Priceless

Priceless. This feeling. The feeling of a little body curled up into your neck. A little body that you helped to create. The feeling of your heart outside your body. The feeling of this little baby love that is almost too much to bare. It’s loving her so much it literally hurts.

It’s almost as if I can still feel her warmth. And her smell. That little itty bitty baby love. I miss it. Those days come and go so fast. And as a first time mother, you hear all sorts of advice like “soak it up, because it goes by so fast.” or “enjoy every moment because before you know it, you’re sending them to college.” But also as a new mother, you’re terrified, exhausted, sleepless, hungry and sore. It really was/is truly hard to 100% enjoy these moments. But looking back, I can say that I tried my best. And since I long for her to be that tiny again, I can’t help but feel regret for not holding her MORE, cuddling her MORE, loving her MORE. Enjoying the baby Josie more. I feel like in the blink of an eye she has grown into a walking, talking, laughing sweetheart full of life and energy. She certainly keeps me on my toes but can make me crumble and melt with her “I love you’s”, kisses and hugs. She’s a sweetheart. I love being her mommy.

With another little girl on the way, Josie will become a big sister. I’m terrified of how she’ll react. I’m terrified of making her feel less important. I’m terrified of not loving her enough when she needs it most. I’m terrified of breastfeeding, potty training, loving a newborn enough, sleeping enough, eating enough, getting a shower and most of all loving my husband. I’m terrified of being a hormonal monster. I’m terrified of my anxiety, developing PPD or just falling into a pit of loneliness. Luckily, Josie can talk now and somewhat communicate with me. And hopefully by the time Juliette comes she will cling herself more to me, to us, rather than distance herself because she may feel “replaced”. I hate that word. Replaced. Never! I hope God gives me the strength to get through the hardest moments in the beginning. Where my boobs are leaking and my hormones are balancing out and I’m healing from an intense labor. I swear, I never ask for help. And those closest to me know that. Not even after Josie’s 15 hour labor where I had a 4th degree tear and stitches broken/infected 3 or 4 times. I’m still stubborn and I don’t ask for help.

Right now I’m asking you/begging you to please reach out to me when Juliette is born. Please make sure we’re okay. Please check on us. Please pray for us.

It will be especially hard because Bobby was my biggest helper and encourager. He was amazing! He would hold Josie and feed her a bottle of breastmilk while I pumped in the middle of the night. He would get up and change her diaper without me saying a word. He helped so much. I never, ever had to ask for help. He was amazing. With him being gone half of the time, it’s up to me to do this alone and I’m terrified. I am asking God, everyday, to give me the strength to do this. I want to do my best and I guess that’s all I can do.