I’m Not Gone…

I’m still here.

Despite what I said in previous post(s), I will continue to post and write. My mind is full of unsaid words. This is my safe haven. Where thoughts and memories are shared and where I elsewhere, don’t feel safe sharing.

Today, I feel lost. Scared. Empty. Lonely. I feel hope is gone. Today, I’m searching for an answer. THE answer. I just don’t know where to find it anymore…

Today, I’m asking for prayers for a very difficult situation I’m fighting within and personally.

My heart has never hurt as bad as it does in this moment.

All I ask is that you pray for me…

I Will Remember You

June 23, 1932 – A Beautiful Life Was Born (Click here to read my post a year ago)

 

Dear Gram: I can’t stop thinking about you. I talk to you. I hope you hear me. I hope you remember me saving your life that time when you were in the hospital. You taught me how to cook and clean and how to take care of my husband and family. I think about you in everything I do. The way I clean, the way I cook and the way I celebrate holidays with my children. You gave me memories that can never be taken from me. You are an inspiration and a role model. Easter was very near and dear to my heart because of you. You made every holiday special. You always thought about everyone else. You were so strong to leave your family behind to start a new one in USA. You were the BEST Grandma a little girl could ask for. Thank you for the memories and the ongoing traditions I will pass to my daughters. I promise to tell them about you. I miss you so much some days it hurts. I miss you when I make hot dog soup or turkey for Thanksgiving. Or when I see deer and think “turn around, it’s the law!”. Thank you so much for loving me and for being the parent I never had growing up. May you be in peace and pain free. I can’t wait to see you again one day. I love you Gram. I know in my heart that you know that. (Stacy Sock, Spring, Texas, 2017)

There are many legends around the magic and spiritual meaning of the hummingbird.

It is often said that hummingbirds have a way of joyfully floating through the air outside of time.

In Native American cultures, hummingbirds have long been portrayed as healers, light bringers, and helpers from Spirit who carry luck, joy, and love to those they encounter.

One thing is certain… Hummingbirds definitely have a way of opening our hearts and eyes to the wonders of the world.

Hummingbirds are among smallest of all birds. They’re incredible aerobatic and can fly up, down, backward, they can change direction in an instant and effortlessly shift from full speed to practically standing still in the blink of an eye. This is in part because of how light-weight they are, with some hummingbirds weighing no more than a penny!

This reminds us of the power of adaptability… Being willing to step back, observe, look at things from a new perspective, and then quickly shift into action as needed.

Their physical lightness is also a beautiful reminder for us too to lighten up! If we let ourselves release the weight of doubt, fear, and worry… Like the hummingbird, our spirits can begin to hover and soar as we follow our path of joy.

Hummingbirds are the only bird that has the ability to hover for long periods of time.

The way that hummingbird hovers is very symbolic in and of itself — because they move their wings in a figure eight pattern — a symbol for infinity!

In this, the hummingbird has a special way of teaching us to move beyond time, to heal what has happened in the past, and to fully center our presence and awareness in the moment that is now.

Another incredibly symbolic characteristic of the hummingbird is that they drink the nectar of flowers.

As a result, they’re always searching for the sweetness of life and teaching us to do the same through their example.

With their long narrow beaks and even longer tongues, hummingbirds can get past the tough bitter exteriors of plants to fully dive into the sweetness within.

The nectar of life is, of course, one of the ultimate symbols for joy… Hummingbirds represent just that —living a life filled with joy, light, and sweetness — as they hover from flower to flower they’re fully present in the moment, completely following the path of joy.

If you’ve ever heard the soft hum of a hummingbird’s wings, you’ll notice that it too is quite distinct. This hum is said to carry healing light and magical energy, which hummingbirds have a way of bringing to us on a number of levels.

Hummingbirds Carrying Messages from the Angels

In addition to the beautiful guidance we can receive directly from hummingbirds by looking at their symbolic meaning, or tuning into their healing light and presence of love…

Quite often our Angels and loved ones in Spirit choose hummingbirds to relay their messages.

They may guide hummingbirds to hum by to validate their spiritual presence and to send us signs and reminders to follow our joy, stand in the light, and stay present in the moment.

Your loved ones in Heaven may choose a hummingbird to enter your space as a validation and assurance that they are well and their soul lives on.

So if you keep seeing hummingbirds humming by…

Pay attention!

What does seeing the hummingbird mean to you?

Take a moment to quiet your mind, open your heart and look within to tune into the sweet wisdom, and incredible gifts of light and presence hummingbirds bring.

They have much to teach us… And have a way of coming into the lives of those who are in need of, or just simply ready for their joy and light.

If you feel hummingbird represents something else not mentioned… You’re right!  Let your own heart and intuition reveal exactly what it is the sweet little hummingbird has to offer you in this very moment.

The only item that I own that my Grandma gave me is a teeny tiny pair or scissors. I look at them every morning in my vanity drawer. I wish I had something more. Something. Something a little bit more meaningful. Nothing pricy or expensive. I just wish I had a little piece of you to show my children. I wish I could smell your house just one more time. Make bean dip just one more time. Laugh until we were crying over the fire pit just one more time. Just one more time…just one.more.time. I miss you every day of this life I’m living and I wish I could tell you all about your beautiful great granddaughters. They are phenomenal. I love you Gram.

My sister and I made these sun catchers in this photo, many, many years ago. This would be something that would mean the world to me to have. Or her glass she’d always have next to her for her water. Or the deer decorations by the fireplace, or the log with the seagulls that we found when we were kids in the lake and she made it a piece of treasure forever.

Gram-There are so many details now that I have children that I wish I could look at in your home. I see a lot of what I do is from being a part of you and being raised by you. I wish I could just come over and sit on the couch and watch the latest funniest thing ya’ll recorded as the TV is too loud and we laugh until our stomachs hurt. I wish we could play dominos one last time with those push pin pennies you made or rounds and rounds of Poker. I wish we could run down the airport and sing that German song just one more time. I wish we could sit around the fireplace and sing “Frog in a Log” one more time. I wish we could pop in old VHS tapes and watch all the old Christmas’ in Garden City on the TV and talk about the normal day to day stuff and just how much has changed. I wish we could sit on the porch and vent, chat and drink coffee, while we paint our nails.

…I wish I never left you that summer. There. I said it. I wish I never left you in that hospital. Although my heart knew you’d be okay. I just wish I never left you. I wish I got to say goodbye during your final days. I wish I got to hug you. No one will ever know the pain that comes with that. And that may make some happy that I feel that pain and some may not. And I hope you never stop talking to me. Because I enjoy you. Please talk to me soon, I miss you.

Prost! Prost!  Until we meet again…

Here are some oldies but goodies to make anyone laugh and smile even IF you don’t talk to our little family anymore. My love runs deep and never runs out. No matter the ruthless, hurtful and painful words/actions. Blood is thick and love is love.

The Reason for the Season…

When I lived back in Michigan (home), all through Christmas my dad would complain to me about how much money he spent and how broke he was and then come Christmas expect me to gracefully accept a $100 check without feeling incredibly guilty as his daughter. I never wanted him to be broke! He always claimed he was so miserably broke. Christmas is about children and celebrating the reason for the season: God and family memories. It’s not about gifts. We were all already given the gift: LIFE! And I’ve always said that even in my younger years. I’ve often reminded him the same. Yet, the message my grandpa emailed me a few months ago still lingers in my mind. Again, the guilt they both instill in my mind. To them, I’m still a child, their child…

And apparently to them, I should have never showed up to Christmas at their house without a gift to give in hand because “they deserved it because they did so ‘much for me'”. —truly sad way to think this time of the year.

You should never do that to your child. You should never make them feel like they need to come into your home during a holiday with gifts in hand, even if it’s just a cheap scarf from Walmart. That type of guilt is just ugly and God knows this is not the way it’s supposed to be. This is not the reason for the season.

Especially as college students, swimming in debt (that they never, ever helped put us through as parents-by the way), you’d think they’d “get it” and have some sort of understanding. My mom did-she always understood. My dad? Never. And it’s apparent now that my grandparents felt the same, or at least my grandpa did. I can’t speak for grandma since she is no longer with us anymore.

Even now as we are older, with jobs and bills, we still have debt. Student loans, especially. We provide and live for our children because we will always have bills. We will always owe someone money. There will always be a payment to be made. But as if this is anyone’s business, really. It’s just madness on my mind, I call it. Crap that shouldn’t have to be explained but always feels better to get it out. In Texas you can get a big house for a good cost. It’s different here.

And as a side note: I never asked for a big house, fancy cars or designer purses. I’m pretty simple and basic. Born and raised in a trailer park, has made me (as an older adult) appreciate the things I have and I take care of them. I cannot tell you the last time I bought myself a pair of shoes. My winter boots are falling apart at the seams; yet, I still buy for my children. Because the sacrifice I made when I had them was that they come first. In ALL circumstances. I buy my clothes from Target. I despise the mall. And I always go straight to the clearance racks. My tight ass dad taught me that (that’s a good thing, though!). I don’t ask for or wear fancy jewelry. I don’t ask for the best of the best vehicle to drive. I don’t drive a Lexus, Cadillac, or BMW. I drive a Toyota mom van (basic version-which I love) that I begged to trade in my fully loaded Honda Pilot (leather, sunroof, GPS, DVD/Bluray, Towing package, etc) for. I don’t get manicures, and if I do it’s a rare occasion (a holiday is coming up and we’re taking family photos). I get pedicures now only because I don’t have the time to sit and do them myself anymore with two kiddos in tow. Which I’ve always, always preferred to do them myself-anyone that knows me can tell you that. My nail polish collection is insane (haha). There’s no “me time” anymore unless you want to count grocery shopping at the 3 to 4 different stores I have to go to in order to get all the food our allergy sufferers in this household require. That, my friends, is what costs us a pretty penny. The food that goes on the table…

I buy for my kids.

And maybe I go overboard? Maybe we go overboard? Maybe I need to step back and allow them to realize the true value of having something nice. Maybe I need to start them young? I’ve done a lot of thinking lately.

As a child growing up in a trailer park, attending high school in a low income community, I mostly borrowed and wore friends clothes who’s parent would buy them brand names from the mall.

One Christmas before I got my driver license, I remember my mom being able to buy us clothes (a lot) from American Eagle. I finally got my blue puffer jacket that I’ve been begging for for that winter season, some jeans and a ton of shirts. It literally felt like Christmas. I took care of each and every single one of them.

Anyway, my point is that Christmas is about celebrating why we have Christmas. Some people don’t even know what we’re celebrating. Can you look around at your beautiful lit tree and the presents under your tree and the lights on the houses outside and ask yourself “why are we celebrating this holiday?” “what makes it so important?” “what is the true meaning of Christmas?”

It is our duty to continue the real reason Christmas is celebrated. And it is our duty to explain this to our children.

It is not our duty to guilt people into spending money they don’t have or going into debt because gift giving has taken over our society as a norm. It’s truly sad. I mean, even Thanksgiving is ruined each year because shopping suddenly became more important then spending it with family.

I hope ya’ll have a very Merry Christmas this year and I hope that you get to spend it with amazing family members that deserve your presence. I know that God has blessed me this year with the opportunity for my family to come visit us the season. To celebrate what Christmas is all about: family.

What this beautiful video for the REAL reason for the season: