. Even when you were never there for me emotionally, like a daughter needed.

But because your daughter had a voice, every meaning of family (in the real world) meant absolutely nothing to you.

And as I watch my beautiful daughter blossom into this bright, gorgeous little girl, my soul is on fire. She is a true wonder to watch. And I am proud to be her mother. And I am proud to say “I did that” when people tell me how wonderful she is. She teaches me all about REAL, true love. And makes me wonder how you could possibly hate YOUR own daughter (me). Because no matter how pressing things get. No matter how much her little sassy attitude is changing, developing, learning and growing, I cannot even imagine ever throwing her out of my life. No, not even when she’s a teenager and she tells me she hates me and slams her bedroom door. No, not even when she says that I ruined her life or embarrassed her in front of her friends. No, not even when she disrespects me. Because I only live my life for her. In this season of life, SHE (they) are the reason I wake up, get up, get dressed and do my repetitive daily routines. Dance class, PreK, reading, teaching, loving, hugging…each day adds new tasks as a parent.

Teaching.

Teaching her to sound out words. Teaching her to tell time. Teaching her to put on her own shoes (which she’s been doing for a year!). Teaching her to LOVE. Love every one. Every color, every religion, every person. Love wins! And I teach her that love has no boundaries. I teach her that we love everyone.

And that, my father, has created this massive little four-year-old full of wonder, LOVE, excitement, anticipation and innocence. She truly, truly loves life and every person she comes in contact with. She’s so full of sweetness, it’s almost painful.

She’s excited for school. Excited for her first pair of earrings. Excited to have her daddy dance to music in the living room with her. She’s excited to bake pancakes in the kitchen. She’s excited to use all of daddy’s tools with him in the garage. She’s excited to play in the dirt, dig in the flowers, watch the fireflies. She’s excited to ride her bike-all by herself! She’s got so much energy and love and excitement in this life, that it is literally my fuel to keep on going. This season of life is beautiful. God created our lives for this very feeling. Each chapter, each obstacle. He knew what he was doing.

Because no love, from any other human on this Earth, compares to the love you have for your child. None.

Josie will start PreK in the Fall. That gives me this entire summer to “let her go”. Because after that is Kindergarten, then it’s grade school…

This summer gives me a chance to make it the most memorable for her and I both. For her to remember that her mom took the time to read a book to her every single night no matter how late we stayed up, the circumstances, etc. This child NEVER forgets book time. And I created that for her.

This summer gives me a chance to hold my baby just a little bit longer, harder and stronger so I can let her go into this awful, sick and twisted world we live in independently as she so strongly is.

This summer lets me teach her more and more and more about the love that she will need to get through this life.

Josie is the best decision I’ve ever created. She motivates me in my career. She motivates me to love my husband harder and stronger then ever before (you’ll never know the strength our marriage has) simply by watching the love he has for her makes my heart explode. She sees how daddy loves mommy. And she sees how mommy loves daddy. And that fills her heart. Nothing…and I mean nothing is as special as the bond he shares with his girls.

And one day, Josie will read this blog…

And Josie: I’m so sorry sweetheart, but your Grandpa just didn’t have “enough” love. He could only love one person. And that was the person that could love him and give him what he needed-himself. He didn’t have enough love to love you, or me or anyone else.

Social media is good in a sense it allows me to keep all things said and done. Pictures, texts, emails, messages and voicemails. I have them in safe keeping. In the cloud, they say. For if I have to fall back on them, and I will…they are there.

Because in emotional days like today, when your 3-year-old turns 4, you hope and wish more for HER. And that’s it. The few family members she knows she can only count on one hand. All others are toxic and non-existent. Or never make an attempt to see her. Technology makes it really easy now-a-days. We made the decision to restrict those from being in her life simply because we knew that walking out of her life would be just as easy. And we won’t allow anyone to break ¬†her heart like that. And if you break her heart, then you’ll have to deal with me and her dad. And that…would not be pretty.

Life is short.

Too short.

Time is so precious. It really, really is.

You will need me again one day.

And until you do…

Enjoy the things in life that bring you TRUE joy. Whatever they may be.

But the love of these beautiful girls, watching them grow and explode in knowledge…that is PURE happiness and the true meaning of life. My life. I am complete. I am content.

This season of life is beautiful. And it’s unfortunate you refuse to be a part of all it’s beauty.

Don’t worry friends-We totally celebrated Josie’s birthday wonderfully and that will be a post to follow. Cannot wait to share with you all what we did for her. One memorable day for our Princess, that’s for sure!