Don’t Judge Me-You Have No Idea the Road I’ve Traveled

Think before you speak. Before you judge. Before you remind me that I skip out or cancel. Do you know me? Do you know what I struggle with? Do you have any idea what it’s like to be in this mind of mine? I think not. But your words cut like a knife no matter if you’re close to me or not. Why? Because I’m well aware of what I do/don’t do and sadly, unfortunately, I have no control over it. You may think I’m just blowing you off. But really, I’m having a tough day. I’m having a moment of “I just cannot be around anyone today.” I’m having a moment of “I can’t stop crying, and I don’t know why.” …but I don’t confide this in you because of the massive judgment and total misunderstanding of what it’s like to be…me. I am different. I’m lovable and kind. Passionate and real. Honest and blunt. Scared and worried. Isolated and alone…you.have.no.idea. So before you pass judgment and talk about me to your friends, know that this is out of my control. If it were up to me, I’m be happy-go-lucky every single day of my life. Unfortunately, my mental illness doesn’t allow me that. I reach, but cannot reach far enough. So to surround myself with those who discredit what I do do or knock me down for what I don’t, creates this distance and wall. I am not perfect. But I try my best to be a good friend and be present. But not everyday is good for me, can you understand that?

Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time. It’s the fear of failure but no urge to be productive. It’s wanting friends but hating socializing. It’s wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely. It’s caring about everything then caring about nothing. It’s feeling everything at once then feeling paralyzingly numb.

Depression isn’t always crying your mascara off in the shower and playing sad songs in bed. Sometimes it’s not wanting to talk to anyone for days and other times it’s desperately needing to be around people. Sometimes depression is having no appetite even though you haven’t eaten anything since yesterday and sometimes it’s eating everything you have in the fridge. Depression isn’t your husband holding you and telling you that it’s going to be okay. It’s sitting across the table, not eating, having him ask you what’s wrong and knowing that you’re ruining his night because you can’t seem to snap out of it and just be happy. It’s the frustrating feeling of desperately wanting to enjoy something and just be normal for once. It’s keeping things secret from people you love because you don’t want them to look at you like you’re broken. No, depression isn’t beautiful black and white images. Depression is lonely and frustrating and mostly just exhausting.

Depression, anxiety and panic attacks are not signs of weakness. They are signs of trying to remain strong for far too long. It’s really difficult when you feel like you don’t have anyone…that feeling when you’re not necessarily sad, but you just feel really empty.

Family is supposed to be our safe haven. Very often, it’s the place where we find the deepest heartache.

People have always said “what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.” Well…I believe: “what doesn’t kill you, screws you up mentally.”

On most days, I try my hardest to not act how I feel…

I wanna go somewhere and scream as loud as I can. I wanna pull my heart out and throw it, burn it and be heartless like them.

Maybe I deserve all of this…

Pain changes people, it makes them trust less, overthink more and shut people out.

“I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. it’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone.”-Robin Williams

Most days, I am tired of trying to hold things together that cannot be held. Trying to control what cannot be controlled. I am tired of denying myself what I want for fear of breaking things I cannot fix. They will break no matter what I do. And they have. I don’t remember what it’s like to not feel broken…

Staying Positive in a World so Negative & Destructive

If I’ve learned anything from life, it’s that sometimes, the darkest times can bring us to the brightest places. I’ve learned that the most toxic people can teach us the most important lesson; that our most painful struggles can grant us the most necessary growth; and that the most heartbreaking losses of friendship and family and love can make room for the most wonderful people. I’ve learned that what seems like a curse in the moment can actually be a blessing, and that what seems like the end of the road is actually just the discovery that we are meant to travel down a different path. I’ve learned that no matter how difficult things seem, there is always hope. And I’ve learned that no matter how powerless we feel or how horrible things seem, we can’t give up. We have to keep going. Even when it’s scary. Even when all of our strength seems gone, we have to keep picking ourselves back up and moving forward, because whatever we’re battling in the moment, it will pass, and we will make it through. We’ve made it this far. We can make it through whatever comes next.

When you heal, you do change. You become more guarded. You have a wall so high, people will wonder what happened to you to make you like this. You owe no one an explanation. What you do owe is only to yourself. And that is peace of mind, body and soul. Make sure you give that to yourself, every day.

“Watch your words or actions towards other people. Don’t take your bad day out on others. People are fighting battles that are unseen. Your words can build or destroy. At the end of the day, you can be the difference between making someone feel special or making someone feel discarded. Be the difference in their life. You have no idea how dark their day might be.-Alana Weston, (2018)”

People ask me all the time: “how was your childhood?” I can only think truly and honestly think about one thing: I feel robbed. Some may think I had it great because I had free range like a chicken. But where did that get me today? What did that do for my future? How did that prepare me for life as an adult? Free range means…no boundaries, no rules…I did what I wanted. And because I had no direction, it dictated the person I became today. Very guarded. Very strong to the point of intense stubbornness. Very raw, mean and straightforward. Honest. Blunt. Sometimes too much? I had no one to teach me any different. No one to teach me right from wrong. No one to help me with homework. No one to guide me on a path to success. It was all up to me. I was alone. I felt alone. I wrote poetry. In fact, I still have the book of poetry I wrote from when I was a child sitting on my bookshelf today. I’d sat in my room as a teenager and cried day after day. My father was non-existent. My mother was in the living room drinking with friends/boyfriends, etc. My sister and I were never close as adolescents, during the most crucial identity discovery moment of ones life. And once I became an adult I prayed and desired that closeness with her. But she just couldn’t. But that, more apparent than ever, will never happen in this lifetime. Gosh, I hope I can teach my children the opposite. I’m not perfect. I will NEVER claim perfection. But my children are my project. I want them to be anything but me. I want them to love each other and be there for each other…for life. Best friends. Be each others best friend no matter what. No matter how much they hurt one another. No matter what life throws at them. And I want them love me too, somewhere in there. But mainly, I want them to have each other…forever. I want them to know that family IS forever and words can destroy a heart. So tread lightly when anger sets in.

“Now, as an adult, I realized a lot of my anger comes from having anger and abuse directed towards me as a child.-unknown”

20 Things You Didn’t Realize You Were Doing Because of Childhood Emotional Abuse

Don’t hide behind the truth. Accept it and work on moving on. Do it for you. I know I am…finally. It is a very, very, very long road to recovery and healing…if recovery and healing is even an option.

This summer was precious. I will kiss my daughter in just a few weeks, as she starts Preschool. Which means, no more Fall and Winters of just us three. My baby is all grown up. My heart is happy for her yet breaking at the same time. Where did my dark haired little teeny baby go?

I shall let go…

And finally take the time to work on me

Narcissistic abuse recovery makes you self-empowered. It brings you into yourself. It allows you to find your voice. You start making your own decisions, sharing your own opinions, setting up boundaries, allowing others to hold their own pain and anxiety instead of taking it on for them. You become more assertive and confident.

Getting help is the easy part…

Healing is the hard part…

I’m still learning…

How do you put yourself back together when you don’t even know when you fell apart?

How do you fix something that YOU didn’t break?

…Grace.

This is a real great read:

Do You Know Me?

I’ve let my past define me for much too long.

It’s time to move forward.

Most of my blog posts evolved into TMI and much too deep into the darkest, hardest moments of my life. When it all was intended to capture our very first daughters journey of pregnancy, infant, toddler and such.

I’ve shared things on this blog I don’t even normally even talk about with others in fear of a potential friend running away. Or thinking that I’m carrying too much baggage.

So what do we do in the American society today? We ignore it. We ignore an outburst mistaken for a complaint. We ignore the small things. We ignore all the signs. Because it’s too much for some people to handle. We ignore the cry for help.

Lately, I’ve talked with a lot of my friends and I’m not going into detail on who said what. But with recent experiences with my family and life events, I’ve really come to understand that people don’t change just because you want them to. They don’t change because you hope they will. They don’t change because you have children. They don’t change. Period. And you can’t sit back and keep waiting. At least I can’t anymore.

And honestly, it’s the reason we left Michigan 8 years ago to begin with (and nursing school, of course).

I’m always bluntly honest yet purely kind. I love all people. And just because I share with you details of an awful childhood, a horrible experience, a feeling, this journey into this walk of life and where I am today, doesn’t define who I will and who I am to YOU. My potential to be a good friend to you. It only defines me, as a person. I’m delicate and sensitive (you may not see that part of me). Yet, I’ve made myself strong and strong-willed.

People will so often tell me that I’m the ‘strongest person they know’. But yet they only know what they read, hear, see, etc. They don’t truly know how often I hide in my closet and cry.

Some people are told via gossip of others (and stories are twisted) or see my name on social media. But I’ll be the first to admit this life isn’t easy. And I’ve posted nonsense when I shouldn’t. I opened my mouth when I should have kept it shut. That, my friends, is why I call myself weak. And I can’t see myself strong.

It’s not just this season of responsibilities and pressure to be the best mother. To prove that no matter how often I’m alone, I’m strong enough to do it. To prove that no matter how challenging my life can be and the trauma God puts me through, I can do it. But who am I trying to prove? That’s the question. Because I’m the only one that truly knows how I truly feel. And in all honesty, I’m not as strong as ya’ll think. Slowly, I’m tearing away at my seams.

It’s every thing. Life is hard. We think it’s hard as an child, teenager and growing into our own person but as an adult with children, we have huge responsibilities and lives that are constantly in our hands. And that is hard. Even though hard doesn’t seem like a strong enough word to express how I feel about motherhood.

And it’s hard enough to stay above water with my own battles and demons inside my mind, plus prove my worth and true self to those that walk into my life with open arms.

My entire life I felt the need to stick up for myself. Hold my own. Get myself dressed in the morning (as a kid). My socks didn’t match. My hair was a mess. I never ate breakfast or had money for lunch while everyone else sat there and ate. We were poor. And when I say poor, I mean the pits of poor.

I could have let it destroy me and define me (which in some part it has, unfortunately), or I can grow from it, learn, educate and blossom out into my own self and distance myself from that negative aura that my childhood haunts. Even when I look at photos of my old neighborhood, it makes my stomach turn. Truthfully, makes me overwhelmed with emotion.

No one gets it. No not even my parents. The only person that gets it is my husband. Because he was my best friend since the beginning. He was my neighbor. We were both poor. He saw it all. He saw me at my worst. He saw my family at it’s worst. He saw what I COULD have been in this life. He experienced it all with me.

Bobby and I aren’t perfect. But we’re perfect for each other. And he and I have a bond most people don’t. And I don’t boast on that, I just thank God that I have that ONE person who really, truly knows why I am the way I am, who I really am, and loves me truly and deeply because of it and more.

I always, always, always ever just want to love you. Yes, YOU! I want to be the friend you need. I can mold myself into the many shapes and dimensions that a person needs as a friend. Because so often in my life, I’ve felt alone.

I’m not asking you to be my best friend. But I’m asking you to count on me.

I lost my best friend in my junior year of high school and never met a soul remotely close to that until college. But with her living and building her life in Jersey, and me creating mine in Houston, I always seek to surround myself with people who will allow me to lift them up while not necessarily lifting ME up. And that’s always been my fault. It’s time to find more people who lift me up emotionally.

I love deep and hard. I’m loyal and dependable. I’m emotional and strong. But I’m weak. Most don’t even know the demons I’ve fought within (I’ll say it again). But I’ve overcome them-and that is an accomplishment that I’m pretty proud of.

Lately, I’ve realized, (because constructive criticism is the best) that I’m “too much”. I need to back off. Back off of social media. Stop trying to prove my worth to people. Mainly, just stop trying to get my family to love me.

Stop trying to get my family to love me. Stop. There’s was/is a method for the madness…

It’s a road that’s taken many routes. I’ve fallen off and I’ve driven that car never missing a turn. But lately (lately as in the past several years), I’ve fought long and hard to be expressive to the point of truthfully and honestly just being accepted. But I’ve found I can be loved without being so caustic.

You know I’m real on here.

You know I have no filter on here or if you and I engage in deep conversation.

But now is the time that I’ve realized (with so many friends that tell me truthfully how it is and they see it), that enough is enough.

People don’t have to be BLOOD to love you.

They don’t have to be BLOOD to care about you.

Sadly, I’ve learned that jealousy within my family is a killer. It kills/killed our family. All of them. Each of them.

I did something with my life and it really, sadly, disappoints them.

To live so far away and to have those single few, (just a handful left), who truly love me and my girls, mean more then anyone of you other family members (family reading this) can imagine. And sometimes there’s competition there. And I don’t like to look at it that way. Because I’m far away. And if any family wants to love me, reach out to me, gift me and my girls silly things-please be happy that we’re being thought of. That we are loved. Because being alone sucks. Being “un-thought of” sucks. And we don’t have many of those back “home” that think about our little family here in Houston.

I need peace.

And I’m realizing my peace is being disrupted with social media.

And I find that my family dynamics and my adjustment to fit in here, has destroyed who I really am on a emotional level. I sadly, have fallen into the social media he said she said battle of battles. And it’s draining.

If you know me on a personal level then you know the real me.

Social media me is not me. I’m sorry to say it. It’s like that for so many.

For so long I kept Facebook for the sake of family in Michigan to keep up with us here in Houston, Tampa, Houston. I kept it so that they can watch our girls grow. To feel like they are a part of our lives.

But why?

I’m giving them what they want.

What about what I want?

What if I don’t want to post or be honest?

What if I don’t want to let everyone back in my heart?

I am loved here even though those family members believe that I’m “unloveable”.

Why am I trying so hard to make a point on social media?

Why should I care?

Soul searching is key.

And I’ve realized and I’m determined that my life should no longer be an open book of “oh, Stacy! Yes, I’ve read all about her.”

BUT YOU HAVEN’T. That’s the issue. You don’t know me at all.

You have no idea what I’ve been through. Or why I am who I am.

The entire point of this post is to say that I’m educated, I care about this world that is turning to crap that I fear my children will grow up in. I’m tired of trying to make people see that they should put one foot forward and step into our lives. I’m tired of being bluntly honest to the point of losing good people in my life because they are scared of who I may be.

Sadly, my past has defined my recent life. Something I never wanted it to do. Something I swore I wouldn’t allow.

My children come first. Then my husband. Everything else can take a place in line. Because whether you’re family or not, you don’t really know me. You have no idea the internal battles I fight. Or the demons I constantly push. And if I try to explain or confide in you, it’s only a few words that need to be said (in your RESPONSE) that make me realize I’m not being heard, you don’t care and what you have to say is much bigger and more important. When in those exact moments, I’m screaming inside for your help.

As I’m getting older, I’m realizing that people don’t change. And family won’t love you anymore then they already do. No matter what you say or do. Or how many children you have.

My point?

You’re going see less of me of social media.

You’ll see less posts, less rants (fueled by my past childhood, sadly that’s the Hubel in me).

You’ll see less of the honest me as I try to become more patient and kind to myself.

Some things are better left unsaid.

I have a wonderful husband who comes from the same home environment as I do. He will be my go to for all things emotional and conversational.

You’ll see less photos of my girls. Why? Because if you can’t be a part of their lives now, or make an effort to call them, FaceTime them or ask me questions about them, why do you deserve to see them grow? And why should I exploit them on social media for your enjoyment?

As I learn, I grow. And as I grow older, I learn.

I meet new people and they tell me how I’m perceived.

I want that changed.

Because I’m probably not who you think I am, based upon my social media outbursts or rants about my illegitimate family.

At (almost) 35-years-old, it’s time to live my life, take pictures for my safe keeping (but don’t boast to the world-save them for my girls to see), and trust that those people out there that have formed an opinion of me solely on my social media activity, really don’t know a thing.

I picked a career that I did for a reason. To help people. No, it wasn’t for the money. Because it makes me feel full inside. I choose to give and be generous because it fills an empty space in my heart that’s been empty since I was a child.

So if you know who I am and love me for me, thank you.

But if you know me, and back away because of my social media exploitation’s, please try to understand my point here. And know I am a loving, honest, trustworthy, a damn good friend and I will bend over backwards for you.

One step at a time.

Life is always a lesson of learning…

And that step is backing away from social media.

I’m tired of trying to show my family that I AM loved here. I have people that really do care. Care more then some of my own family. Do things that even I know in my heart my family wouldn’t do for me. I’m grateful. Truly, truly grateful.

Because I am loved. By so many wonderful people here.

I don’t need to prove to anyone my worth anymore.

I’ll change this world by being a better mother, nurse, wife and friend.

If I can raise these girls into a better person then I am myself, then my life will be considered complete.

And you can take the time to know the REAL me, do so. I am not Facebook. I am not Instagram. I am Stacy.

You decide.

Besides, my husband hates social media. He’s never been a part of it and never will. And so often asks me to not be on it anymore as well. His birthday is May 13th, so Happy Birthday babe. I’m breaking up with social media.

Don’t worry friends, near and far-I’m still on there. I’m just not going to post anything anymore.

If you want to know how I am, call me. If you want to see my kids, call me. If you want a playdate, text me or just come over anytime. My door is always open for you.

It ends here.

And even on this blog. I’ll post. I’ll write. But it will be private. No longer for the world to see.

__________________________________________________

Every morning, my husband will text me Good Morning.

And after I had wrote this post, he ironically send me this link after saying Good Morning:

How Text Messages Change From Dating to Marriage

After reading this article, I then sent him this:

“Ironic that you sent that. We are so in tune with one another. Sometimes so that we don’t even know it. I haven’t finished it yet, but I have a blog post about something similar. Social media has taken over me and our lives in a way I no longer am comfortable with. Stay tuned and I’ll forward you the link to my post when I’m “finished”. Finished is the key word. 😘 I love you and hope you’re having a good day. We miss you home.”