God’s Plan

So Josie has been talking about a little brother a lot lately. Mainly telling Bobby that a little brother will complete our “family”. She says things like “Mama, Daddy, Josie, Baby and Brother.” Bobby was taken aback from that random out-of-nowhere statement, that he sent me the clip from our camera while I was at work. My heart sank…

Do children really know before we do? …God’s plan?

Or maybe too much TV time? Too many stories about little baby brothers?

I haven’t been feeling “me” lately. To say the least, I’ve been anything but normal. My anxiety seems heightened and my patience is absolutely non-existent. It’s been a rough few days. I usually blame (which is usually the case) the fact that Bobby leaving us again, as to why we are all a little crazy a few days after. But really…it was just me. I couldn’t even stand to hear Josie speak sometimes, which is awful to say. I’d lie in bed at night after I put her to sleep and think “Something isn’t right with me. This is NOT me. What is going on?” So that next morning I did it. With everything else pointing to it, I just had to…

Since 3 miscarriages and two daughters later, I am so in tune with my body, that I know it’s signs and symptoms (of pregnancy) so soon that I just know when to test. The most crazy part? It was still 7 more days until my “projected period” was supposed to start. Insane! This happened with Juliette, too. I ovulate way soon in my cycle, literally days after my last period. Being in tune with your body takes time and work, I’ll be honest. I haven’t always been that way. I knew I was craving nasty food. Pickles, ice cream and bacon. I bought a jar of green olives and pickles at the store. I found myself waking up to go to the bathroom at least 2-3x a night (I know it will get worse) when I usually maybe go once or not at all. I am tired. But I blamed that on working a ton and jumping right back into SAHM when Bobby left. After this positive test, the insomnia kicked in that night and the night sweats and vivid, crazy, crazy dreams. I feel like I haven’t had dreams that I can actually remember in months and months! So then it made sense. There’s a baby in there…growing.

…now what?

How am I feeling? Terrified.

As I FaceTimed Bobby (of course he wasn’t home for this, again, right?) to let him know, as I was bawling my eyes out in pure terror, he grinned a little and said “babe, wasn’t that the plan?” …but…but…but…Juliette took 19 MONTHS to create and 3 miscarriages! We’ve only been “not preventing it” for two months! TWO! I told myself we’d never “try” again but if it happened, then it’s God’s will and plan. I even made jokes that Bobby better get a mistress because I can’t do another pregnancy/child. Of course, a joke and he and I would laugh and he’d tell me not to talk badly about his mistress (lol!) But dang! Two months later? A 3-year-old and a 10-month-old? Oh dear Lord! When I told him to pick a dog or a baby, I guess God decided we were more fit to be parents. I can’t help but laugh, but Bobby mentioned he still wanted both. I just can’t. Not right now…

…so another baby it is.

As his grin went away and he told me everything will be okay, I somehow didn’t feel like that was the case. I knew with him being so far and unable to provide the instant comfort I needed, I had to contact some of my closest friends to get insight. I was told everything from “this is great, exciting news.” to “you were meant to be a mom, Stacy.” to “this is God’s plan.” to “everything will be alright.” One of my neighbors (and very good friend) came over that morning. She is an amazing person. Always, always, always there when I need her. And I needed her that morning. Even after I came back from my doctors appointment to get my blood HCG drawn, she came back over and spent most of the day with me. I had another friend even come over as she read my text (“I need to talk to you, can you come over for a minute?”). She literally just rolled out of bed and came over half asleep when she should have been home packing for her vacation she was planned to leave for in a few hours. Who does that? What an amazing person she is! I am grateful and beyond blessed to have these (and so many other) ladies in my life. They tolerate my “crazy”. They are so understanding and patient. To know I have that sort of love and friendship, is reassuring. I just hope to return the favor to them one day.

Anyway…

Should I be cliche and say “Party of 5!” or “our family is growing my two feet?” I honestly don’t even know what to say today (day after that test). I’m still shocked. And totally not looking forward to all these symptoms that come along with early, first trimester pregnancy. Mainly the nausea (but never vomiting), the fatigue and the insomnia.

So here’s the kicker…

WHAT?????

…Josie’s birthday! This will be Josie’s 4th birthday! Maybe she knew when she was speaking of a brother? They say kids know. I think it’s crazy and funny! I laugh until I cry. Because that’s all I can do at this point, right? How ironic is this?

Life is so unpredictable. Two days ago I FINALLY made it out to an exercise class since not working out BEFORE I was pregnant with Josie and I love, love, loved it! SO much so that I signed up right then and there. It’s 3 days a week for an hour. It kicked my butt! The next morning (the day of my positive test), I could barely walk. Every muscle in my body hurt and I loved it! And totally missed this feeling. Knowing my muscles were strengthening. So do I stop because of fear? Or do I keep going? Do I change my plan because this happened? I was pregnant when I worked out (the other day) and didn’t know yet, so should I continue? I finally felt like I was getting my life together with two kids. I finally kicked the PPD to the curb. I finally felt like I could leave the house with both kids in tow and meet other mom’s, go to playdates and go to the pool without the help of another adult. God keeps telling my subconscious mind that I’ll find a way to make this work, too. Even one of my very best friends said: “I love you and you’ll figure this out, as usual :)”…that was so meaningful to me. Especially coming from her! In addition, she reminded me: “You were meant to be a mom. All of your babies, however many, are extremely lucky to have you.”…as if I wasn’t emotional enough, but to hear (read) one of the BEST mother’s I know tell me THIS, it put me at ease. Maybe I am doing something right? God picked me to be a mother to these babies.

I was scared to announce it to everyone. And I wasn’t planning to. I’m scared of another miscarriage. But God kept telling me to write. Because that’s what I do. And share with everyone. That more than anything I NEED the support and encouragement right now. And that I should be boasting in joy rather than fear. Fear is evil. And results in nothing but negative outcomes. I won’t let fear rob me of this amazing blessing. This amazing joy. This amazing creation God blessed us with yet again. Even IF something happens…I’ll know how I felt this day. The panic, the fear, the what-ifs…then the happiness, excitement and joy. As with anything life changing I can quickly go from one feeling to the other without notice. So beware! But I wanted to share with you all. All my friends and family. I really don’t want to keep it a secret. I need all the love, hope and prayers I can get right now. So pick your jaw up off the ground (haha!!) and send me good vibes. WE’RE PREGNANT (again)!

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