I’ve tracked every menstrual cycle, every intercourse, every mood, every positive and negative ovulation test, every symptom, and every detail about my body and it’s changes to arrive at 6 months of failed attempts of getting pregnant.
Month by month there was hope. But it always ended in disappointment. As I cried that I wasn’t going to do this again next month.
But I did.
I kept tracking.
I kept hoping.
I kept praying.
Month after month.
April came and left without a sign of my period. I’m usually spot on with my cycle. After day one of being late, I began to question.
Day two came without a sign of my period, still.
Day three, nothing.
Day four, there it was…bleeding.
But hours later it was gone.
By day five, it was gone. Completely gone.
Pregnancy tests still kept coming back negative. I was confused. What is wrong with me? After a few more days of waiting, I took yet another pregnancy test. And to my surprise, there it was, a faint line.
It was May the 4th. I’ll never forget it. Because that morning, while browsing my Facebook feed, I distinctly remember reading my uncles status saying, “May the 4th be with you.”
I took another test a few hours later…still positive. I took a digital the next morning…
And that is when it hit me…I’m PREGNANT!
I just sat there in disbelief on the bathroom floor as tears filled my eyes. “God, are you serious?”
Again, as with the last pregnancy, Bobby and I had to FaceTime in order for him to see the positive result. It’s ironic how we weren’t together both times we found out I was pregnant. He was just as happy as I was and I could barely keep it together. Finally…we were expecting Baby Sock #2! Or what Bobby called “abs” (Another Baby Sock).
I kept checking each day to see if it was still there. And it was. Still pregnant!
A week went by, symptoms started coming on and I felt nauseous as heck! I was peeing a ton, too. I remembered this! And I was welcoming it with joy.
But something didn’t feel right.
I just knew.
Days after finding out, my symptoms were starting to disappear. I started to “not feel pregnant”. I took another test and it was faint, barely visible. I took another and it was hard to see but it still said positive. I took another digital and it still read “Pregnant 1-2”
The next morning, I had bleeding. Not a lot but just a little. And it just so happened to be Mother’s Day. How ironic. But I tried not to worry, considering intercourse can cause this to happen in the beginning weeks.
The day after Mother’s Day, I woke up to a whole lot of blood. I was sick with worry. Bobby took me to see the OBGYN and she did emergency ultrasound. As I lied there in tears, holding onto his hand while Josie quietly sat there in her car seat, the Doctor covered me up as she finished the ultrasound and says, “there’s nothing there anymore, Stacy. I’m sorry.”
“You’re having a miscarriage.”
“I’m so so sorry. You’re going to pass this baby and it’s going to be uncomfortable.”
I lost it.
My hands went into my face where I could barely catch my breath. As I sobbed and sobbed, Bobby just hugged me, putting his fingers through my hair and not saying anything at all. He then pulled my face towards his and said, “it’s okay babe. We will keep trying. We will keep trying until it happens. Everything happens for a reason. I promise, it will be okay. I’m sorry that you’ve got to go through this. And I’m sorry that I have to leave today.”
The ride home was horrible. I couldn’t stop crying. I said over and over to him how frustrated I was with how upset I was. I absolutely hate crying. But I was so sad. So so sad. I really wanted this. I was so happy just a few days ago. What went wrong? What did I do? Why?
I may have only had a week of knowing that I was pregnant. But I was almost 7 weeks pregnant. It may have only been one week, but it was a week of planning, happiness, and excitement. I looked up names and thought of colors. I dreamed of a little sister or brother for Josie. I dreamed of feeling those flutters in my belly and hearing that heartbeat. I dreamed of the smell of a baby and the joy of a growing family.
It may have ended fairly quickly, but I can tell you that I’m not handling it very well. I cry at any given thought of this loss. But I do know that everything happens for a reason. But it doesn’t make this pain any more bearable. I’m allowing myself to grieve. Not only do I have the emotional pain, but also the physical pain of passing the baby on my own. It’s awful. The amount of blood is sickening. The cramping is horrible. There are no words for this feeling. None! No words to express my pain both physically and emotionally. I beg God to give me the strength to get through this. I beg God to take this burden and to heal me from my anger towards him for taking this away from me. I understand that he took it for a reason. And that he wouldn’t put me through something that I wouldn’t be able to handle. But I’m still mad.
And as a woman, I just want to cry. I just want to scream. I just want to curl up in bed and escape the world.
The pain is unexplainable. I can’t even stand up straight for long periods of time before I feel like my uterus is being ripped out from inside of me. The amount of blood is horrific. There really are no words. No words for my pain right now. The emotional pain just lingers. It makes it much worse having to go to the lab every few days to get my HCG checked in order to prove that I’m passing this baby and it’s not ectopic. How much torture do I need? When is enough, enough? I’m scared to death of this happening again.
So I’m done trying. I’m done planning. I’m done tracking. I’m done trying to play God’s sidekick. Why should I know or why should I get the opportunity to plan intercourse according to my fertile window? I don’t want anything to do with it anymore. As far as I’m concerned, sex is the farthest thing from my mind. And getting pregnant again scares the shit out of me after this. I won’t track my ovulation anymore. Nor will I pee on a stick twice a day to see either. If it happens, it will happen. But I’m not trying to make it happen anymore. I’m just not. I’m just so sad. And I need time to heal to physically and emotionally.
So when you take the time to ask us “when are you guys going to have another?” or “are you pregnant yet?” “Josie needs a brother or a sister”. Please be reminded of how much pain I have gone through and that these questions only hurt more.
Please don’t ask me when we’re going to have another baby. I am not God. Nor do I have the right to know things that he just doesn’t want us to know. If it happens, it will happen. I’m not rushing it this time. I’m not. I need time and prayers. I need time to heal. I am not ready to talk about this. This blog post, is all I want to say about it. There’s nothing left to talk about.
7 thoughts on “Giving Up on the Fertility Fight”
I am so so sorry to read this. I went through a miscarriage two years ago and actually started my blog to help me cope with the incredible sadness and sense of inadequacy that I felt.
It is one of toughest experiences that a woman can go through but you will find the strength to go back up on your feet and fight again. You will, for yourself but also for your beautiful daughter.
Like you, I stopped planning. I stopped buying ovulation kits or having spare pregnancy tests in the bathroom cupboard, just in case..and many months later, when I finally learnt to relax again, I did fall pregnant again. And I took a pregnancy test every week for nearly the entire first trimester as I didn’t want to warm up to the thought of being pregnant for real.
My little girl is now 13 months but not a day goes by without me thinking about the little one that was left behind. However, happy ending do exist. And if they sometimes don’t happen, they do make us so much stronger and fight even harder.
Friend, I’m so sorry. I could barely read this post. I’ve lost several and know the pain…heartache…darkness…of losing a baby. I also know the anger at God and the anger at those who ask the wrong questions or don’t ask questions at all. Once again, I’m so sorry. Eventually a counselor helped me realize that I did EVERYTHING in my power to keep the baby and it wasn’t my body’s fault for the miscarriage. I didn’t fail my babies. Neither did you. For now, grieve and cry and remember and spoil yourself when you can.
Hi Stacy, I don’t know you and you don’t know me, but I love reading your blog posts and have been reading them since September of last year. at first I was enthralled by the high quality pictures of your little cutie sock. but then I started to notice how amazing your writing was and how heart felt it was. I loved reading each new post. when I read this one this morning it made my heart sink. I just feel really bad. im holding back tears because I know this is one of the HARDEST things a woman can ever go through. I want to give you a little insight though if youll let me…first, this is not about God. I believe in God but things should not be accredited or discredited towards him lightly. the truth of the matter is, this is more simple than most people think: there are really only two reasons why woman have miscarriages or cannot conceive: One, is that your body is not “baby friendly”. if your body is not suitable for a tiny living baby to flourish in it, it will reject it. Kerri is right in suggesting folic/folate. First and foremost our bodies must be nourished PRIOR to conceiving. secondly our HORMONES should be balanced. when the hormones are unbalanced conceiving becomes as hard as one of Einstein’s math problems. once a hormone imbalance is corrected, women get pregnant almost immediately. secondly if the embryo had developmental defects that would keep it from surviving in utero, the body naturally rejects it. The body already wants to reject anything that is foreign in our bodies but it will keep the embryo so long as it is healthy and our body is the right environment for it. and listen, I KNOW you exercise (I mean, it shows…that BOD! my god. im so jealous) and Im guessing you eat healthy as well BUT something is missing. Although you are a very attractive woman ive been getting worried about your health from seeing the last couple months of pictures you post of yourself. yes, I know you are tired from lack of sleep and work and taking care of a little one. sometimes that makes us ignore certain symptoms and just attribute it to being a new mom with too much to do. That’s what I thought until I ended up really sick. I hope that you will work on getting healthy again–one way to know whether you are TRULY healthy is to simply look in the mirror. when you don’t sparkle and glow its time to reboot. its not just about outer beauty–that’s telling you something about whats going on in the INSIDE. when you are ready I would highly recommend getting your hormones checked out and adding more nutrients and high quality vitamins, green juices ect. to your diet. This is not you TRYING for another baby. this is you simply getting healthy again, for YOU, for the baby sock you already have and for your lovely husband. otherwise your health can spiral out of control if you don’t take care of the signals your body is already giving you. and when you do get healthy again, everything will be so easy you wont even have to try. and that’s the truth. LOVE from me to you.
You’re right on getting back on track and eating right. I went to the store yesterday and bought all sorts of what I used to eat (prior to having Josie). I can honestly say I do not eat nearly like I used to (when I was “healthy”). I may “look” good…but I’m not healthy. I am skinny because I breast-pump still. And that is an entirely other stressful battle I am going through right now (trying to get my 13 month old to eat solids-but refuses). I’ve gone doctor to doctor with my daughter to figure out why she is not eating “foods”. Swallow evals, allergists, GI consults…it is a work in progress and added to the stress list I have going on. As for my hormones…I KNOW they are out of whack. Simply because I still pump. I know I need to stop. And I want to. But I cannot…unless my daughter eats. She’s allergic to dairy and eggs and so much other random stuff. It’s a stressful journey (that deserves much more explaining that I don’t have the energy for right now). As for me…I used to work out before I had Josie. It was my GOAL to get the healthiest shape of my life BEFORE trying to get pregnant the first time around. I did, too. I worked out 3 hours a day. I was fit. I was active. I felt and looked awesome! Now…I barely have time to do much of anything for myself. But that is what comes with Motherhood and being a Nurse working 4 12 hour shifts a week. Not to mention I work nights so that’s even MORE stressful. Anyway, there’s so much more going on with me. And I do take a TON of vitamins already (because I have Celiac Disease) and I’m working on me. I am. This time I am. And I’m no longer working on creating a baby. If it happens, it happens. But right now, I’m focusing on me. One thing at a time. And it’s starting with eating better and then I’ll try my best to sneak in some exercise. Baby steps. Thanks for your kind words. I appreciate any, really. I try my best to see the best if what others have to say to me. Thank you for taking the time. xoxo
My heart soared for you as I read that you were pregnant and broke when I read further. I can’t say anything other than I am so sad that you are going through this kind of loss. I am praying for you. XO.
Stacy I’m so sorry to hear this. I was just reading our conversation we had a couple months ago. Sometimes I looked at it for encouragement when my period came and I wasn’t pregnant, again. God is in charge. He knows what he is doing and sometimes we just have to give up the reigns and let him take control. I have tracked and charted only to have experienced 2 miscarriages and it’s awful. Everything you have described. I will pray for you and your family during this terrible time. Hug little Josie. She is perfect and God will give her a sibling when he knows is right.
Oh Stacey! I’m soooo sorry! I COMPLETELY understand how you feel as I experienced 2 miscarriages back to back. It DOES hurt. Physically & emotionally. It’s not fair and it’s the hardest thing to comprehend. I know you said you had nothing more to say, but I just wNted you to know that I feel your pain and will be praying for you. God does have a plan and it will be beautiful. You will conceive again and Josie will have a little sibling soon. And you will love it all the more because of this! I know because that’s what happened to us. We now have Jesse (15 mos) after those 2 miscarriages and he certainly is our rainbow baby! (We have other kids as well, but he’s the rainbow). But I remember having to do the hcg levels and all. It’s torture. I know we do not know each other (I subscribed to your blog because I found you when looking for info on barrets esophagus), but I’m a listening ear if you ever need to vent or have questions about our journey; in hopes it can be an encouragement for you. Take care of yourself. One thing the dr. did the moment we wanted to start trying again was put me on 1mg of folic acid daily. I chose to take TRUE folate by Thorne just in case I had the gene mutation that couldn’t convert folic acid to folate. My heart goes out to you and I will pray that God will comfort you and send you a rainbow soon.
Thoughts & prayers,