To know you is to love you. For you are one of a kind. For there was only one you, to love me. For there was ever only one person to love me deeply and faithfully…and that was you. It’s always been you…
I still remember that rainy warm night in Michigan, in the field of South Middle School as we ran and laughed at each other, with each other, careless and free. We were walking through the open field, then suddenly my phone (Verizon flip phone) started playing Phil Collins: Groovy Kind of Love, in my pocket. We still never knew how this even happened. Either way, that became “our song” that night. God was watching. He was smiling. But I can’t say he was smiling bigger then I was that night, because that was pretty hard to compete with. I remember texting you on my way home that night and telling you that my face hurt from laughing and smiling so much.
Just to be with you was pure bliss and my entire body tingled. You always had that affect on me, since I was only 11-years-old. So young, I know; but I knew! I really, really knew! THIS is what love feels like. You were a gem to be fought for. And boy I fought (ask anyone from my childhood days). You were one of a kind. And I was determined to make you mine forever. The fight was tough. But eventually, I won. You were the prize of my lifetime. I’m so lucky to be your wife.
Phil Collins has always reminded me of you and I…(our story, our childhood, growing up together-you were my best friend since I was 11-years-old), yet at this stage in life, here we were in the field of raindrops, being 20-something-years-old now, walking home from JB’s Place (the local bar of walking distance). We both stopped and stared at each other as my phone started playing (“what was that sound?”). After realizing it was my phone, you said: “will you dance with me, Stacy?” Just you and I, in the middle of the field. It was so quiet. Just us and the music. It started to rain harder. You didn’t see my tears. I’ve never been more happy in my life. It was warm and humid. We both laughed and thought it was the craziest thing. It was then that we fell to the grass in laughter, only to stop and look around and realize that this is the very school we went to together as we were just little kids trying to “fit in”. This was the school we walked together to each and every morning, not saying a word to each other because we dreaded school. This school is where I became more then a just that little girl–I fell deeply and madly in love with my best friend. You were my ride or die. My sneak-in-my-window-at-night friend. This is the time where I was nominated “Most Fun to Be With” and won, because of you. These were the days of “is-that-Bobby-Sock-under-your-bed”? You were my “let’s-makeout-because-there’s-nothing-else-to-do, friend.” my “let’s-ride-our-bikes-to-town, friend.” my “I’ll-hop-on-the-pegs-of-your-bike, friend.”. The “let’s-carve-our-names-in-the-Belleville-lake-bridge, friend.” You were my “stay-the-night-at-my-house-every-weekend, friend”. We spent every single day together. Every holiday, every Halloween. We caused so much trouble that to even look back makes me cringe to tell our children one day. We were always together-day and night-maybe because you didn’t want to be home with your family and I didn’t want to be alone with mine, I don’t know. But we found each other and discovered things about one another only you and I know. It’s like a secret little world we have. A little piece of Heaven. You’d knock on my window at night, crawl in and we’d never say a word to each other some nights. We’d just sit on my futon together. It was company that was needed, silence. Sometimes no words needed to be said. Although, at the time my heart was screaming ‘I love you, Bobby’. You got me.
As kids, we were always outside, even in 4-foot of snow. We’d make snow forts, igloos, build snowmen and we played hide-and-seek in the neighborhood. Every Winter day felt like a snow day back then. We’d roll big balls of snow and barricade the street and laugh as cars had to turn around because they couldn’t drive through. We snuck into the pool and went night swimming in the summer in our underwear. We put shaving cream on Larry’s house and turned on his faucet behind his house. We used rolls and rolls of film in my 35mm camera to only never be developed. We discovered fun and trouble like kids do. And I fell in love with you. All of you. Every bit of that 11-year-old-boy over the many years we grew closer and closer together. I fell in love with how you loved me as your best friend. How you were the first knock on my door each morning or just walked in through the door like you lived at our house. How you’d raid our pantry and take all the sweets we had. We eat all the Schwans ice cream my mom had just bought. You hugged me when I’d cry over a boy. You’d watch movies with me on week days and play Crash Bandicoot, Rush and Mario Cart together on the weekends. We’d order pizza and 40’s from Benito’s pizza and devour every last bite. We’d rehearse verses from Austin Powers. We’d play D.A.R.E in the midnight hours, as we cuddled up in the back of Mike’s pickup truck with piles of blankets while just staring up at the stars. We’d dance the Macarena naked in front of the clubhouse. We’d laugh, we’d fight (oh man, we fought), we’d forgive (very quickly). We discovered kissing was our way to escape the pain of our childhood. We went roller skating every single weekend together; never, ever missed one night. We talked–ohhhh, those talks. We fell deeply in love. I knew it. Yet, you didn’t then. You were still so young. So scared of that feeling you had for me. What in the world was it? Everyone else knew it. We were always ‘Stacy and Bobby’. I’ll never forget the night that you told me that I was irreplaceable. It’s engraved in my memory like it was yesterday. Sitting on the railing outside the clubhouse garage-you said: “I know we’ll find a way back to each other one day. Maybe five, maybe ten, but we will; because you’re Stacy and you’re special to me.” I’ll never forget those words that day.
Growing up with the pressures of high school, the groups of friends you had (that I didn’t approve of) and the groups of girlfriends I had (that you didn’t approve of), we managed to destroy our once close bond into a pass-a-please-forgive-me-note between classes. I cried over you countless times in the bathroom. Skipped school and walked home alone. My heart was broke for so many years as we drifted. But I was still waiting and ready for you. All of you. Even as I grew older. And I have always been ready to give you all of me. You became my Bobby. My ‘Umbro Bumbo’. I was your ‘Lisa Frank Bitch’. You were my everything. My soul mate. God’s reason for me to keep pushing and make something of my life. I always had this voice in the back of my head “what would Bobby think?” before I did something.
I thought about you after I left Belleville after my Junior year of high school, and I wrote you letters. As with time and with the advance in technology, we found each other again. Although, only a few years passed between us, (with some much needed other relationship experiences-thank God for those!), we managed to pick right back up where we left off. We were always so good at that. My love for you never disappeared, no matter where life took me. Because you were one-of-a-kind, unique. You had my heart. You knew the real me. You understood me. There need not be any explaining or telling you where I came from or why I am who I am. You stole my heart and never gave it back. And today, I thank you for that. And in our lives today, you still get me. You still love me and spoil me beyond what I deserve most days.
Thank you for being my person. Thank you for loving me wholeheartedly for who I am. All of me. Because you know me…the real me. Thank you for providing us with this beautiful life we have. This beautiful home. Careers we love. Two beautiful daughters…thank you for giving me two beautiful daughters to love. Thank you for doing this while parenting thing with me. You really are an amazing father. Thank you for never ceasing to amaze me with your ability to still give me butterflies with your beautiful brown eyes and just the touch of your hand. I love you Bobby. You may go by ‘Robert’ now, as we are grown, but you’ll always be MY Bobby. And everyone who has grown to know us since we were young, knew you were mine. They knew “Stacy and Bobby”, always.
Happy anniversary my best friend. I love you so deep, it hurts. You have me, all of me, forever. And I know that I have you too. And that’s not something everyone can say about their marriage. We have something special, something rare. A real bond that insecurities have never existed. I admire that about us…
Baby, wouldn’t you agree, you and me have a Groovy Kind of Love…
Will I think of you?
Will I think of you?
Only at sunrise
Which is God’s beginning
For you were there
At the beginning of me
When I came alive
And discovered my place
My worth
The beauty of earth
And the miracle of daybreak
Once again
And the richness of mornings
To come
Only in the morning
Each time
The darkness of past
Is chased
By the light of now
Will I think of you…
Only then
Only at night
Where the silence
And the blackness
Is touched occasionally
By a lonely cat
Or suspicious puppy
A passing place
Red eye winking
To the stars
Who refuse to be seduced
When I hear
Your whispered love
In the tree rustle
When I feel your secret hand
Exploring me
Drifting across my skin
To rest in a friendly
Harbor
And my mind tells me
I am alone
But my heart knows better
Only then
Will I think
Of you
Will I think of you?
Only when it snows
And the whiteness
The pure
Virgin
Whiteness
Covers my face
Of the earth
To cleanse the trampled
Corruption
Of times past
Like a new love
Delicate
Untracked
Unexplored
Waiting for the lovers
To choose carefully
The path to heaven
Together
When I am overcome by
The realization that you
Created the whiteness and the
Purity
And you led me
Like a child
Both of us children
Into
A new an pure
Wonderful land of our own
Where each step
Left a priceless Landmark
And promised a new
Place to explore
A new step to come
Then I will
Watch the snow
Falling in swirls and flurries
Of perfect crystal tears
I will watch
The new virginity
Embrace the earth
And I will think of you
Only when it rains
I will recall
An aching soul and crying heart
Standing in pools of the saddest light
Back to back
And moving away
And I knew
The tears in your heart
Would soon be on your cheeks
To wet my fingers
As I held your face
Up to the light
To remember
For tomorrow
Then…
Whenever the eyes of heaven
Overflow
And God’s tears
Wash across my window
I shall see again
Those streaks of love
Which flowed for me
To bind an aching soul
To a crying heart
And I will think of you
And when the day is clear
After a rain
And a new vision
Of the landscape
Is visible to all
Who will
Bother to look and see
When I remember how I felt
Safe enough with you
To let you see me
Cry
When the tears washed clean
The windows of my vision
And I could see
The past and present of myself
And find hope and strength
For the future
And after the rain of my crying
I felt washed
And fresh and loved
As my babyself
Must have felt
When my mother
Bathed her infant
Then after each rain
How can I help
But think of you?
Will I think of you?
Only when it’s cold
And I’m shivering
Against the wind
And suddenly from inside
The core of me
From my deepest depths
Comes
A small warming flame
Which wants to grow
And I fight it
Until I realize I need it
Want it
To flow through me
To fill me
Because
It is you
Only in the spring
When the first warm breezes of April
Give courage
To the youngest
Tenderest
Shoots of nature
To appear
To live
To grow
When the thaw
In the mountains
Sends the pure cold
Cascading
Waters
Down the
Hillside
To fill the streams
As you fill me
To laughter
And tears
Only then…
Will I think of you
Will I think of you?
Only when I feel
Warmed and wanted
Though once
I felt I was outside
Looking in
Disconnected
Watching the world
Go by
Then…
I’ll remember
That in your love
I found acceptance
And I’ll think of you
Only when I laugh
At a joke of others
Or my own
Or a memory of you
And the laughter rises
Out of the well of me
To be tasted
By my mouth and lips
When the tickle rolls
Through my body
To remind me
Of days and nights
Of free laughter with you
Even while others stared
At the crazy couple
Wondering what could be so funny
In a world
Of grim rushing
And painful waiting
Urgent hoping
And sad silences
Then
When the laughter
Is multiplied
By past joys remembered
And I can’t stop
Even to catch my breath
Of to give relief to my aching sides
I’ll realize
That the laughter of my life
If for you
Because of you
And I’ll think of you
But only then
Or when I’m sad and lost
Tired of trying
When the tears and pains
Of the world
All seem to be mine
When there is no one but you
Who would really understand
The emptiness of my soul
The sorrow
Of trying
And failing
Of knowing that
Life can be trial
Where the judge and jury
Sometimes sit
With faces of stone
And will not respond
Even to a cry
From the truest heart
When I know
That the final precious blossom
Clinging to the tree
Will surely fall
Under the constant
Persistent
Pressing of the wind
When I know that you
And only you
Could see all this
And hear all this
And be with me in my sadness
In silent understanding
And shed tears
For my sorrow
Then I will think of you
Only when the turn of fortune
Comes my way again
When I ride
The crest of triumph
Glowing with pride
In the promised fulfilled
When the adoring crowd
Has returned
With shouts of approval
Then I will search their faces
Looking for the one
Who stood beside me
In defeat
And should be there
In the victory
Which is empty
Without you
Will I think of you?
No…
Only when I’m with others
Surrounded
In a crowded party room
Listening to
Several conversations
People communicating
Or trying to…
Watching the
Blur of figures and
Faces go past
None coming into focus
Except yours
Again and again
In each corner
In each chair
In every smile
Only you
Persistent
Forever
Only then
Will I think of you?
Only on the highway
When I travel
Searching for money and fame
And finding that neither feeds me
When I pass
The other travelers
Some going my way
And some not
But I realize
That this is what we all
Must do…
To fall behind
The traveling flow
And catch up
And pass others
Then fall behind again
Passed by those
Who rush on
Believing that
It is best
To be there first
But I know that this is
Where we all are
On the highway
That there is no “here” or “there”…
There is only
The coming and going
If we can help
One
Who finds the way
Too hard or too long
Then that is worth
All of being
And I will try to help
Because someone helped me
Someone who cared more
About the brothers on the
Road
Than about the
Gifts at the end
And that someone was you
So I will think of you
Only on the beach
Where the timeless
Never-ending surge
Of water
Changes
The face of earth
Again and again
Each minute of the day
Night
And always
Where the children
And the aged
Come together
To chase a wave
The surf
Of a dream
Where the tide shifts constantly
Teaching me
That today is only today
And whatever I have
Good or bad
Much or little
Must change
Or it will rot
And die
Then and there when I recall
The change
In this thing called me
The new sides
New forms
New shapes of me
Which came
When you
Washed across
My being
Then, there
On the beach
I will think
Of you
Will I think of you?
Only when I’m alone
Staring out my window
Into space…
Which becomes you
Your love
Smiling back
To the warmth
Of my heart
Filling the emptiness
The loneliness
With your being
Only then
Will I think of you
Only when I hear music
And the songs
Of the poet singers
Remind me
That
All things are for all
People
That there is
A love and a sorrow
A joy and a pain
Which each of us separately
Feels
As if it is our alone
And it is only ours
Even while it is everyone’s
For each of us is
A separate miracle
In a collective miracle
Brought together
For a moment
By a group of notes
And a scan of words
From the heart
Of one
Who dares
To think
That others
Might feel
As he feels
And he sings it out to us
As a gift
To be accepted
Or rejected
But given with
A heart of love
I thank them
The poet singers
Who give us communion
And help us join with
Each other
Think of each other
And bless us
With each other’s love
For in that music – love – rhythm
I feel your
Heart beat
And I will think of you
Will I think of you?
Only when we’re apart
And the aching joy-pain of our love
Surrounds me
Filling the air I breathe
Only with each blink of my
Eye which yearns
To re-open to find you here
With me
Only with each clock-tick
Which makes my ear perk up
Hopeful
That is has heard
Your key in the door
Only when I daydream and re-dream
Out coming together again
When the world will fall away
Leaving only two figures
Yours and mine
Merged into
A classic chord
Loving…
Being loved
In each
Part of harmony
Only on special days
Birthday, holidays
And other days…
When those who
Give to each other
And live for each other
Travel
For hours or days
Or for an instant
To hold
Or dream-hold
Each other
To exchange
Heart-warmth
And body-warmth
When we commemorate
And celebrate
The special days
Of life of love
Then and especially then
Because the day is special
As your glorious being
Is special
I will think of you
Only when we’re together
And I can think of nothing else
And everything else
Because we together
Are everything
And our togetherness is
All things
Then as always
And forever
I will think of you
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zhm7ouCa1NI
One of my most memorable moments of us in those days, was when you stopped traffic in downtown Ann Arbor. You took my hand and walked me out into the middle of the street. You didn’t care about traffic or how they (surprisingly) patiently waited for us to move. You didn’t care that people were watching. It was just you and I. Christmas lights surrounded us. Snow was coming down faster then people could shovel it. It was a moment to remember. You asked me to dance with you. Right there! In the street! You hummed music into my ear as you twirled me around in the snow under the stop lights. We laughed and ran back to the sidewalk. And with disbelief, I couldn’t believe we just did that. It felt like a movie (The Notebook—we were The Notebook!). You had a knack for being so romantic and adventurous. It was so much fun. I felt like my heart was going to explode. I can still feel that moment. What a beautiful memory to have.
I remember we got snowed in that year. It snowed so much that we had to walk to downtown. It snowed so much that our cars were buried under the snow and after two days of non-stop snow, we had to dig them out. The best part was being stuck in Ann Arbor, with you. The best part was having to call off work because there was no way to leave. The best part was being stuck in your apartment as it came down inch after inch until foot became foot. It was beautiful! And so much fun! I loved every minute of it.
Riding in your car, windows down, sunroof open. The warmth of the Michigan summer nights, blasting the sound track to this movie. I love how listening to these songs (now) is like a capsule back into time. The feelings that I felt those days, reignite. I thank God for those moments. They really were the best times of my life.
I love you.
A Pair of Socks 