Don’t Judge Me-You Have No Idea the Road I’ve Traveled

Think before you speak. Before you judge. Before you remind me that I skip out or cancel. Do you know me? Do you know what I struggle with? Do you have any idea what it’s like to be in this mind of mine? I think not. But your words cut like a knife no matter if you’re close to me or not. Why? Because I’m well aware of what I do/don’t do and sadly, unfortunately, I have no control over it. You may think I’m just blowing you off. But really, I’m having a tough day. I’m having a moment of “I just cannot be around anyone today.” I’m having a moment of “I can’t stop crying, and I don’t know why.” …but I don’t confide this in you because of the massive judgment and total misunderstanding of what it’s like to be…me. I am different. I’m lovable and kind. Passionate and real. Honest and blunt. Scared and worried. Isolated and alone… So before you pass judgment and talk about me to your friends, know that this is out of my control. If it were up to me, I’m be happy-go-lucky every single day of my life. Unfortunately, my mental illness doesn’t allow me that. I reach, but cannot reach far enough. So to surround myself with those who discredit what I do do or knock me down for what I don’t, creates this distance and wall. I am not perfect. But I try my best to be a good friend and be present. But not everyday is good for me, can you understand that?

Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time. It’s the fear of failure but no urge to be productive. It’s wanting friends but hating socializing. It’s wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely. It’s caring about everything then caring about nothing. It’s feeling everything at once then feeling paralyzingly numb.

Depression isn’t always crying your mascara off in the shower and playing sad songs in bed. Sometimes it’s not wanting to talk to anyone for days and other times it’s desperately needing to be around people. Sometimes depression is having no appetite even though you haven’t eaten anything since yesterday and sometimes it’s eating everything you have in the fridge. Depression isn’t your husband holding you and telling you that it’s going to be okay. It’s sitting across the table, not eating, having him ask you what’s wrong and knowing that you’re ruining his night because you can’t seem to snap out of it and just be happy. It’s the frustrating feeling of desperately wanting to enjoy something and just be normal for once. It’s keeping things secret from people you love because you don’t want them to look at you like you’re broken. No, depression isn’t beautiful black and white images. Depression is lonely and frustrating and mostly just exhausting.

Depression, anxiety and panic attacks are not signs of weakness. They are signs of trying to remain strong for far too long. It’s really difficult when you feel like you don’t have anyone…that feeling when you’re not necessarily sad, but you just feel really empty.

Family is supposed to be our safe haven. Very often, it’s the place where we find the deepest heartache.

People have always said “what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.” Well…I believe: “what doesn’t kill you, screws you up mentally.”

On most days, I try my hardest to not act how I feel…

I wanna go somewhere and scream as loud as I can. I wanna pull my heart out and throw it, burn it and be heartless like them.

Maybe I deserve all of this…

Pain changes people, it makes them trust less, overthink more and shut people out.

“I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. it’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone.”-Robin Williams

Most days, I am tired of trying to hold things together that cannot be held. Trying to control what cannot be controlled. I am tired of denying myself what I want for fear of breaking things I cannot fix. They will break no matter what I do. And they have. I don’t remember what it’s like to not feel broken…