In the midst of my lack of sleep, my restless legs, my runny/stuffy nose, my headache, my earache and my lonely heart missing my husband, I hear my daughter crying in her sleep. I glance over at the baby monitor in anger. I sit up in a panic and wonder why on Earth would she be crying at 1:30 am? Is her tummy upset? Does she have a toothache? Does she miss her Daddy? Is it to hot in there? Is it too cold in there? Did one of the cats meow and wake her up? Is there a light on that is making her wonder? What is it? As I sit there and listen to her cry for 30 seconds, my heart feels like it’s being ripped out of my chest. …”Just let her soothe herself back to sleep”, I try to convince myself. But when your baby is crying and you know it’s a “momma, please come hold me” cry, then you have nothing else holding you back from going in there and rescuing her little being and holding her over your shoulder. So that is exactly what I did. At that moment she stopped. And her warmth and closeness quickly changed my anger to adoration. Her head rested perfectly on my shoulder within my neck. She put her other arm around my other shoulder and hummed herself back to sleep. As her arms went limp, I knew she had fallen back asleep. It only took 5 minutes. And after I had talked myself out of my anger from being woken up while my nose was dripping like a waterfall, I glanced over at her little face just resting on my shoulder. She looked at peace and so beautiful. I cry in regret for feeling any sort of anger towards her. It’s not her fault. She’s growing. And her brain is on super drive. Her poor little mind just needed to know Mommy was there.
I will miss these moments. I know I will. How else will these moments happen if they don’t happen like this? My heart hurts from the guilt of getting so worked up. Yet I’m exhausted, sick and my body aches. I love this little girl. And all she wanted was her Mommy. Mommy’s arms. Mommy’s shoulder. Mommy’s love, rocking and swaying. It feels good to be needed. I wish there was a better way to calm myself when these moments arise. To let myself know that it’s JUST one night. It’s a few hours. It’s going to come and go. And she WILL go back to sleep. And I WILL get sleep again. She can’t stay up forever.
“Difficult behaviors come from difficult feelings. Anger, fear, anxiety, frustration, confusion, disappointment, sadness…all of these feelings are difficult for even most mature adults to process while still remaining calm, reasonable and in control. Yet we expect children to cope with all of these feelings calmly, reasonably, and with self-control, and we punish them if they fail. That is the very definition of hypocrisy.”-unknown