If I’ve learned anything from life, it’s that sometimes, the darkest times can bring us to the brightest places. I’ve learned that the most toxic people can teach us the most important lesson; that our most painful struggles can grant us the most necessary growth; and that the most heartbreaking losses of friendship and family and love can make room for the most wonderful people. I’ve learned that what seems like a curse in the moment can actually be a blessing, and that what seems like the end of the road is actually just the discovery that we are meant to travel down a different path. I’ve learned that no matter how difficult things seem, there is always hope. And I’ve learned that no matter how powerless we feel or how horrible things seem, we can’t give up. We have to keep going. Even when it’s scary. Even when all of our strength seems gone, we have to keep picking ourselves back up and moving forward, because whatever we’re battling in the moment, it will pass, and we will make it through. We’ve made it this far. We can make it through whatever comes next.
When you heal, you do change. You become more guarded. You have a wall so high, people will wonder what happened to you to make you like this. You owe no one an explanation. What you do owe is only to yourself. And that is peace of mind, body and soul. Make sure you give that to yourself, every day.
“Watch your words or actions towards other people. Don’t take your bad day out on others. People are fighting battles that are unseen. Your words can build or destroy. At the end of the day, you can be the difference between making someone feel special or making someone feel discarded. Be the difference in their life. You have no idea how dark their day might be.-Alana Weston, (2018)”
People ask me all the time: “how was your childhood?” I can only think truly and honestly think about one thing: I feel robbed. Some may think I had it great because I had free range like a chicken. But where did that get me today? What did that do for my future? How did that prepare me for life as an adult? Free range means…no boundaries, no rules…I did what I wanted. And because I had no direction, it dictated the person I became today. Very guarded. Very strong to the point of intense stubbornness. Very raw, mean and straightforward. Honest. Blunt. Sometimes too much? I had no one to teach me any different. No one to teach me right from wrong. No one to help me with homework. No one to guide me on a path to success. It was all up to me. I was alone. I felt alone. I wrote poetry. In fact, I still have the book of poetry I wrote from when I was a child sitting on my bookshelf today. I’d sat in my room as a teenager and cried day after day. My father was non-existent. My mother was in the living room drinking with friends/boyfriends, etc. My sister and I were never close as adolescents, during the most crucial identity discovery moment of ones life. And once I became an adult I prayed and desired that closeness with her. But she just couldn’t. But that, more apparent than ever, will never happen in this lifetime. Gosh, I hope I can teach my children the opposite. I’m not perfect. I will NEVER claim perfection. But my children are my project. I want them to be anything but me. I want them to love each other and be there for each other…for life. Best friends. Be each others best friend no matter what. No matter how much they hurt one another. No matter what life throws at them. And I want them love me too, somewhere in there. But mainly, I want them to have each other…forever. I want them to know that family IS forever and words can destroy a heart. So tread lightly when anger sets in.
“Now, as an adult, I realized a lot of my anger comes from having anger and abuse directed towards me as a child.-unknown”
Don’t hide behind the truth. Accept it and work on moving on. Do it for you. I know I am…finally. It is a very, very, very long road to recovery and healing…if recovery and healing is even an option.
This summer was precious. I will kiss my daughter in just a few weeks, as she starts Preschool. Which means, no more Fall and Winters of just us three. My baby is all grown up. My heart is happy for her yet breaking at the same time. Where did my dark haired little teeny baby go?
I shall let go…
And finally take the time to work on me…
Narcissistic abuse recovery makes you self-empowered. It brings you into yourself. It allows you to find your voice. You start making your own decisions, sharing your own opinions, setting up boundaries, allowing others to hold their own pain and anxiety instead of taking it on for them. You become more assertive and confident.
Getting help is the easy part…
Healing is the hard part…
I’m still learning…
How do you put yourself back together when you don’t even know when you fell apart?
How do you fix something that YOU didn’t break?
This is a real great read: