A Reflection of ANGER of My First Born Turning 4 This Month

FOUR. FOUR! Four years of wasted time. All because of your ego. Four years of never knowing this amazing little girl. She has no recollection of you. When she pulled out a picture of you I had hidden, she pointed to your face and said “who is this mommy? Is that Uncle William?”

I didn’t lie to my innocent daughter. All I simply said was: “that’s mommy’s daddy and he doesn’t talk to mommy anymore. One day, I will tell you all about him okay. When you’re older and you can understand.” Then her sweet little voice replies: “Okay mommy” (as she puts the picture back where she found it and shuts the drawer.)

See…that’s all you are. A picture. Not even a memory for her. Which makes me happy and sad. Sad because I know she’ll never have a Grandpa. Happy because I would never want her heart broken as much as mine was.

Over the last few months, I’ve really accepted “this”. It was harder for me, I think, in the beginning, compared to how easy it was for you. You were always really good at throwing people to the curb. Friends, family, co-workers, girlfriends, wives…children…now grandchildren.

But it took me some time. My heart wasn’t ready to let it go just yet, despite how much you’ve crushed it, over and over and over again.

I can confidently say that I am at peace. The peace you are at when someone dies.

Yet as you get older, you will realize you will need someone. And that someone will be me, your daughter. Yes, you have other children, but as a parent of two girls who are very different, there’s always that one who has the care-taking heart. The one that is forgiving of all things hurtful. The one that will step up to the plate when all the other children run away from the responsibility of taking care of their dying parent. Wasn’t I always that child?

I was.

I was there in moments of your life when you thought you weren’t going to make it through. I was there in the darkest moments of your life when you almost put a gun to your head. It may be hard for you to remember now, as it’s clouded with such hate and envy. But I was the one that stood by you, hugged you and loved you for who you were. Daughters do that. I did that. Even when I knew you were wrong. Even when you were never there for me emotionally, like a daughter needed.

But because your daughter had a voice, every meaning of family (in the real world) meant absolutely nothing to you.

And as I watch my beautiful daughter blossom into this bright, gorgeous little girl, my soul is on fire. She is a true wonder to watch. And I am proud to be her mother. And I am proud to say “I did that” when people tell me how wonderful she is. She teaches me all about REAL, true love. And makes me wonder how you could possibly hate YOUR own daughter (me). Because no matter how pressing things get. No matter how much her little sassy attitude is changing, developing, learning and growing, I cannot even imagine ever throwing her out of my life. No, not even when she’s a teenager and she tells me she hates me and slams her bedroom door. No, not even when she says that I ruined her life or embarrassed her in front of her friends. No, not even when she disrespects me. Because I only live my life for her. In this season of life, SHE (they) are the reason I wake up, get up, get dressed and do my repetitive daily routines. Dance class, PreK, reading, teaching, loving, hugging…each day adds new tasks as a parent.

Teaching.

Teaching her to sound out words. Teaching her to tell time. Teaching her to put on her own shoes (which she’s been doing for a year!). Teaching her to LOVE. Love every one. Every color, every religion, every person. Love wins! And I teach her that love has no boundaries. I teach her that we love everyone.

And that, my father, has created this massive little four-year-old full of wonder, LOVE, excitement, anticipation and innocence. She truly, truly loves life and every person she comes in contact with. She’s so full of sweetness, it’s almost painful.

She’s excited for school. Excited for her first pair of earrings. Excited to have her daddy dance to music in the living room with her. She’s excited to bake pancakes in the kitchen. She’s excited to use all of daddy’s tools with him in the garage. She’s excited to play in the dirt, dig in the flowers, watch the fireflies. She’s excited to ride her bike-all by herself! She’s got so much energy and love and excitement in this life, that it is literally my fuel to keep on going. This season of life is beautiful. God created our lives for this very feeling. Each chapter, each obstacle. He knew what he was doing.

Because no love, from any other human on this Earth, compares to the love you have for your child. None.

Josie will start PreK in the Fall. That gives me this entire summer to “let her go”. Because after that is Kindergarten, then it’s grade school…

This summer gives me a chance to make it the most memorable for her and I both. For her to remember that her mom took the time to read a book to her every single night no matter how late we stayed up, the circumstances, etc. This child NEVER forgets book time. And I created that for her.

This summer gives me a chance to hold my baby just a little bit longer, harder and stronger so I can let her go into this awful, sick and twisted world we live in independently as she so strongly is.

This summer lets me teach her more and more and more about the love that she will need to get through this life.

Josie is the best decision I’ve ever created. She motivates me in my career. She motivates me to love my husband harder and stronger then ever before (you’ll never know the strength our marriage has) simply by watching the love he has for her makes my heart explode. She sees how daddy loves mommy. And she sees how mommy loves daddy. And that fills her heart. Nothing…and I mean nothing is as special as the bond he shares with his girls.

And one day, Josie will read this blog…

And Josie: I’m so sorry sweetheart, but your Grandpa just didn’t have “enough” love. He could only love one person. And that was the person that could love him and give him what he needed-himself. He didn’t have enough love to love you, or me or anyone else.

Social media is good in a sense it allows me to keep all things said and done. Pictures, texts, emails, messages and voicemails. I have them in safe keeping. In the cloud, they say. For if I have to fall back on them, and I will…they are there.

Because in emotional days like today, when your 3-year-old turns 4, you hope and wish more for HER. And that’s it. The few family members she knows she can only count on one hand. All others are toxic and non-existent. Or never make an attempt to see her. Technology makes it really easy now-a-days. We made the decision to restrict those from being in her life simply because we knew that walking out of her life would be just as easy. And we won’t allow anyone to break  her heart like that. And if you break her heart, then you’ll have to deal with me and her dad. And that…would not be pretty.

Life is short.

Too short.

Time is so precious. It really, really is.

You will need me again one day.

And until you do…

Enjoy the things in life that bring you TRUE joy. Whatever they may be.

But the love of these beautiful girls, watching them grow and explode in knowledge…that is PURE happiness and the true meaning of life. My life. I am complete. I am content.

This season of life is beautiful. And it’s unfortunate you refuse to be a part of all it’s beauty.

Don’t worry friends-We totally celebrated Josie’s birthday wonderfully and that will be a post to follow. Cannot wait to share with you all what we did for her. One memorable day for our Princess, that’s for sure!

Julo – AKA: Juliette

Every new milestone, I just can’t grasp. I feel like you should or will be little forever. I’m not used to having this “normal” baby/infant/toddler grow and change without putting in so much effort. I’m not used to a baby just eating anything and everything I give her. I’m not used to her pushing her bottles away and wanting a cup. I’m not used to you going to sleep without a bottle…and never, ever being rocked to sleep.

Juliette, you’re 15 months-old-now and you’ve been pushing away your bottles since before you were in the hospital with pneumonia (since before you were 12-months-old). You’ve been ready. I haven’t. And you’ve never required us to rock you to sleep. You’ve been a self-soother since birth. How?

Since I stopped breastfeeding with you at 3-months-old due to horrible postpartum depression, I had to come to terms with the guilt of formula. But you are thriving! THRIVING! You eat, eat, eat and I love it. I love how I can grab anything and everything at the grocery store and I don’t have to worry about you breaking out into hives.

Josie was on toddler formula with a bottle until much after 2-years-old. She was so hard. She couldn’t eat anything (allergic and hated food, period), she didn’t eat anything (so so so so picky!) and it’s always been a struggle with her to this day. Most of my day with her is spent saying “take a bite!” “eat your food!” “hurry up!” It was a much different and harder world with her. She was this incredibly smart and happy (always happy) baby, but she was difficult when it came to her the nutrition she needs.

You make having a baby seem easy. I thank God for that. I feared another allergy child. I know we aren’t in the “clear” yet. But the majority of allergens, you’ve managed to prove to me that you are not allergic.

I don’t want to forget so much about you, sweet Julo!

I love how you curl up into our necks and hug us tight. You’re very affectionate and I love that. I love how you reach up and point to me and whine like you want me to hold you.

When I say milk, you know what it is.

When I say water, you frankly search for it and if it’s not in sight you do this “ugh ugh ugh!” until someone grabs it for you.

When I put you to bed a month ago (and nap earlier in the day) and you just laid down without a fuss and no bottle that time, (as I tried and tried to get you to take but your little hands always push it away and you shake your head no-it’s adorable), I quietly walked out your door while you shoved your face into your blankets (which you LOVE) and stood outside your door. A small part of me was sad. Oh my baby!

You are growing up.

You’re not a “baby” anymore…

You’re a toddler that just wants to walk but your sister won’t allow it.

You’ve taken a few steps but your sister has so much jealously it’s hard to compete.

The amount of sass your sister has is almost exhausting.

Night time rocking was my favorite things to do with your sister. She had to be rocked to sleep, with a full 12 ounce bottle, every single night until she fell fast asleep in my arms and I’d quietly walk her over to the crib, (which is now your crib). I love to watch her sleep and play with her blankets like you now do. I loved to watch her peacefully and know she was safe in our arms and drift away to sleep.

You’re so different.

You, just like Josie, have always been a great sleeper (12 hours+). You have never woken up to be fed or changed in the middle of the night like most babies. Josie would wake up in the middle of the night and poop. You have never, ever done that. I thought Josie was easy. But you make this look so much easier. If it wasn’t so hard handling you two while you’re both together, I’d probably be pregnant or trying to get pregnant again with another.

Josie never gave love and affection as a baby. She never cuddled her head up into my neck or wrapped her legs tight around my waist…

You do. This is something special to me. Especially when you do it and say “awww”.

I can’t imagine having anymore babies right now because most days are crazy and exhausting.  But these are the best of days. My favorite days with Josie (at this age) and my favorite days with you. It is just so much fun watching you grow and change.

It’s been hard to get you walking, with your sister always right there knocking you down, playing and jumping, laughing and intervening. We try to explain that we’re trying to get you to walk but she just doesn’t get it. She will continue to push you down and play. And you both laugh and I stand there thinking “Juliette is never going to walk”.

You started pulling up on furniture right after the hospital. I was worried you’d be delayed. It’s so hard not to compare you both but both of you are completely normal but are doing each different thing earlier or later then the other and at your own time. You crawled much earlier but are going to walk much later. I’ve always been one to let you girls do each milestone on your own. Most pediatricians would tell me to work with tummy time, work with this, work with that, etc. That just wasn’t me. It wasn’t enjoyable to watch your baby like a fish out of water screaming bloody murder while you torture them on their bellies. You’ll do it at your own time. When you’re ready. And you did. And you started crawling (so dang fast!), then pulling up, then standing up from sitting all on your own! In just a day! You’ve managed to stand all on your own! And you know you’re doing it and you are so proud of yourself. You stand for a good 3-5 seconds before you plop back down. I know, sweet girl, it’s a matter of time before you take those steps and you’re all over this house. The best part…you started standing for the very first time while we were FaceTiming daddy…so he got to see it for the first time with me.

So forgive me for being a little sad about these moments. I miss the newborn baby days.

You and your sister both love each other so much, but fight just like sisters. Most days I’m utterly exhausted from the screaming, fighting, stealing of toys, not sharing, etc. but again, there’s SO much love between you two. When you cry like you’re hurt, Josie is right there feeling it with you. She needs to give you a hug, a kiss and tell you that it’s okay (even though you can’t quite understand yet). And when she’s just a little bit too rough and knocks you down and you bump your head (another loud excruciating scream), she quickly feels bad (you can see it in her actions and her emotions and her eyes) and says “I’m sorry. I’m sorry baby sister.” She’s a sweetheart and such a handful. There is just so much love in this house.

I dreamed of you when Josie was your age. Because I wanted you two to have each other to play with. I wanted you two to have that bond only sisters can have.

Juliette, you’re growing too fast. My heart cannot handle all these changes lately. Please just cuddle up into my arms just a little while longer. I will cherish that, but once you even grow out of that, my heart will hurt. But I know you will also replace it with something much more abundant and loving, I know it. I’m so excited to see you grow and change. It’s so much fun!

I love you sweet, sweet, sweet Julo. You are Gods great blessing to our family and we are thankful and grateful for your strong willed, affectionate and sassy personality. You are our Rainbow Baby, after all.

 

Juliette’s First Birthday!

Happy First Birthday Juliette! I’m not even sure where to start. You are a beautiful soul that has completed our family. From your scrunched up face when you smile, to your need to have and do whatever big sister is doing, you are one independent strong little diva!

You’re starting to pull up on your own. I felt like you were days away from standing and walking until you got really, really sick and was put in the hospital. My heart is so full of emotion an exhaustion that I cannot possibly sit here and tell you all about you and your milestones and the amazing way you’ve changed our family. I will though. But not in this post. My mind is mentally and physically exhausted. But for now, I just want to share just how beautiful you are to the world. I promise when I will reflect on how much I love you my dear baby. Because I love you so so so much. And it’s been so much fun getting to know you.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BUTTERBALL!

SaveSave

SaveSave

SaveSave