Last month we gave up trying to conceive. I finally understood what it meant when people would always tell me “just stop trying”, “just stop thinking about it”, “just relax”. I secretly wanted to punch every single person that ever said that to me during my struggle to carry another pregnancy. How could I just stop? How can someone just stop “thinking about it” when you want something SO bad? I truly wanted to stop thinking. I did. I was so tired of waking up every damn day testing my urine on a HCG or LH strip. Sometimes I would test two, three, four times a day. I was obsessed. I was driving myself crazy. I was exhausted. I was creating a monster!
After the faint positive pregnancy test on December 20th and then having horrible unbelievable cramping and bleeding two days later with three doctors visits in between (Merry Christmas to me!), I finally threw my hands up in anger, bitterness and frustration about this pregnancy ordeal. I was done. I was depressed. I was sad. I was angry. I was bitter. I was lost. I was finally able to admit it. What happened to me? How did I get so consumed in this? How did I let myself hurry through days with Josie just to get to that “time frame” of knowing or not knowing? I may have wanted to grow my family but I was being selfish. Every waking moment was consumed with testing, thinking, worrying about could I or could I not be pregnant. What is wrong with me? What is wrong with Bobby? Is it me? Is it him? Am I too stressed out? What is the problem? Will this month be the month? Will I miscarry, again?
After the doctor told me I had a hemorrhagic cyst burst and a possible miscarriage/chemical pregnancy on December 22nd, I finally, truly, honestly gave up. I didn’t open my fertility app anymore after that. I didn’t track my CM, intercourse or my symptoms. I didn’t pee on any sticks. I honestly, for the first time, felt at ease and relaxed and truly happy. I remember telling Bobby: “I actually feel very happy right now. Happy that I gave up trying to figure out my body and make it happen.” Truth is: I am not God. It’s not up to me. It’s not my choice. It’s up to Him. He’s in charge here. He knows when the time is right. He knows me and my body. He knows the plan. I have no control over that. And to think I ever did was completely insane. I was literally driving myself insane. I even considered anti-depressants/anti-anxiety medications. I even made an appointment with a therapist.
I fell apart (after a few cocktails) to Bobby, finally spilling all my deepest, darkest secrets lately. All my emotions and thoughts of sadness. I finally came to terms with who I have become lately. I hated it. This was not me. And truthfully, I haven’t been me in a very long time. And to finally break down and pour it all out to my husband and have him just sit with me and listen as he held me and hugged me was really all I needed this entire time. So with that being said, we let it go. We stopped making our moments of “quiet time” be all about “getting it done”. We stopped waking up and saying “okay, todays the day!”
We turned back into “us”. We spent more time cuddling and talking. We spent more time in silence as we drank our coffees together. We spent more time talking about our future, our plans and our budget. We let it go…the thought of having another baby. If it happens, then it happens…
My face cleared up about a week or less after that last MC. I started feeling a lot better. I picked up extra shifts at work and decided to focus on eating healthy again and being consistent with my vitamins.
Suddenly fatigue hit me hard one day at work. My face was breaking out again. I was craving Coke Zero, chocolate and vanilla puddings and anything sweet and salty. But this isn’t anything new around this time of the month. I usually crave junk around my cycle. But the acne on the jawline/chin/neck/chest, had me critically thinking just a little bit more. Could it be possible? No way. I had JUST had a miscarriage. I didn’t track anything. I honestly, really don’t even think I ovulated before Bobby left to go offshore because I had such a long “period” because of the miscarriage. Me: “there’s no way”.
I worked several more days in a row and I was completely exhausted. I should be for working so many 14 hour shifts in a row, right? Well, usually I can function and make it with a little bit of coffee and espresso. But I couldn’t drink enough on my 3rd day straight. I could barely keep my eyes open! What in the world is wrong with me? Am I getting sick again?
Several days afterwards I thought to myself “just go grab the bag of tests. Just do it.” Last month, I hid them in my closet. Out of sight, our of mind, right?
So I did.
And at the corner of my eye it happened…
Yes, I tested several times (I told you I was insane).
…I would tell you that I was speechless but I wasn’t. The only thing that kept coming out of my mouth were curse words. I won’t dare repeat them. They were comments of “pure shock!” I honestly didn’t believe I was pregnant. It HAD to of been the miscarriage…or a hormonal issue. Or just something wrong with me because there was ALWAYS something wrong with me. Of course the waiting game started. I tried to relax. I had no real symptoms. I felt completely normal.
Bobby: “wait a few more days and test again.”
Ummm. I’m quite sure he still doesn’t get it. A FEW DAYS?! There was no way I’d make it that far. No way. Tomorrow needed to be today. Two days from now, needed to be today. I’m probably one of the most impatient people you know (right?) so for me to wait was like pure and utter torture.
…but I’m not God.
Like I mentioned above…I’m not Him. I can’t rush time or change anything. If I’m pregnant then I’m pregnant. I just needed to take one day at a time. And a few xanex to calm me the heck down (no, I didn’t take any).
Eventually I was able to relax. I put it out of my mind.
Ironically Josie was very close to me these first few days. It was like she knew. It was like she knew that my attention would soon be focused on this and 9 months down the road she may be getting less of my attention. That’s parenthood. I won’t say how it will be, but I can say that I’d never isolate her. She cuddled with me that night. She fell asleep in my bed with me that night. I felt like my love for her quadrupled. She was my first born. My strong headed little independent Josie. I’m not perfect but I know I can love more than one child at a time. I can’t imagine it now, as my entire heart of so consumed by Josie, but when this child or any child (because we really never know what could happen) joins our family, I know it will change me. And I know I can love them equally…
I had my HCG drawn and it came back at 74.
I had another HCG drawn and it came back at 1096.
I had another HCG drawn on January 27th and it came back at 1917.
I took two more urine tests after this. Then I stopped. Only because I had my first sonogram on February 2nd…
I would be lying if I said I am calm and relaxed about this. I’m not. I’m terrified. I’m terrified daily of what could go wrong. I know that at any given moment this could end. But rather than hide away (like I have been) and continue keeping this from everyone, I decided it would make me (maybe not some people in my situation) feel better to talk about it, share it, and enjoy it (even though I feel like I’m not quite there yet). I had a friend tell me this: “Everyday you are pregnant is a day you should be celebrating. Take each day as it comes. Trying to look too far into the future or think about all the “what ifs” will only steal your joy and this baby deserves to be celebrated and loved on and talked about.” She inspired me to share this news with all of you. And I know it’s just killing my mom to be able to tell everyone as well. As much as I want to hide away until this little one is in my arms, I would hate to look back and say “I wish I would have spent more time enjoying the now.” Because I loved being pregnant with Josie and I know I’ll love this pregnancy too regardless of what happens. I feel blessed and so grateful. So no matter what happens in this journey, I feel confident sharing this news simply because if (God forbid) anything to happen, I know I have a wonderful support group who I can turn to. And we could really use some extra prayers right now. Please keep us in your thoughts.