Don’t Judge Me-You Have No Idea the Road I’ve Traveled

Think before you speak. Before you judge. Before you remind me that I skip out or cancel. Do you know me? Do you know what I struggle with? Do you have any idea what it’s like to be in this mind of mine? I think not. But your words cut like a knife no matter if you’re close to me or not. Why? Because I’m well aware of what I do/don’t do and sadly, unfortunately, I have no control over it. You may think I’m just blowing you off. But really, I’m having a tough day. I’m having a moment of “I just cannot be around anyone today.” I’m having a moment of “I can’t stop crying, and I don’t know why.” …but I don’t confide this in you because of the massive judgment and total misunderstanding of what it’s like to be…me. I am different. I’m lovable and kind. Passionate and real. Honest and blunt. Scared and worried. Isolated and alone…you.have.no.idea. So before you pass judgment and talk about me to your friends, know that this is out of my control. If it were up to me, I’m be happy-go-lucky every single day of my life. Unfortunately, my mental illness doesn’t allow me that. I reach, but cannot reach far enough. So to surround myself with those who discredit what I do do or knock me down for what I don’t, creates this distance and wall. I am not perfect. But I try my best to be a good friend and be present. But not everyday is good for me, can you understand that?

Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time. It’s the fear of failure but no urge to be productive. It’s wanting friends but hating socializing. It’s wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely. It’s caring about everything then caring about nothing. It’s feeling everything at once then feeling paralyzingly numb.

Depression isn’t always crying your mascara off in the shower and playing sad songs in bed. Sometimes it’s not wanting to talk to anyone for days and other times it’s desperately needing to be around people. Sometimes depression is having no appetite even though you haven’t eaten anything since yesterday and sometimes it’s eating everything you have in the fridge. Depression isn’t your husband holding you and telling you that it’s going to be okay. It’s sitting across the table, not eating, having him ask you what’s wrong and knowing that you’re ruining his night because you can’t seem to snap out of it and just be happy. It’s the frustrating feeling of desperately wanting to enjoy something and just be normal for once. It’s keeping things secret from people you love because you don’t want them to look at you like you’re broken. No, depression isn’t beautiful black and white images. Depression is lonely and frustrating and mostly just exhausting.

Depression, anxiety and panic attacks are not signs of weakness. They are signs of trying to remain strong for far too long. It’s really difficult when you feel like you don’t have anyone…that feeling when you’re not necessarily sad, but you just feel really empty.

Family is supposed to be our safe haven. Very often, it’s the place where we find the deepest heartache.

People have always said “what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.” Well…I believe: “what doesn’t kill you, screws you up mentally.”

On most days, I try my hardest to not act how I feel…

I wanna go somewhere and scream as loud as I can. I wanna pull my heart out and throw it, burn it and be heartless like them.

Maybe I deserve all of this…

Pain changes people, it makes them trust less, overthink more and shut people out.

“I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. it’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone.”-Robin Williams

Most days, I am tired of trying to hold things together that cannot be held. Trying to control what cannot be controlled. I am tired of denying myself what I want for fear of breaking things I cannot fix. They will break no matter what I do. And they have. I don’t remember what it’s like to not feel broken…

Staying Positive in a World so Negative & Destructive

If I’ve learned anything from life, it’s that sometimes, the darkest times can bring us to the brightest places. I’ve learned that the most toxic people can teach us the most important lesson; that our most painful struggles can grant us the most necessary growth; and that the most heartbreaking losses of friendship and family and love can make room for the most wonderful people. I’ve learned that what seems like a curse in the moment can actually be a blessing, and that what seems like the end of the road is actually just the discovery that we are meant to travel down a different path. I’ve learned that no matter how difficult things seem, there is always hope. And I’ve learned that no matter how powerless we feel or how horrible things seem, we can’t give up. We have to keep going. Even when it’s scary. Even when all of our strength seems gone, we have to keep picking ourselves back up and moving forward, because whatever we’re battling in the moment, it will pass, and we will make it through. We’ve made it this far. We can make it through whatever comes next.

When you heal, you do change. You become more guarded. You have a wall so high, people will wonder what happened to you to make you like this. You owe no one an explanation. What you do owe is only to yourself. And that is peace of mind, body and soul. Make sure you give that to yourself, every day.

“Watch your words or actions towards other people. Don’t take your bad day out on others. People are fighting battles that are unseen. Your words can build or destroy. At the end of the day, you can be the difference between making someone feel special or making someone feel discarded. Be the difference in their life. You have no idea how dark their day might be.-Alana Weston, (2018)”

People ask me all the time: “how was your childhood?” I can only think truly and honestly think about one thing: I feel robbed. Some may think I had it great because I had free range like a chicken. But where did that get me today? What did that do for my future? How did that prepare me for life as an adult? Free range means…no boundaries, no rules…I did what I wanted. And because I had no direction, it dictated the person I became today. Very guarded. Very strong to the point of intense stubbornness. Very raw, mean and straightforward. Honest. Blunt. Sometimes too much? I had no one to teach me any different. No one to teach me right from wrong. No one to help me with homework. No one to guide me on a path to success. It was all up to me. I was alone. I felt alone. I wrote poetry. In fact, I still have the book of poetry I wrote from when I was a child sitting on my bookshelf today. I’d sat in my room as a teenager and cried day after day. My father was non-existent. My mother was in the living room drinking with friends/boyfriends, etc. My sister and I were never close as adolescents, during the most crucial identity discovery moment of ones life. And once I became an adult I prayed and desired that closeness with her. But she just couldn’t. But that, more apparent than ever, will never happen in this lifetime. Gosh, I hope I can teach my children the opposite. I’m not perfect. I will NEVER claim perfection. But my children are my project. I want them to be anything but me. I want them to love each other and be there for each other…for life. Best friends. Be each others best friend no matter what. No matter how much they hurt one another. No matter what life throws at them. And I want them love me too, somewhere in there. But mainly, I want them to have each other…forever. I want them to know that family IS forever and words can destroy a heart. So tread lightly when anger sets in.

“Now, as an adult, I realized a lot of my anger comes from having anger and abuse directed towards me as a child.-unknown”

20 Things You Didn’t Realize You Were Doing Because of Childhood Emotional Abuse

Don’t hide behind the truth. Accept it and work on moving on. Do it for you. I know I am…finally. It is a very, very, very long road to recovery and healing…if recovery and healing is even an option.

This summer was precious. I will kiss my daughter in just a few weeks, as she starts Preschool. Which means, no more Fall and Winters of just us three. My baby is all grown up. My heart is happy for her yet breaking at the same time. Where did my dark haired little teeny baby go?

I shall let go…

And finally take the time to work on me

Narcissistic abuse recovery makes you self-empowered. It brings you into yourself. It allows you to find your voice. You start making your own decisions, sharing your own opinions, setting up boundaries, allowing others to hold their own pain and anxiety instead of taking it on for them. You become more assertive and confident.

Getting help is the easy part…

Healing is the hard part…

I’m still learning…

How do you put yourself back together when you don’t even know when you fell apart?

How do you fix something that YOU didn’t break?

…Grace.

This is a real great read:

Something Is Wrong With Her…

“All emotions, even those that are suppressed and unexpressed, have physical effects. Unexpressed emotions tend to stay in the body like small ticking time bombs–they are illnesses in incubation.”

For so long, I never knew anything was wrong with me. I didn’t know that I harbored hard feelings, pain, guilt, regret, bitterness, sadness, loss, emptiness, loneliness, fear…

It wasn’t until I became a mother myself and saw, felt and experienced all the love, pain and heartache that came along with being the best mom I could possibly be. Which somedays, I’ll admit, I fall short and I never, ever, ever claim to be the perfect mother. No such exists. We all do our best. But your best has to TRULY be your best to be able to say that. That those children come first. Always. In every stage, every situation, every option, every fault, every life fail…THEY MUST come first. YOU MOLD THEM! THAT IS YOUR JOB AS A PARENT!!!! And just because I post on Facebook of what I do with my children, doesn’t mean that I am perfect and I live this blissful perfect life of no problems. Truth is, we all have them. Whether they be emotional, financial, parental, marriage, etc…it’s life, right? You’ve got to really be an idiot to think that those issues don’t consume me or our family on the best of days. You see what you see (on social media) but if you actually took the time to TALK TO ME, you’d know that it’s not what you completely “see”. But the important thing is that it’s what my kids see! See, that is the difference. Whatever it is I’m fighting internally, I hide it. I hide it from those those that don’t give a damn (family) and I hide it from my children. I never want to be that mom who turned to the bottle because life was just too much to handle. Instead, I take what I know, learn from it, rise above it (as difficult as it is to do the older I am getting) and teach them exactly what I don’t want them to be..which IS me (because I am NOT perfect). This is who I was created into as I grew up, this is what my “parents” created. If they want to take credit for something in my life, they can take credit for my short falls and my mistakes. And the lack of direction I had. At 10-years-old, I should just know better, right? Should I just have known that my homework should have been done? I don’t need a parent to teach me that stuff, right? I don’t need a role model, right? That’s the most ridiculous thing that I have EVER, ever heard! Those are exact words that came from my own parents mouth. “You should have known better to make your life better!” Wow. Shocking. I guess, when you pop out a child, you’re supposed to expect them to raise themselves. I found this excellent quote: “Be who you needed when you were younger.” AMEN! That is what I strive to do daily! Every day of my life is difficult. It is difficult to fight off my mind. The damage has consumed me, changed me. I’m still trying to find a way for me to get through it alone. Get through it without letting it take over my life, which it so often feels that it has, especially recently.

“Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.”

I can say that I fill and explode my newsfeed on facebook with happy thoughts of what I do with my children. And if that bothers you, then that’s your fault. And if you for one second you feel a bit of jealously, take a good look at your life and make some adjustments! Because I can 100% tell you that there is not ONE person I am jealous of. God has blessed me beyond measure. Our home, our marriage, our connection (heck, knowing each other since we were kids!), our beautiful children and growing family, our friends that we now call family. Careers we truly LOVE and are freaking good at it, too! Why let someone else’s accomplishment consume you to the point of destruction and misery? ONLY YOU CAN CHANGE YOU AND YOUR DESTINY! And it’s never too late. You only have one life to live. Don’t spend it comparing it to others choices and being jealous of what others have. I cannot tell you how often I lift people up. With words or actions. Only because it feels damn good! It’s almost become an obsession. Because I want people to feel what I never felt. And what I post on Facebook is to mainly look back a year or two later and smile and say “wow! look how far they’ve come! Look how far we’ve come!” And to say: “I did that. I raised them.”

“Sometimes walking away has nothing to do with weakness and everything to do with strength. We walk away not to make others realize our strength and value but because, we finally realize our own.”

My children are smart, structured, sweet and kind. And you can ask anyone! Anyone that is around them longer then 5 days! You don’t see them hitting, spitting or being spiteful? Why? Because there is a fine line of discipline, education and LOVE! Taking time to get on their level. Sitting down. Hugging. Talking. Asking questions. TAKING THE TIME! Putting down the electronics, the internet, the iPhone, the iPads, the computers and taking time to read to them. You’d be surprised how much they enjoy that. How much they absorb. How much they remember and how that memory of you taking the time to do that ONE thing with them. They don’t forget. And that is what keeps me going. You are BUILDING a love and trust and connection that will get you SO much further in life then it would if you tried to do this when they’re older. Because when they’re older…the damage is done and it’s so much harder to fix…(example: me).

But I also have parents that refuse to believe they did anything wrong…

Just like any disease, the first step is acknowledging you have a problem.

But like I said…I never knew it was there. All of it. All the pain I feel and harbored, until I had children and I had to be the mother I knew I can and should be. Yet I falter, I do the best I can and I truly mean that. God made me their mother for a reason. And anyone that is around me daily, weekly, monthly and who talks to me daily will tell you that I work my ass off to be a damn great mom to these girls.

Just because I cut out ALL toxic humans in my life, doesn’t make me the problem. They are. Drugs, alcohol, drama, trauma…you name it. Keep that shit away from my kids. Keep it thousands of miles away, in fact. Because MY feelings don’t matter anymore (to me)…my kids feelings do. So mess with their hearts, and you’ve destroyed anything you could or should have had with them, just like that.

I can honestly say a person can probably live their entire lives harboring those hurtful childhood feelings in their subconscious mind never knowing it. And if you don’t have kids, you may never experience the true PAIN and hurt from your childhood until it’s your responsibility to love and protect another little human being. Until you lose yourself.

“You stabbed me and then pretended you were the one that was bleeding.”

Some people cope with drugs, alcohol or prescription medications from a result of their childhood. I’ve tried all. None of which compare to self talk, self help and self reflection. You can only hide for so long. Until it ultimately destroys every bit of what you have. But if you’re lucky, like me, you may have an amazing husband who supports your choices and decisions and doesn’t judge your actions when they happen because he knows the true real pain you feel day to day. Especially when I see him be the father I never, ever had in my life. My children are so lucky to call him dad.

Because mom and dad are your mom and dad. They aren’t your friends. They aren’t…they just aren’t.

“I am working on how to be whole and free within myself, to acknowledge my brokenness, manifest my own happiness, and succeed and fail gracefully.”