A Second Attempt at OIT:

So Josie’s first day of OIT was a big, fat, fail…

And I’m not going to lie…it was completely all my fault. Why? Because I’m me. Me as in the anxious, scared, get-these-flash-backs-of-her-dying-in-my-arms PTSD moments. My anxiety was so heightened at her appointment, I almost felt like I was going to die. I took a glance at my FitBit to see my heart rate and it was above 120. That was at resting. Lord. I look back now and am so angry at myself for ruining this for her. This time it’s going to be so much different…

Well, with that being said, our sweet girl is starting her first day of OIT on May 9th! (If we can get this illness out of our house!) This time we’re doing things a little differently. ..

Daddy is going to take her. As most know he’s much more relaxed and she (I think) is more drawn to him. I booked a hotel the day before and the day after only 0.2 miles away for if they need me or I want to come there. I could walk there if I wanted to.

But for me to physically be there? No way! I am no good for her. My husband has told me, the allergist knows and that entire office probably thinks I’m nuts (no pun intended). But that’s okay. I am. I’ll admit it. I am terrified of feeding my child small lethal doses of a food that could potentially kill her. But on the upside there are thousands of positive stories and the success rates are phenomenal. The decision is a no brainer. We’ll do anything for Josie.

Of course with any doctors appointment that I cannot attend, I will probably pace the hotel room with my 19-month-old in hopes to not hear my phone ring. The first appointment can take anywhere between 4-8+ hours. Not a trip that I want to be involved in because I cannot imagine being calm enough for her.

We’ve made some pretty huge steps since that last attempt. Josie now takes Zyrtec liquid in a medicine cup. WHICH IS HUGE! She wouldn’t touch any medicine, at all, what-so-ever (without throwing it up) and because I’m sure her PTSD from past reactions/hospital visits/ICU, etc. But what she absolutely WON’T take is anything in a syringe. KEEP ANY AND ALL AWAY FROM HER. It terrifies her! Like to the point of freak out, throw yourself on the floor, type of freak out. So when we attempt again this time, they will NEED to put their syringe (they used on her last time), in a medicine cup before even entering the room and I’m willing to bet she’ll down it like a champ.

She seems to think she will go to the doctor once and walk out of there eating ice cream. Children have no sense of time. Since our last visit we talk about that doctor a lot. In fact, we talk him UP a lot. We finally convinced her that she can eat what baby sister does if she will go and see this doctor.

Josie: “Mama, can I go see Dr. S so I can have him give me medicine and then I can go eat ice cream with you and daddy and baby sister, please mama, please?” How precious is that? And bless her heart! It’s literally the small things in life we take for granted. She has no clue on the amount time this will take to be “desensitized” enough for her to enjoy that ice cream cone one day. Thank goodness we’re doing egg and milk at the same time. If that goes well, we’ll move to tree nuts and then peanuts (together or separate, we don’t know yet). Then try to tackle the whole chicken thing…

This post is short and sweet. Mainly a reach out to those friends and family who have prayed for Josie before, to please, please, please keep us (Josie) in your positive thoughts and prayers. Please pray that this works for her. I really do have good faith in this allergist and I am confident he will change our lives forever. And if that being the case, I will never know how to repay him for that. It will be priceless!

Read past experience here:

Josie’s Journey into OIT-Day 1, The Consultation

Reflection

Flashback: The Day Josie Became My Allergic Child

Food Allergies Suck!

Food Allergies

This is Our Lifestyle

 

I Will Remember You

June 23, 1932 – A Beautiful Life Was Born (Click here to read my post a year ago)

 

Dear Gram: I can’t stop thinking about you. I talk to you. I hope you hear me. I hope you remember me saving your life that time when you were in the hospital. You taught me how to cook and clean and how to take care of my husband and family. I think about you in everything I do. The way I clean, the way I cook and the way I celebrate holidays with my children. You gave me memories that can never be taken from me. You are an inspiration and a role model. Easter was very near and dear to my heart because of you. You made every holiday special. You always thought about everyone else. You were so strong to leave your family behind to start a new one in USA. You were the BEST Grandma a little girl could ask for. Thank you for the memories and the ongoing traditions I will pass to my daughters. I promise to tell them about you. I miss you so much some days it hurts. I miss you when I make hot dog soup or turkey for Thanksgiving. Or when I see deer and think “turn around, it’s the law!”. Thank you so much for loving me and for being the parent I never had growing up. May you be in peace and pain free. I can’t wait to see you again one day. I love you Gram. I know in my heart that you know that. (Stacy Sock, Spring, Texas, 2017)

There are many legends around the magic and spiritual meaning of the hummingbird.

It is often said that hummingbirds have a way of joyfully floating through the air outside of time.

In Native American cultures, hummingbirds have long been portrayed as healers, light bringers, and helpers from Spirit who carry luck, joy, and love to those they encounter.

One thing is certain… Hummingbirds definitely have a way of opening our hearts and eyes to the wonders of the world.

Hummingbirds are among smallest of all birds. They’re incredible aerobatic and can fly up, down, backward, they can change direction in an instant and effortlessly shift from full speed to practically standing still in the blink of an eye. This is in part because of how light-weight they are, with some hummingbirds weighing no more than a penny!

This reminds us of the power of adaptability… Being willing to step back, observe, look at things from a new perspective, and then quickly shift into action as needed.

Their physical lightness is also a beautiful reminder for us too to lighten up! If we let ourselves release the weight of doubt, fear, and worry… Like the hummingbird, our spirits can begin to hover and soar as we follow our path of joy.

Hummingbirds are the only bird that has the ability to hover for long periods of time.

The way that hummingbird hovers is very symbolic in and of itself — because they move their wings in a figure eight pattern — a symbol for infinity!

In this, the hummingbird has a special way of teaching us to move beyond time, to heal what has happened in the past, and to fully center our presence and awareness in the moment that is now.

Another incredibly symbolic characteristic of the hummingbird is that they drink the nectar of flowers.

As a result, they’re always searching for the sweetness of life and teaching us to do the same through their example.

With their long narrow beaks and even longer tongues, hummingbirds can get past the tough bitter exteriors of plants to fully dive into the sweetness within.

The nectar of life is, of course, one of the ultimate symbols for joy… Hummingbirds represent just that —living a life filled with joy, light, and sweetness — as they hover from flower to flower they’re fully present in the moment, completely following the path of joy.

If you’ve ever heard the soft hum of a hummingbird’s wings, you’ll notice that it too is quite distinct. This hum is said to carry healing light and magical energy, which hummingbirds have a way of bringing to us on a number of levels.

Hummingbirds Carrying Messages from the Angels

In addition to the beautiful guidance we can receive directly from hummingbirds by looking at their symbolic meaning, or tuning into their healing light and presence of love…

Quite often our Angels and loved ones in Spirit choose hummingbirds to relay their messages.

They may guide hummingbirds to hum by to validate their spiritual presence and to send us signs and reminders to follow our joy, stand in the light, and stay present in the moment.

Your loved ones in Heaven may choose a hummingbird to enter your space as a validation and assurance that they are well and their soul lives on.

So if you keep seeing hummingbirds humming by…

Pay attention!

What does seeing the hummingbird mean to you?

Take a moment to quiet your mind, open your heart and look within to tune into the sweet wisdom, and incredible gifts of light and presence hummingbirds bring.

They have much to teach us… And have a way of coming into the lives of those who are in need of, or just simply ready for their joy and light.

If you feel hummingbird represents something else not mentioned… You’re right!  Let your own heart and intuition reveal exactly what it is the sweet little hummingbird has to offer you in this very moment.

The only item that I own that my Grandma gave me is a teeny tiny pair or scissors. I look at them every morning in my vanity drawer. I wish I had something more. Something. Something a little bit more meaningful. Nothing pricy or expensive. I just wish I had a little piece of you to show my children. I wish I could smell your house just one more time. Make bean dip just one more time. Laugh until we were crying over the fire pit just one more time. Just one more time…just one.more.time. I miss you every day of this life I’m living and I wish I could tell you all about your beautiful great granddaughters. They are phenomenal. I love you Gram.

My sister and I made these sun catchers in this photo, many, many years ago. This would be something that would mean the world to me to have. Or her glass she’d always have next to her for her water. Or the deer decorations by the fireplace, or the log with the seagulls that we found when we were kids in the lake and she made it a piece of treasure forever.

Gram-There are so many details now that I have children that I wish I could look at in your home. I see a lot of what I do is from being a part of you and being raised by you. I wish I could just come over and sit on the couch and watch the latest funniest thing ya’ll recorded as the TV is too loud and we laugh until our stomachs hurt. I wish we could play dominos one last time with those push pin pennies you made or rounds and rounds of Poker. I wish we could run down the airport and sing that German song just one more time. I wish we could sit around the fireplace and sing “Frog in a Log” one more time. I wish we could pop in old VHS tapes and watch all the old Christmas’ in Garden City on the TV and talk about the normal day to day stuff and just how much has changed. I wish we could sit on the porch and vent, chat and drink coffee, while we paint our nails.

…I wish I never left you that summer. There. I said it. I wish I never left you in that hospital. Although my heart knew you’d be okay. I just wish I never left you. I wish I got to say goodbye during your final days. I wish I got to hug you. No one will ever know the pain that comes with that. And that may make some happy that I feel that pain and some may not. And I hope you never stop talking to me. Because I enjoy you. Please talk to me soon, I miss you.

Prost! Prost!  Until we meet again…

Here are some oldies but goodies to make anyone laugh and smile even IF you don’t talk to our little family anymore. My love runs deep and never runs out. No matter the ruthless, hurtful and painful words/actions. Blood is thick and love is love.

God’s Plan

So Josie has been talking about a little brother a lot lately. Mainly telling Bobby that a little brother will complete our “family”. She says things like “Mama, Daddy, Josie, Baby and Brother.” Bobby was taken aback from that random out-of-nowhere statement, that he sent me the clip from our camera while I was at work. My heart sank…

Do children really know before we do? …God’s plan?

Or maybe too much TV time? Too many stories about little baby brothers?

I haven’t been feeling “me” lately. To say the least, I’ve been anything but normal. My anxiety seems heightened and my patience is absolutely non-existent. It’s been a rough few days. I usually blame (which is usually the case) the fact that Bobby leaving us again, as to why we are all a little crazy a few days after. But really…it was just me. I couldn’t even stand to hear Josie speak sometimes, which is awful to say. I’d lie in bed at night after I put her to sleep and think “Something isn’t right with me. This is NOT me. What is going on?” So that next morning I did it. With everything else pointing to it, I just had to…

Since 3 miscarriages and two daughters later, I am so in tune with my body, that I know it’s signs and symptoms (of pregnancy) so soon that I just know when to test. The most crazy part? It was still 7 more days until my “projected period” was supposed to start. Insane! This happened with Juliette, too. I ovulate way soon in my cycle, literally days after my last period. Being in tune with your body takes time and work, I’ll be honest. I haven’t always been that way. I knew I was craving nasty food. Pickles, ice cream and bacon. I bought a jar of green olives and pickles at the store. I found myself waking up to go to the bathroom at least 2-3x a night (I know it will get worse) when I usually maybe go once or not at all. I am tired. But I blamed that on working a ton and jumping right back into SAHM when Bobby left. After this positive test, the insomnia kicked in that night and the night sweats and vivid, crazy, crazy dreams. I feel like I haven’t had dreams that I can actually remember in months and months! So then it made sense. There’s a baby in there…growing.

…now what?

How am I feeling? Terrified.

As I FaceTimed Bobby (of course he wasn’t home for this, again, right?) to let him know, as I was bawling my eyes out in pure terror, he grinned a little and said “babe, wasn’t that the plan?” …but…but…but…Juliette took 19 MONTHS to create and 3 miscarriages! We’ve only been “not preventing it” for two months! TWO! I told myself we’d never “try” again but if it happened, then it’s God’s will and plan. I even made jokes that Bobby better get a mistress because I can’t do another pregnancy/child. Of course, a joke and he and I would laugh and he’d tell me not to talk badly about his mistress (lol!) But dang! Two months later? A 3-year-old and a 10-month-old? Oh dear Lord! When I told him to pick a dog or a baby, I guess God decided we were more fit to be parents. I can’t help but laugh, but Bobby mentioned he still wanted both. I just can’t. Not right now…

…so another baby it is.

As his grin went away and he told me everything will be okay, I somehow didn’t feel like that was the case. I knew with him being so far and unable to provide the instant comfort I needed, I had to contact some of my closest friends to get insight. I was told everything from “this is great, exciting news.” to “you were meant to be a mom, Stacy.” to “this is God’s plan.” to “everything will be alright.” One of my neighbors (and very good friend) came over that morning. She is an amazing person. Always, always, always there when I need her. And I needed her that morning. Even after I came back from my doctors appointment to get my blood HCG drawn, she came back over and spent most of the day with me. I had another friend even come over as she read my text (“I need to talk to you, can you come over for a minute?”). She literally just rolled out of bed and came over half asleep when she should have been home packing for her vacation she was planned to leave for in a few hours. Who does that? What an amazing person she is! I am grateful and beyond blessed to have these (and so many other) ladies in my life. They tolerate my “crazy”. They are so understanding and patient. To know I have that sort of love and friendship, is reassuring. I just hope to return the favor to them one day.

Anyway…

Should I be cliche and say “Party of 5!” or “our family is growing my two feet?” I honestly don’t even know what to say today (day after that test). I’m still shocked. And totally not looking forward to all these symptoms that come along with early, first trimester pregnancy. Mainly the nausea (but never vomiting), the fatigue and the insomnia.

So here’s the kicker…

WHAT?????

…Josie’s birthday! This will be Josie’s 4th birthday! Maybe she knew when she was speaking of a brother? They say kids know. I think it’s crazy and funny! I laugh until I cry. Because that’s all I can do at this point, right? How ironic is this?

Life is so unpredictable. Two days ago I FINALLY made it out to an exercise class since not working out BEFORE I was pregnant with Josie and I love, love, loved it! SO much so that I signed up right then and there. It’s 3 days a week for an hour. It kicked my butt! The next morning (the day of my positive test), I could barely walk. Every muscle in my body hurt and I loved it! And totally missed this feeling. Knowing my muscles were strengthening. So do I stop because of fear? Or do I keep going? Do I change my plan because this happened? I was pregnant when I worked out (the other day) and didn’t know yet, so should I continue? I finally felt like I was getting my life together with two kids. I finally kicked the PPD to the curb. I finally felt like I could leave the house with both kids in tow and meet other mom’s, go to playdates and go to the pool without the help of another adult. God keeps telling my subconscious mind that I’ll find a way to make this work, too. Even one of my very best friends said: “I love you and you’ll figure this out, as usual :)”…that was so meaningful to me. Especially coming from her! In addition, she reminded me: “You were meant to be a mom. All of your babies, however many, are extremely lucky to have you.”…as if I wasn’t emotional enough, but to hear (read) one of the BEST mother’s I know tell me THIS, it put me at ease. Maybe I am doing something right? God picked me to be a mother to these babies.

I was scared to announce it to everyone. And I wasn’t planning to. I’m scared of another miscarriage. But God kept telling me to write. Because that’s what I do. And share with everyone. That more than anything I NEED the support and encouragement right now. And that I should be boasting in joy rather than fear. Fear is evil. And results in nothing but negative outcomes. I won’t let fear rob me of this amazing blessing. This amazing joy. This amazing creation God blessed us with yet again. Even IF something happens…I’ll know how I felt this day. The panic, the fear, the what-ifs…then the happiness, excitement and joy. As with anything life changing I can quickly go from one feeling to the other without notice. So beware! But I wanted to share with you all. All my friends and family. I really don’t want to keep it a secret. I need all the love, hope and prayers I can get right now. So pick your jaw up off the ground (haha!!) and send me good vibes. WE’RE PREGNANT (again)!

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