Do You Know Me?

I’ve let my past define me for much too long.

It’s time to move forward.

Most of my blog posts evolved into TMI and much too deep into the darkest, hardest moments of my life. When it all was intended to capture our very first daughters journey of pregnancy, infant, toddler and such.

I’ve shared things on this blog I don’t even normally even talk about with others in fear of a potential friend running away. Or thinking that I’m carrying too much baggage.

So what do we do in the American society today? We ignore it. We ignore an outburst mistaken for a complaint. We ignore the small things. We ignore all the signs. Because it’s too much for some people to handle. We ignore the cry for help.

Lately, I’ve talked with a lot of my friends and I’m not going into detail on who said what. But with recent experiences with my family and life events, I’ve really come to understand that people don’t change just because you want them to. They don’t change because you hope they will. They don’t change because you have children. They don’t change. Period. And you can’t sit back and keep waiting. At least I can’t anymore.

And honestly, it’s the reason we left Michigan 8 years ago to begin with (and nursing school, of course).

I’m always bluntly honest yet purely kind. I love all people. And just because I share with you details of an awful childhood, a horrible experience, a feeling, this journey into this walk of life and where I am today, doesn’t define who I will and who I am to YOU. My potential to be a good friend to you. It only defines me, as a person. I’m delicate and sensitive (you may not see that part of me). Yet, I’ve made myself strong and strong-willed.

People will so often tell me that I’m the ‘strongest person they know’. But yet they only know what they read, hear, see, etc. They don’t truly know how often I hide in my closet and cry.

Some people are told via gossip of others (and stories are twisted) or see my name on social media. But I’ll be the first to admit this life isn’t easy. And I’ve posted nonsense when I shouldn’t. I opened my mouth when I should have kept it shut. That, my friends, is why I call myself weak. And I can’t see myself strong.

It’s not just this season of responsibilities and pressure to be the best mother. To prove that no matter how often I’m alone, I’m strong enough to do it. To prove that no matter how challenging my life can be and the trauma God puts me through, I can do it. But who am I trying to prove? That’s the question. Because I’m the only one that truly knows how I truly feel. And in all honesty, I’m not as strong as ya’ll think. Slowly, I’m tearing away at my seams.

It’s every thing. Life is hard. We think it’s hard as an child, teenager and growing into our own person but as an adult with children, we have huge responsibilities and lives that are constantly in our hands. And that is hard. Even though hard doesn’t seem like a strong enough word to express how I feel about motherhood.

And it’s hard enough to stay above water with my own battles and demons inside my mind, plus prove my worth and true self to those that walk into my life with open arms.

My entire life I felt the need to stick up for myself. Hold my own. Get myself dressed in the morning (as a kid). My socks didn’t match. My hair was a mess. I never ate breakfast or had money for lunch while everyone else sat there and ate. We were poor. And when I say poor, I mean the pits of poor.

I could have let it destroy me and define me (which in some part it has, unfortunately), or I can grow from it, learn, educate and blossom out into my own self and distance myself from that negative aura that my childhood haunts. Even when I look at photos of my old neighborhood, it makes my stomach turn. Truthfully, makes me overwhelmed with emotion.

No one gets it. No not even my parents. The only person that gets it is my husband. Because he was my best friend since the beginning. He was my neighbor. We were both poor. He saw it all. He saw me at my worst. He saw my family at it’s worst. He saw what I COULD have been in this life. He experienced it all with me.

Bobby and I aren’t perfect. But we’re perfect for each other. And he and I have a bond most people don’t. And I don’t boast on that, I just thank God that I have that ONE person who really, truly knows why I am the way I am, who I really am, and loves me truly and deeply because of it and more.

I always, always, always ever just want to love you. Yes, YOU! I want to be the friend you need. I can mold myself into the many shapes and dimensions that a person needs as a friend. Because so often in my life, I’ve felt alone.

I’m not asking you to be my best friend. But I’m asking you to count on me.

I lost my best friend in my junior year of high school and never met a soul remotely close to that until college. But with her living and building her life in Jersey, and me creating mine in Houston, I always seek to surround myself with people who will allow me to lift them up while not necessarily lifting ME up. And that’s always been my fault. It’s time to find more people who lift me up emotionally.

I love deep and hard. I’m loyal and dependable. I’m emotional and strong. But I’m weak. Most don’t even know the demons I’ve fought within (I’ll say it again). But I’ve overcome them-and that is an accomplishment that I’m pretty proud of.

Lately, I’ve realized, (because constructive criticism is the best) that I’m “too much”. I need to back off. Back off of social media. Stop trying to prove my worth to people. Mainly, just stop trying to get my family to love me.

Stop trying to get my family to love me. Stop. There’s was/is a method for the madness…

It’s a road that’s taken many routes. I’ve fallen off and I’ve driven that car never missing a turn. But lately (lately as in the past several years), I’ve fought long and hard to be expressive to the point of truthfully and honestly just being accepted. But I’ve found I can be loved without being so caustic.

You know I’m real on here.

You know I have no filter on here or if you and I engage in deep conversation.

But now is the time that I’ve realized (with so many friends that tell me truthfully how it is and they see it), that enough is enough.

People don’t have to be BLOOD to love you.

They don’t have to be BLOOD to care about you.

Sadly, I’ve learned that jealousy within my family is a killer. It kills/killed our family. All of them. Each of them.

I did something with my life and it really, sadly, disappoints them.

To live so far away and to have those single few, (just a handful left), who truly love me and my girls, mean more then anyone of you other family members (family reading this) can imagine. And sometimes there’s competition there. And I don’t like to look at it that way. Because I’m far away. And if any family wants to love me, reach out to me, gift me and my girls silly things-please be happy that we’re being thought of. That we are loved. Because being alone sucks. Being “un-thought of” sucks. And we don’t have many of those back “home” that think about our little family here in Houston.

I need peace.

And I’m realizing my peace is being disrupted with social media.

And I find that my family dynamics and my adjustment to fit in here, has destroyed who I really am on a emotional level. I sadly, have fallen into the social media he said she said battle of battles. And it’s draining.

If you know me on a personal level then you know the real me.

Social media me is not me. I’m sorry to say it. It’s like that for so many.

For so long I kept Facebook for the sake of family in Michigan to keep up with us here in Houston, Tampa, Houston. I kept it so that they can watch our girls grow. To feel like they are a part of our lives.

But why?

I’m giving them what they want.

What about what I want?

What if I don’t want to post or be honest?

What if I don’t want to let everyone back in my heart?

I am loved here even though those family members believe that I’m “unloveable”.

Why am I trying so hard to make a point on social media?

Why should I care?

Soul searching is key.

And I’ve realized and I’m determined that my life should no longer be an open book of “oh, Stacy! Yes, I’ve read all about her.”

BUT YOU HAVEN’T. That’s the issue. You don’t know me at all.

You have no idea what I’ve been through. Or why I am who I am.

The entire point of this post is to say that I’m educated, I care about this world that is turning to crap that I fear my children will grow up in. I’m tired of trying to make people see that they should put one foot forward and step into our lives. I’m tired of being bluntly honest to the point of losing good people in my life because they are scared of who I may be.

Sadly, my past has defined my recent life. Something I never wanted it to do. Something I swore I wouldn’t allow.

My children come first. Then my husband. Everything else can take a place in line. Because whether you’re family or not, you don’t really know me. You have no idea the internal battles I fight. Or the demons I constantly push. And if I try to explain or confide in you, it’s only a few words that need to be said (in your RESPONSE) that make me realize I’m not being heard, you don’t care and what you have to say is much bigger and more important. When in those exact moments, I’m screaming inside for your help.

As I’m getting older, I’m realizing that people don’t change. And family won’t love you anymore then they already do. No matter what you say or do. Or how many children you have.

My point?

You’re going see less of me of social media.

You’ll see less posts, less rants (fueled by my past childhood, sadly that’s the Hubel in me).

You’ll see less of the honest me as I try to become more patient and kind to myself.

Some things are better left unsaid.

I have a wonderful husband who comes from the same home environment as I do. He will be my go to for all things emotional and conversational.

You’ll see less photos of my girls. Why? Because if you can’t be a part of their lives now, or make an effort to call them, FaceTime them or ask me questions about them, why do you deserve to see them grow? And why should I exploit them on social media for your enjoyment?

As I learn, I grow. And as I grow older, I learn.

I meet new people and they tell me how I’m perceived.

I want that changed.

Because I’m probably not who you think I am, based upon my social media outbursts or rants about my illegitimate family.

At (almost) 35-years-old, it’s time to live my life, take pictures for my safe keeping (but don’t boast to the world-save them for my girls to see), and trust that those people out there that have formed an opinion of me solely on my social media activity, really don’t know a thing.

I picked a career that I did for a reason. To help people. No, it wasn’t for the money. Because it makes me feel full inside. I choose to give and be generous because it fills an empty space in my heart that’s been empty since I was a child.

So if you know who I am and love me for me, thank you.

But if you know me, and back away because of my social media exploitation’s, please try to understand my point here. And know I am a loving, honest, trustworthy, a damn good friend and I will bend over backwards for you.

One step at a time.

Life is always a lesson of learning…

And that step is backing away from social media.

I’m tired of trying to show my family that I AM loved here. I have people that really do care. Care more then some of my own family. Do things that even I know in my heart my family wouldn’t do for me. I’m grateful. Truly, truly grateful.

Because I am loved. By so many wonderful people here.

I don’t need to prove to anyone my worth anymore.

I’ll change this world by being a better mother, nurse, wife and friend.

If I can raise these girls into a better person then I am myself, then my life will be considered complete.

And you can take the time to know the REAL me, do so. I am not Facebook. I am not Instagram. I am Stacy.

You decide.

Besides, my husband hates social media. He’s never been a part of it and never will. And so often asks me to not be on it anymore as well. His birthday is May 13th, so Happy Birthday babe. I’m breaking up with social media.

Don’t worry friends, near and far-I’m still on there. I’m just not going to post anything anymore.

If you want to know how I am, call me. If you want to see my kids, call me. If you want a playdate, text me or just come over anytime. My door is always open for you.

It ends here.

And even on this blog. I’ll post. I’ll write. But it will be private. No longer for the world to see.

__________________________________________________

Every morning, my husband will text me Good Morning.

And after I had wrote this post, he ironically send me this link after saying Good Morning:

How Text Messages Change From Dating to Marriage

After reading this article, I then sent him this:

“Ironic that you sent that. We are so in tune with one another. Sometimes so that we don’t even know it. I haven’t finished it yet, but I have a blog post about something similar. Social media has taken over me and our lives in a way I no longer am comfortable with. Stay tuned and I’ll forward you the link to my post when I’m “finished”. Finished is the key word. 😘 I love you and hope you’re having a good day. We miss you home.”

A Reflection of ANGER of My First Born Turning 4 This Month

FOUR. FOUR! Four years of wasted time. All because of your ego. Four years of never knowing this amazing little girl. She has no recollection of you. When she pulled out a picture of you I had hidden, she pointed to your face and said “who is this mommy? Is that Uncle William?”

I didn’t lie to my innocent daughter. All I simply said was: “that’s mommy’s daddy and he doesn’t talk to mommy anymore. One day, I will tell you all about him okay. When you’re older and you can understand.” Then her sweet little voice replies: “Okay mommy” (as she puts the picture back where she found it and shuts the drawer.)

See…that’s all you are. A picture. Not even a memory for her. Which makes me happy and sad. Sad because I know she’ll never have a Grandpa. Happy because I would never want her heart broken as much as mine was.

Over the last few months, I’ve really accepted “this”. It was harder for me, I think, in the beginning, compared to how easy it was for you. You were always really good at throwing people to the curb. Friends, family, co-workers, girlfriends, wives…children…now grandchildren.

But it took me some time. My heart wasn’t ready to let it go just yet, despite how much you’ve crushed it, over and over and over again.

I can confidently say that I am at peace. The peace you are at when someone dies.

Yet as you get older, you will realize you will need someone. And that someone will be me, your daughter. Yes, you have other children, but as a parent of two girls who are very different, there’s always that one who has the care-taking heart. The one that is forgiving of all things hurtful. The one that will step up to the plate when all the other children run away from the responsibility of taking care of their dying parent. Wasn’t I always that child?

I was.

I was there in moments of your life when you thought you weren’t going to make it through. I was there in the darkest moments of your life when you almost put a gun to your head. It may be hard for you to remember now, as it’s clouded with such hate and envy. But I was the one that stood by you, hugged you and loved you for who you were. Daughters do that. I did that. Even when I knew you were wrong. Even when you were never there for me emotionally, like a daughter needed.

But because your daughter had a voice, every meaning of family (in the real world) meant absolutely nothing to you.

And as I watch my beautiful daughter blossom into this bright, gorgeous little girl, my soul is on fire. She is a true wonder to watch. And I am proud to be her mother. And I am proud to say “I did that” when people tell me how wonderful she is. She teaches me all about REAL, true love. And makes me wonder how you could possibly hate YOUR own daughter (me). Because no matter how pressing things get. No matter how much her little sassy attitude is changing, developing, learning and growing, I cannot even imagine ever throwing her out of my life. No, not even when she’s a teenager and she tells me she hates me and slams her bedroom door. No, not even when she says that I ruined her life or embarrassed her in front of her friends. No, not even when she disrespects me. Because I only live my life for her. In this season of life, SHE (they) are the reason I wake up, get up, get dressed and do my repetitive daily routines. Dance class, PreK, reading, teaching, loving, hugging…each day adds new tasks as a parent.

Teaching.

Teaching her to sound out words. Teaching her to tell time. Teaching her to put on her own shoes (which she’s been doing for a year!). Teaching her to LOVE. Love every one. Every color, every religion, every person. Love wins! And I teach her that love has no boundaries. I teach her that we love everyone.

And that, my father, has created this massive little four-year-old full of wonder, LOVE, excitement, anticipation and innocence. She truly, truly loves life and every person she comes in contact with. She’s so full of sweetness, it’s almost painful.

She’s excited for school. Excited for her first pair of earrings. Excited to have her daddy dance to music in the living room with her. She’s excited to bake pancakes in the kitchen. She’s excited to use all of daddy’s tools with him in the garage. She’s excited to play in the dirt, dig in the flowers, watch the fireflies. She’s excited to ride her bike-all by herself! She’s got so much energy and love and excitement in this life, that it is literally my fuel to keep on going. This season of life is beautiful. God created our lives for this very feeling. Each chapter, each obstacle. He knew what he was doing.

Because no love, from any other human on this Earth, compares to the love you have for your child. None.

Josie will start PreK in the Fall. That gives me this entire summer to “let her go”. Because after that is Kindergarten, then it’s grade school…

This summer gives me a chance to make it the most memorable for her and I both. For her to remember that her mom took the time to read a book to her every single night no matter how late we stayed up, the circumstances, etc. This child NEVER forgets book time. And I created that for her.

This summer gives me a chance to hold my baby just a little bit longer, harder and stronger so I can let her go into this awful, sick and twisted world we live in independently as she so strongly is.

This summer lets me teach her more and more and more about the love that she will need to get through this life.

Josie is the best decision I’ve ever created. She motivates me in my career. She motivates me to love my husband harder and stronger then ever before (you’ll never know the strength our marriage has) simply by watching the love he has for her makes my heart explode. She sees how daddy loves mommy. And she sees how mommy loves daddy. And that fills her heart. Nothing…and I mean nothing is as special as the bond he shares with his girls.

And one day, Josie will read this blog…

And Josie: I’m so sorry sweetheart, but your Grandpa just didn’t have “enough” love. He could only love one person. And that was the person that could love him and give him what he needed-himself. He didn’t have enough love to love you, or me or anyone else.

Social media is good in a sense it allows me to keep all things said and done. Pictures, texts, emails, messages and voicemails. I have them in safe keeping. In the cloud, they say. For if I have to fall back on them, and I will…they are there.

Because in emotional days like today, when your 3-year-old turns 4, you hope and wish more for HER. And that’s it. The few family members she knows she can only count on one hand. All others are toxic and non-existent. Or never make an attempt to see her. Technology makes it really easy now-a-days. We made the decision to restrict those from being in her life simply because we knew that walking out of her life would be just as easy. And we won’t allow anyone to break  her heart like that. And if you break her heart, then you’ll have to deal with me and her dad. And that…would not be pretty.

Life is short.

Too short.

Time is so precious. It really, really is.

You will need me again one day.

And until you do…

Enjoy the things in life that bring you TRUE joy. Whatever they may be.

But the love of these beautiful girls, watching them grow and explode in knowledge…that is PURE happiness and the true meaning of life. My life. I am complete. I am content.

This season of life is beautiful. And it’s unfortunate you refuse to be a part of all it’s beauty.

Don’t worry friends-We totally celebrated Josie’s birthday wonderfully and that will be a post to follow. Cannot wait to share with you all what we did for her. One memorable day for our Princess, that’s for sure!

The Best Christmas Ever!

Christmas 2017…Best Christmas Ever!

My family came for Christmas this year. Bobby was offshore but the girls are too young to know the difference yet. Basically, Josie & Juliette had two Christmas celebrations, so one can’t complain, right? We had the best time! Or at least I know we did. It was so nice to have the company. We went to downtown Hard Rock Cafe one of the days, because my mom and uncle were really untested in getting some Houston apparel as a keepsake. And I even was able to get a Christmas Ornament for our tree to remember the time they came to see us. It was fun! We also visited Old Town Spring, which is close to our home. It’s a quiet place where there are small shops all up and down several streets. It’s super cute and old/vintage. A perfect event if you need something fun to do. We bought shirts, drank sangria and walked around checking out all the boutiques. I’d love to go back again since we weren’t able to visit all places because nap time comes quick!

I can’t thank them enough for giving us those memories. They’ll never understand how much it meant to me that they took time away from their family to spend Christmas with us in Texas so we wouldn’t have to be alone. It was the best. The company, the laughs, the memories, the dinners! I really, really enjoyed it so much. If you’re reading this-I love you guys so much.

After family left, it snowed in HOUSTON! It was incredible, ya’ll! I grew up in Michigan, so snow is not new to me. Yet, my children haven’t seen snow. I had to wake Josie up early in the morning and show her the snow. She touched it, played in it and every day for several weeks just kept asking “where did the snow go, mama?” We even found a local neighbor who made a snowman and we drove over to his section of the neighborhood just so she could see a real snowman! So much fun!

Of course we made a ton of Christmas crafts throughout the season and even made some new ornaments for the tree. A very talented neighbor made the girls unicorn ornaments with their names on it. Y’all know I’m all about ornaments with memories behind them. They are so precious!

For the first time in over a year, I was able to get out of the house for a few hours with my mom friends. Thanks for my Aunt Cindy who came and hung out while the girls slept, I carpooled to The Woodlands for an ornament exchange dinner with my friends. It was so much fun and so nice seeing everyone without kids. And actually being able to hold a conversation.

This Christmas it was very important to me to bless others because that is what I love to do. Anyone that knows me, knows I love to give. This year I made those that reached out to me, visited us, took the time to gather a care package for us, all while Juliette spent two weeks in Children’s hospital during Halloween. If you showed love, I just wanted you to know how much you were appreciated and how deep my gratitude goes. Not just with a gift, but in my heart! I will never forget that. I love you all for being so graceful and helpful and so sweet to us. Knowing that I have those people in my life willing to always step up, makes this life so much easier. I have the BEST neighbors and friends and group of people I can really depend on. I really hope ya’ll enjoyed your homemade gifts.

Bobby came home and we celebrated. Of course, just like every year (when we say we won’t), we spoiled the heck our of each other. Especially the girls. Maybe next year we can find someone to put us on a budget or do the shopping for us so we don’t get out of hand as usual.

In memory of my Grandma. I love you Grandma. Merry Christmas in Heaven.

 

I got my Apple Watch!

And Daddy bought Josie her first piano with piano lessons to come…it sounds so beautiful. Reminds me of my childhood with my Grandpa.

 

  

I discovered Matilda Jane Clothing this winter. And I guess you can say that we’ve got sort of an obsession. I love these clothes ya’ll! They are high quality and super buttery soft. I have a few things for me, but for the most part, I filled my girls closets with the love of Matilda Jane. Thanks to my trunk keeper (and recent friend), she’s helped me find the perfect pieces to fit both of them. If you’re interested in the cute, precious clothing that my girls are wearing check out Jennifers MJ Trunk VIP page here: Jennifer’s Matilda Jane Independent Trunk Keeper #3327. She’s so super sweet and has a TON and I mean a TON of giveaways all the time. She is one that loves to bless others. Merry Texas Christmas Ya’ll!