When a Woman Knows Her Body

It’s May 4, 2015. I’ve been desperately hoping I would fall pregnant this month. However, when I left for work last Friday, (after being 5 days late), I started my period. Or at least I thought. I wiped and there was blood. Not a lot. But enough to make me look at it with disbelief, yet once again, for the 6th month straight. I’d throw it in the toilet and cry as I’d call Bobby to express my sorrow of yet another month with no luck of hitting that positive.

I drove to work crying. Which isn’t anything out of the ordinary lately. I cried the past few days on my way to work. I cried because I wasn’t feeling well. I cried because Bobby told me he’s only coming home for a week. And I cried because we had no one to watch Josie. And then I cried because I was tired. So so tired. It’s really hard working nights when you don’t get the chance to sleep before you go into work. And I have to stay up 24 hours straight. After all of this stress…why would I be pregnant? And why the hell was I so emotional? I hate crying.

Let’s backtrack…on May 3rd, I got out of the shower and looked at my breasts. Which I do all day long, every 4 hours, because I pump them to feed my kid. But this time, I SWEAR, they looked different! I usually rub nipple balm on those poor ripped up, bleeding, crusted over nipples, as I desperately plead to God to PLEASE make my daughter start eating solids! I am SO over this! I took a picture of my breasts (what’s a girl to do?) and sent it to my husband. I said: “do they look different to you?!” and he replied: “I don’t know, do they look different to you?” I think what he really wanted to say was: “How am I supposed to know? You haven’t let me touch them in over two years.” True. I haven’t. They hurt like hell when I was pregnant (and would leak at any given stimulus), they hurt like hell when I was postpartum, newly breastfeeding our daughter and now they bleed, crack and ache every single day of my pumping miserable routine. Not to mention they aren’t very pretty. Why would he WANT to look or touch them? I shouldn’t say that. I am grateful to be able to provide to my 1-year-old daughter. God has been good to me.

So that next day, I started my period.

After being at work a few hours, the bleeding stopped. This sometimes happens but usually follows with you know, Aunt FLOW within hours. Well, 12 hours came and gone and it was time for me to head home. I went home, went to sleep and woke up to nothing, still. Dry. My only thought after countless negative pregnancies tests, is that there is something wrong with me. My schedule is off, I’ve been sick, nights are stressful on my body, I’m stressed out because my husband is not home, etc (all of what I listed above). I had planned on spending the day looking up OBGYNs and getting myself in there for my PAP and to see if I even ovulate anymore. Considering all my failed attempts at getting pregnant month to month. So here it was, May 4th, 2015, and I was going to the bathroom. I happened to glance over at a Dollar Tree pregnancy tests and I thought “what the hell!” so I opened it up and did the little pee in a cup and pull it up in that silly plastic plunger thingy and dopped three drops of urine then set it down and forgot about it as I proceded to do my business on the toilet and consume myself into my phone of the lastest newsfeed on my Facebook. I looked down on the floor (where I had set the test) and thought “oh, let me just look at this. I forgot!”

…there were two lines. One control and one saying that I was pregnant.

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Very faint…but it’s there!

This cannot be for real.

I thought I?…

But there was blood…

And I’ve been emotional…and craving chocolate…

Wait! What?!

So I waited about 3 seconds before I sent the picture off to Bobby where he asked how dark the line should be. A line is a line. Pregnant means pregnant. Now the question was…do I trust THIS Dollar Tree test? Embarrassingly enough, I happened to pee through all my other good expensive pregnancy tests within the past week. I did have one digital pregnancy test left and a few Wondfo’s from Amazon that I had ordered with my Ovulation Test Strips. I decided to do both. The Wondfo showed the same faint line of a possible positive and the digital screamed a big fat “not pregnant”. My urine was diluted though at this point. It was mid afternoon…not first morning pee.

So I went on with my day, packed up Josie and went to the grocery store. I picked up the same tests I took when I found out I was pregnant with her. EPT, Clearblue with the + signs and Clearblue digital.

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Don’t judge. I wanted one for everyday if I had to. Something was going on! I’m a woman who’s trying to get pregnant for crying out loud. I waited until late afternoon and took my time to use the EPT test. After dipping it in my urine, within seconds the moment I’ve been waiting for…

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…a big fat + sign! = PREGNANT!

Oh.my.gosh.

I just sat there in disbelief on the bathroom floor as tears filled my eyes. “God, are you serious? I just said when I started my period a few days ago, that you hated me!” “Oh God, I’m so sorry for saying that. Oh God…is this real?”

…I texted Bobby: “I just took the same test that I took when I found out I was pregnant with Josie…” “We’re PREGNANT!”

Again, as with the last pregnancy, Bobby had to be Facetimed in order to see the positive result. It’s ironic how we weren’t together both times we found out I was pregnant.

I have yet to meet with any OBGYN. I do have an appointment coming up though. Hopefully I really like her. But who knows, I may not even give birth here in Michigan. We may be gone by then (we hope).

UPDATE:

May 5th, 2015:

I woke up at 2:30 this morning in agonizing nausea. Yeah, it made me worry. Is the nausea starting early in this pregnancy? Last time it came around 7-8 week mark. I guess it’s true when they say every pregnancy is different.

I took another pregnancy test today. You know…just to make sure it was still there. Don’t judge.

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Yup…still there.

We’re over the moon!

After the digital, I began to cry. It hit me. I cannot believe it…I’m PREGNANT!

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