I have been victimized.I was in a fight that was not a fair fight.I did not ask for the fight.I lost.There is no shame in losing such fights.I have reached the stage of survivor and am no longer a slave of victim status.I look back with sadness rather than hate.I look forward with hope rather than despair.I may never forget, but I need not constantly remember.I was a victimI am a survivor.
Sometimes books like these (pictured below) need to be read more then once…or twice. Or three times in my case. And I’m sure I’ll read it again when I need to.
…especially around this time of the year when my heart hurts a little more (because sadly, I’m not heartless).
I have come to realize that it will always hurt. And nothing I say or do can change that.
And I’ve also been told that it is okay to hurt. It’s okay to mourn the loss of my entire family all at once. One side of the family, that is.
I’m not ashamed that I talk to someone about my childhood with my narcissistic father and grandfather and all the death wishes towards me that they send.
How do you continue to “love” someone when they continuously stomp all over you?
Because family does that…or at least I do. I will always love my family. Because there is a HUGE difference between love that they feel and unconditional love I feel.
It has gotten easier with time, but the sting never truly goes away…
Ya’ll know I’m honest and raw in my blog. So I hope you’re prepared for some pretty messed up, sick and twisted conversations between my grandpa, father and I. And I promise you I’m not keeping any details out. Except the phone number he gave was removed for privacy reasons. After all, this is my safe harbor. THIS is where I talk to those who are fighting the same or similar battles. It’s nice to have a support group out there whom so often reminds me that THIS is not normal…and that I need to let them all go.
I can’t turn off my heart like them. My husband often leans in to me and gives me the silent hug I need and sometimes even a few words I need to hear. But most recently he said something to me that made me a little less sad: “don’t let time get away from you. Don’t let them steal your happiness.” In other words, he also meant: “don’t let them steal OUR happiness.” Because when I’m not OK, we’re not OK. Isn’t that how marriage works? He and I are both so interconnected.
I never told him that I reached out to my family (again) while Juliette was in the hospital. Why? Because I knew he’d tell me what I didn’t want to hear. He’d tell me the TRUTH. He’d tell me what exactly was going to happen. He’d tell me not to do it. He’d say “I told you so”. But I did it on my own. And I also feel like I needed to (regardless the outcome). It was something that was eating me up inside. But he was right. When I got that first reply from my grandpa, we were making dinner in the kitchen, and he sensed my sadness and anxiety. He quickly assumed: “are you taking to your grandpa, Stacy? Did you email him? Again?” He got so angry with me that he stepped outside. He couldn’t understand why I’d put myself through this (again). I sat on the steps in the house and cried. “Yes! I AM THE FOOL! I AM THE SUCKER! I reached out again and only to be crushed.” SHAME ON ME! It was stupid. And I never should have did it. But I did. It’s done and I will let go for real this time. I promise.
Ya’ll know by now that Juliette spent nearly two weeks in the hospital with complications from pneumonia and had an emergency surgery with a chest tube. And most of you know that it temporarily and permanently screwed me up. During that time I had nothing but my own mind to deal with. My own thoughts. The “what ifs”. As I held her screaming little body in pain, day after day, night after night, those four walls became my norm. Just her and I (while Bobby stayed home to care for Josie). Those walls heard every cry, every prayer and every bit of anger I had. I was stuck with my emotions and thinking about all things in life that went wrong and what I could do to make them right. Could I? Was it even possible? I did a lot of praying. A lot! I told God to tell me what to do. I begged for him to give me answers. My grandfather came to mind. Then my father. Should I reach out again (only to be stomped all over)? Or do what my husband would and just “let it go”?
…I did the unthinkable. I reached out. In one of my most vulnerable moments of weakness, while my second daughter was struggling to breathe, while I felt like I was losing her to this terrible virus, I reached out. And I gave it my all. My honest, kind, truthful and sincere all. Can you guess how it went?
It was a huge mistake. And shame on me (again), for doing so. And for putting myself out there…again!
When I think back to my childhood during those moments in the hospital with Juliette, I thought about my grandma. I talked to her while my daughter was screaming in pain with 104.7 temperature and pneumonia that just wouldn’t budge with several different antibiotics. I was reminded of my grandma’s son, (my uncle), Timmy. Whom when he was Juliette’s age, caught pneumonia and wasn’t properly taken care of (back in those days it was much harder) and ultimately became mentally retarded for the rest of his life and put in a home. It was during that time, my grandma lost one of her sons. How traumatic! I couldn’t help but be scared and worried. Could this happen to Juliette, too? I couldn’t help but reach out to my grandma in prayer during this time and talk to her. I talked out loud in that hospital room. And I know she listened because I felt her. I felt her in my heart and I felt her presence with us. I asked her what to do. “What should I do, grandma?” It was almost as if she told me to press the send button on my email to my grandpa.
I know she’s hurt that we’re a damn mess of a family now. I know she’s hurt that the conversation (below) unfolded the way it did, while I was trying to keep my daughter alive in the hospital.
How do I know that, you ask?
Well, she shows me. She speaks to me. In ways only just a few people may understand.
Her and I had something different. Something some people just won’t understand. Something my grandpa has no clue of. Neither my own father. They had no idea my grandma and I had conversations over the years. And just how much she has honestly and openly shared details with me.
After Juliette was discharged from the hospital, I jumped right back into work. I needed to get away from it all. I needed to take care of someone, anyone else. Bobby took over with the girls at home and I tried to go back to my normal day to day life of being a nurse part time. I love my job. I mean it ya’ll…I LOVE what I do and I am good at it! Being a nurse isn’t easy, but it’s something that comes natural to me. It’s an accomplish that I can look back and say I did it on my own and one no one else can take credit for except myself.
Once I got in my van that morning and plugged in my phone to put on my normal Pandora radio station, a song came on (which normally doesn’t) that reminded me of the night my grandma died (on Easter Sunday). There is a lyric in there that hits me hard…
“Christmas night, it clutched the light, the hallow bright
Above my brother, I and tangled spines
We smoked the screen to make it what it was to be
Now to know it in my memory
And at once I knew I was not magnificent
High above the highway aisle
Jagged vacance, thick with ice
But I could see for miles, miles, miles.”
…I smiled and pulled out of the garage and out of our section onto Rayford Road. Where just a few feet away stood two deer in the middle the street. Deer? In Houston? It was dang hot out, how could this be? I mean, it cannot be THAT extreme but right now at 5:15am? They had stopped in my headlights to stare. I just sat there in the road. There was no traffic. It was just me and them. It was a Saturday. Tears came down my face and I said out loud “is that you grandma?” I felt her. And they began to walk away. They took their time crossing the street and when they got to the other side, they stopped and looked at me as I slowly drove past them. If I had my window down I could have been close enough to touch, had I been in the passenger seat. [“Deer! Turn around! It’s the law!” – memories of my childhood with my grandma.]
I made it to work and as I went to the staffing office and they told me which floor I was on, I continued to make my way there after 6:38am came and I was able to clock in. After feeling completely shook up, full of emotions from the conversations with my grandfather of his awful words that still repeated over and over in my head (listed below-toward the bottom), I asked her to give me strength to take care of my patients today. To be a good nurse and not worry about Juliette (she’s home with daddy and getting her medication-she will be ok!). I just so happened to glance over at the wall and saw the hummingbird. The very one I saw the day after her death when I was having, what felt like the worst day ever. At that very moment, I’m sure the look on my face went from “happy-let’s-do-this-Stacy” to an emotional mess of emotions. Another nurse (again) even asked if I was okay. I wiped the tears from my face and I said, “yes, I’m great!” and I whispered under my breath, “thank you, grandma. Thank you for being here with me today”.
…I felt great because I knew she was talking to me. She was letting me know she was there. She was letting me know all morning she had been there. And I truly feel, deep within my heart that she’s ashamed of the behavior of my grandpa (her husband) and her son. Because I reached out AGAIN only for them shut it down so quickly. Even to go as far as saying I’m not my fathers daughter and I should get a DNA test. My grandmother took so much pride into raising us (my sister and I). And I know it had to hurt her deeply that he would even THINK, let alone even say something like that. Ever.
I went along with my day and talked to her like I normally do. At first I thought she’d be mad at me for exposing her “secret”. But then I felt like she almost wanted him to know. I felt like she almost wanted him to know that she felt pain, too. That she tried to be the best wife she could and at some point, felt just as low by them as I did and as low as my own mother did when she as married to my father. And just like no one stuck up for me but my own self, no one stuck up for her either. She dealt with it. She was terrified of being sent back to Germany just for defending her own self and emotions. So she did what a lot of wives do…suck it up and find a way to make it work. She kept her mouth shut. She couldn’t dare go back to that war over in Germany. And I remember countless conversations with her on her front porch, up north, about how it’s damaged her. How she fears it and still has nightmares. How the thunder so often reminded her of the bombs going off. How she hated fireworks. How she only made it to the 5th grade. How grandpa saved her from that time of her life. How it pains her to live so far up north and away from her family in the city. Although, she made it clear how much she hated the city, but also made it clear that she’d go back just to have more time with her family. It was almost as if she knew her disease was going to hit bad and her time was limited…but no one listened to her wishes, wants or needs. She left so many brothers and sisters in Germany. Brothers and sisters she was VERY close with. She felt alone in Caseville. There have been many times where she would cry to me and tell me how sad she was living up north. And that she wished things were different. She did it all for one man, she said. And freedom. So if you think about it, the sacrifice was worth it, because she didn’t have to go back to a war going on in Germany. I understood her pain. And we talked. A lot. Not just that one moment, but several moments. I encouraged her to write about them. But she said she never wanted to travel back down those roads. That the pain of what she experienced was enough. And being here in the USA was a gift. A small sacrifice. She felt the need to be subservient to my grandfather because she sorta felt like she owed that to him in a way. After all, he saved her, right? Although, she would often say “because that is what women do.” I’m sure that guilt led heavy on her mind. But don’t get me wrong, there were great times too between her and my grandfather. Many, many great times. They were married for 55+ years! She was happy most of the time. But sadly felt like he didn’t listen to her in times.
They say the subconscious mind comes alive when a person is dying. I wasn’t there to see it, but I hope that she said some “gibberish” to him that he couldn’t understand. But within that “gibberish” was her honest thoughts about her life she had. People don’t allow themselves to die unless they let go of what’s holding them back (unsaid words). I know she hated the fact that my grandpa roller skated with that woman for so many years. But what could she say? She told me it would just bring more problems. She so often reminded me that he didn’t care about her in the end. Or her desires or wishes. She wanted him home (while her mind was still there) but he so often left her to play his music at the bar with his friends. That was one of the final times I remember her crying to me. Hugging me and telling me never to settle. Because life moves so fast. She had promised me that I had found a keeper in my husband and that he was a good man. Her and I had so many moments most people don’t even know of. I talked to her, she talked me. She opened up to me hundreds of times. Early morning times when things were fresh on her mind and no one was awake but her and I. I know more about her then most people think. I was close with her. Although, she was easily swayed one way or the other (with some encouragement), she tried her best to stand by her husband and honor his thoughts and wishes. But deep down inside, she had her own, too.
She never wanted it to be this way with our family. And I know it tore her up that it was even when she was alive. And she still doesn’t! And I’m a believer that she cannot rest in TRUE peace until it’s finished and fixed. No matter what, it will never be the way it was or be perfect but I know it kills her that this family is in shambles. But I also know that she knows I tried. Over and over and over and over again. I threw myself on the table many times. I became the rug beneath their feet and allowed them to stomp and wipe dog shit all over me. Just like Bobby says, “there’s nothing you can do besides sacrifice yourself, kill yourself, bleed the blood they want you to, in order for them to let it go. They won’t be happy until you’re dead.”
…I never believed him. Or at least I refused to.
…but the conversation was clear. And my husband was right! It’s true. They DO want me dead…
*****NOTE THAT THESE CONVERSATIONS ARE EXACTLY TWO YEARS APART… 2016 & 2017.*****
But first…let’s start with the really unfathomable text messages from my father…
There are words most children should never, ever have to hear from their parent, regardless.
He told me that he was going to “kick the shit out of me”, while sitting in our home and then Bobby (whom never gets into ANY arguments, ever!) turned around on his computer and said “Jim, I think you should leave.”
…so it wasn’t even me that insisted. But after my husband said it, I agreed. Then I got angry. Especially since Josie was right there witnessing the entire ordeal. I didn’t want her to see that disgusting dysfunctional mess. My father was upset with me for a blog post from a year ago when he blasted me on Facebook. When he called me every cuss word in the book. When he told me I was “dead to him”. And when he told my sister that he “didn’t care about the baby, because he’ll never see it (Josie)”—these are just a few things. But after Josie’s birth, we had patched things up and we moved to Michigan where we thought we needed to be…closer to family so they could get to know our child(red). The blog posts I wrote about him were poems about how I wished I had a father, etc. They were TRUTH posts of actual words spoken to and from both him and I. He didn’t want the world to see his true side. After all, which narcissist does? It would crush his fame.
I THOUGHT we could drop it…like my mom and I do when we argue/fight about stupid crap. But he wanted to SULK! He wanted my wrists sliced in blood and on my hands and knees apologizing for “kicking him out of my house”…the truth is in the texts:
The conversation below is when I found out about my grandmas obituary…
And Bobby had called my grandpa to find out details. They talked calmly until my dad got brought up. Then he told Bobby that my name was in there, but then my dad had him remove it.
This caused a spiral effect on the entire family. My dad was so happy to have built a wall between my sister and I at the time. I can only imagine the words that were spoken of me at her memorial when it should have been ALL ABOUT HER.
I did try calling my dad when grandma died to be sincerely nice. He never responded. I left voicemails…
I also text messaged him.
I also tried calling my grandpa, over and over and over again.
Finally they did both answer Bobby’s calls. And then my dad threatened to come down here and kill him and snap his neck.
Which led me to call the police and make two separate police reports (if anything were to happen to us in the future). I called Westland Police and Montgomery (ours). I told them I wanted it to be on my file if in the future we end up dead one day. Because when Denise leaves him, and takes the very last of what the other two wives left, he’s going to probably kill himself. Or go after those who’ve “hurt him” or that have money. And, if you read below, you can clearly hear the jealously and envy of what we’ve made of our lives and the home we built and own…there has never been any TRUE “I’m proud of you, Stacy”. or “I’m happy for you, Stacy.” (I posted another blog post about this a few posts back) from either of them. God forbid them to be happy and proud of what I accomplished in my life. Especially a life full of cocaine, drugs and alcohol surrounding me and all I had to lean on was my sister.
He dragged me into his mess with his second wife for years! He’d call me while I was in college (studying or taking a test or trying to sleep for a test the following morning) crying over and over and over at 2:00am or later to tell me he’s going to shoot his head off or kill himself. His self-loathing and self-consuming behavior was disgusting. But I stood by him because he was my dad. He dragged my poor grandma and grandpa into his mess for years! Every single fight he ever had with his wife, he’s call them up and cry about it. Which was, in my opinion, so unnecessary to upset your elderly parents. Just fix your own mess and move on! My grandma cried countless tears worried that his unstable ass was going to kill himself. It drove her sick! Thankfully, the police took all his guns away at one point. This is just a small part of what my dad did to me (as his daughter-not his friend). That wasn’t only one time either. It was years and years of damage, midnight phone calls and suicide threats. He’d call me up to tell me about affairs he was having with 21-year-olds (when I was 25-years-old), bragging. He tell me how they go out to his car during his lunch hour and…well…I’ll leave the rest up to your imagination because quite frankly it makes my stomach turn. I couldn’t go anywhere with him without him hitting on a child or checking out a 16-year-old that passed us at the grocery store with huge boobs. He has told me sick and twisted personal thoughts of his, that I cannot fathom any father ever discussing in front of their own child. He even told my sister that she had nice boobs and should have been a stripper. I STOOD BY HIM THROUGH OUT ALL THIS dysfunction. But why? Because as a daughter that yearned for a father, I never lost hope that one day he might change. That he might realize the role of a father vs. the role of a friend…
I’m a true believer that when someone dies, they get to finally see the truth. All those things you hid….all those lies you told…the divide you created…I feel and trust that my grandma can see them now. It’s almost like a recording and she gets to see and feel my dads side and what he’s done…she sees both angles. And everything is clear. He was so good at being a behind doors abuser. He’s never learned how to speak to a woman. He waits until they fall for his “good side” and then his true anger and all-about-me persona finally peels through. And these women are too deep in at this point to let go. They, too, think they can change him. But this man, is unchangeable…a narcissist.
While my grandparents were raising my sister and I, my dad was snorting lines of cocaine and God knows what else. I do know I found a crack pipes a few times on the waterbed headboard. I can’t tell you how many times I found half cut straws and a plate of marijuana under the couch. I remember my teacher always telling us in school, that if we ever saw something like that in our home, to make sure to flush it down the toilet. I always did. He’d never approach us about it, as we were kids, but I’m sure it made him incredibly angry; which is why his anger outbursts in the mornings were always so terrible and scary. When we were only kids, he took all our toys away from us, tossed them in black garbage bags, because we were playing in the morning while he was sleeping and making too much noise (he worked nights) and put them in the shed. We had nothing else to do but watch MTV…which we soon became accustomed to. And at the time was not very appropriate for children to be watching. When my mom would come home from work at 2:00pm, (he’d leave by 3:00pm) she’d give us our toys back, make dinner, love on us and be the parent he never, ever was. He had a choice. He didn’t have to work nights. He could have been a present parent. But he chose to be an absent one. In BOTH of his marriages with ALL his children he fathered, this is the type of father he chose to be. He failed us all. It’s no wonder my half brother is so messed up…he never had a father either. And my dad DESTROYED my (then) step mother. Whom I told everything (truth) to and she backstabbed me and went and told him that I said it all. I should have known better. To even THINK I could have done any sort of good in that family is comical. I really did try to piece together everything. The memories I have from childhood are my mom and my dad fighting CONSTANTLY. She’d drink to deal with him, but he always insisted he never had a drug or alcohol problem. I honestly believe her “alcoholism” was intensified by his lack of a husband/father and lover. I always heard him bash her. Even when they were married. He’d never compliment her or show true affection. She was also “too fat” or “too this” or “too that”. My mom was 120-130 lbs. then. She was beautiful and perfect. How did he expect her to make a marriage work when he’d stay up all morning long, once home from work, with all his drug buddies, while my mom slept alone? She only hoped to have some normalcy and a husband that wanted her for her. He’d climb into bed just as she was getting out to head to work. So therefore, even as kids, we never blamed my mom for having an affair on my father if she did.
But may it be better that way? Because his behavior was probably something we were better off not being around. A blessing in disguise? But his actions led to my poor mom’s misery at the time. She was stuck. Does she stay because she loves her children and wants best for them or does she go because she’s just so damn miserable and sad in this marriage? Maybe she chose to cheat and then leave? Because guess what? He did too! He tried (and succeeded) most of the time, and slept with all my mother’s friends except one (who turned his ass down!). They all fell for him. Her closest friends…they all backstabbed her to just sleep with him. It never went anywhere with him. In his eyes, it wasn’t cheating. But my mom was the trampy one, right? And we as kids, we knew about both of their affairs too. We were so damn tired of watching our mom cry! She’d drink and then cry and we never understood why. But as an adult, and a mother, I can see the truth now. I get it. And now that I knew what type of person HE really is, I can only imagine how trapped she felt with two children and how it drove her in circles of how to leave. She wasn’t even allowed to talk to her best friend from childhood. He wouldn’t allow it. She even had to hide that. If you ask my dad where he was while my mother was at the hospital giving birth…well, he was in their bed sleeping with one of her friends. If for some reason my sister and I were still awake when we heard my father come home from work, we had to act like we were sleeping because we feared his voice and verbal abuse. He will be the first to tell you that he’s never hit us. And he’s right…he hasn’t. But I can tell you that verbal and emotional abuse goes way above and beyond the physical stuff. I almost WISHED he would have hit us instead. Because the things he has said, still linger in my mind, even 25-30 years later. And sadly, I’ll never ever forget them.
There is so much more to this disgusting description of a man.
But I know karma has it’s way. And when it strikes him it’s “poor me, poor me.”
He does no wrong…ever. In his eyes, he’s perfectly imperfect. And in his fathers eyes, he’s the best husband, son and father anyone could imagine. He’s a saint. But in reality, if my grandpa ONLY knew the truth, he’d know the truth. Or maybe the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree?
My father didn’t have the best up bringing. His mother cheated on his father because she, of course, felt insignificant just like my mother did with my dad. Same situation. Same terrible anger issues. My grandma had to make sure the house was perfect. That dinner was ready for him. That lunch was packed for him. That laundry, chores and his clothes were ironed for him. After so many years of that, she couldn’t take it anymore. Oddly enough, her frequent trips to the bar led to her meeting my mom’s mom, my grandma Opper. At the time, my mom and dad were just dating. My dad’s mother would get dressed up and put her lipstick on and go sit at the bar while my grandpa worked nights. It wasn’t until my mom was being dropped off at my dads house (as a kid) when both grandma’s met face to face (outside the bar). My dad’s mom gave my mom’s mom a “shhhhhhh” when she so quickly said “hey, I know you!” It was a huge secret my grandma had for years. And I’m sure once my sister and I were born, it gave her a reason to stay home. My grandma did everything with my sister and I. We were her little girls. And to finally know the TRUTH, it all makes sense. All of it. Finally!
On Christmas my grandpa gave my mom and dad a box of condoms. They were just kids! And after grandpa finished the porn he was watching, he’d pass it on to my dad. Then my dad would sit up with his friends and brag about the “great new porn” his father gave him. Sickening.
I can’t blame either one of these women for cheating. Or trying to feel their value in life. They were thinking about themselves but also thinking about how to protect their children. Mothers do that!
I’m blessed to have a man that is a REAL man, not a sick and twisted pedophile, porn obsessed, narcissistic self-centered, self-obsorbed fake.
Watching my husband truly love his daughters causes me more tears then you can imagine. Because I only wish I had had that when I was little. And I’m so happy I took the road that isn’t “typical” and found a real, honest and loving man to spend the rest of my life with. He’s an incredible father.
And yes, my husband and I have had a terrible upbringing. But I also believe that God made me much stronger because of it. I know what not to do. If I for one second start to act like my father in a rage that he so often had, I have a wonderful husband to remind and say to me: “come back on this level, don’t let him get the best of you.” I’ve become a better person and mother because of these experiences. Yet, I still need help piecing them together and working through the pain. Because there’s still that little girl deep down inside there, yearning for a father that she never had. My dad came around more when I turned 16. He bought me my first car to win me over. Then I became his punching bag while his failing marriage, suicide threats and abusive behavior went on for several years before his wife #2 was smart enough to finally divorce him. Then I even supported him buying women online over three different times overseas. These women promised to come to the USA and marry him; but all ended up being a scam (which I also warned him about). But in those moments of him chatting with them over the internet, he seemed happy. No more death threats or fighting with his wife. He was consumed in internet conversations with complete strangers trying to steal his money. He was blinded. He send thousands of dollars to these “people”, thinking he was going to have a bride on an airplane that very next day, but it never happened. Which then led to more self-pity and impulsive behavior. He has had a ton of great women come into his life, but to him they were just too ugly, old or fat. All he wanted was an object to fulfill his need.
November 1, 2016:
Hi Grandpa,
I’m not quite sure what to say but I’ve been wanting to say something for a while now. I just got the news that Grandma is not to well and Hospice was called. I can’t help but hope that this is the best thing for her, you and everyone else. I am keeping you all in my prayers and please know that I think about you guys every single day.
I have been wanting and trying to write you an email for quite some time but just haven’t found the right words. I type. I delete. I type. I delete. Then I just give up. Nothing truly worth saying has made me want to send it. Maybe I have been wanting to tell you that Bobby and I had another daughter in September. So you now have two great granddaughters. Or that we bought our first brand new house in Texas. Or that I just miss you guys. I don’t know. I really don’t know what to say. All I want to say now is that I love you guys (regardless of the petty crap) and I’m praying, really really praying hard, for you all.
I hope you find peace in all that is happening and you can stay strong through this. Grandma lived a long GREAT life. She was loved by so many and she had the best husband she could ask for.
Please, if she still remembers me, and doesn’t hate me, give her my love. Tell her I love her. Hold her hand and tell her you are grateful for the life she gave you. This time of the year is especially hard on me. I think about you guys every time I decorate. Or open up a bin of Christmas decorations. You guys gave me, as a child, so many great memories. I’ll never forget. I’ll never let them go. They are priceless to me. All I can do is pass on those memories and traditions to my daughters now.
If I can give you any advice, it would be to tell Grandma that it is OK to go. It is OK to leave this Earth and on to her next life with the Lord. She won’t go in peace unless you are okay, too. You are her entire world, her husband and her best friend. She needs to know you’ll be okay without her. Stay strong. I am sending hugs regardless if they are accepting or not.
Love you,
Stacy
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November 1, 2016:
Nice letter Stacy, but you hurt your Dad and us more than we can ever forgive, Bobby called your Dad, and told him to tell us to never call you again. You didn;t want anything to do with us , when Grandma was alive, so don’t worry about us when she Dies. TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE
Francis Hubel
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November 1, 2016
Wow. I will continue to pray for you. That you find peace one day and let go of that evil hatred in your heart that the devil is instilling inside you. What a sad sad way to live. God never wanted his children to have such hatred. He always said forgive. You’ve made all of this much easier for me. So thank you for that. I will pray for you all at church next week.
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November 2, 2016
You sure have a lot of balls, accusing me , of having evil hate , in my heart. The only two people I ever hated, was the two women Jim married, for what they done to him.You , on the other hand , were the pride of my life, until you started this Me me, me me, me bullshit.You are the one , who threw your father , out of your house, you are the one who told Bobby , to tellJim to tell his parents , not to call your house. . You are the one , who never contacted us for the last two years.You are the one , who had another baby, and never mentioned when, the sex, or its name. ( Great Granddaughter, you turned out to be). Where did you get the idea, that we’re living a sad life, because you are no longer in it. Get over yourself ! I don’t know about God not wanting children to have hatred, How about god not wanting children to disrespect there parents, and writing hateful untrue things about them, on facebook. You alienated yourself, from all your friends and family, and hightailed it back to Florida. So , about going to church, (which I doubt) don’t bother praying for us, we can take care of that , pray , that your children don’t disrespect you, the way you disrespect you Father.Also, as for forgiving,
you don’t know the meaning of the words”I’m Sorry” So If I made it easier for you Your welcome, I wasn’t aware that you were looking for a way to disown us. We still have one granddaughter, who we love, and loves us. We wish you and your family, the best, but you stared this mess, but i ended it.
November 2, 2016
All I can do is laugh, because you are so misled. I left Michigan because my daughter (and future children) need not be near the toxic relationships the “family” there had to offer. AND it was BEST for our family and Bobby’s career. By the way, we don’t live in Florida. We live in Texas. And why on Earth would I call you up to tell you about another Grandchild on the way when you don’t give a damn about me? Point proven. And yes, I do go to church. And I’ve found peace in letting my narcissistic father go. I’ve reached out to him. I emailed him. I texted him. I called him. I facebook messaged him. I said I was sorry (two years ago) but he deleted my messages and blocked me. So I DID try. Did he tell you that? Probably not. I can send you all my nice messages if you’d like. Because I saved them all in my “to show my kids when they grow up why they don’t have a Grandpa folder”. But I’m not surprised he didn’t tel you. I, again, rose above the bullcrap and sent you a message…which I’ve been working on for sometime. But you, again, stooped down to act like a child and responded like you did…to family! You act like family shouldn’t do this and family shouldn’t do that…but LOOK WHAT YOU’RE DOING! It’s okay for you to do it but no one else? Also, I don’t care who you are, if you’re going to stand in my house and tell me that you’re going to “smack the shit out of me”, then yes, I am going to ask you to leave. Which is what I did to Jim. I told him to leave. And if that hurt his precious feelings then boohoo! He should have got over it. I argue with my mom all the time but you don’t see her acting like a crybaby and saying she disowns me…give me a break. We move on and get over it. We talk and not yell. There’s a difference. There’s no talking with Jim…ever. It’s all yelling, one sided and all about him, always. And if grandmas father talked to her like that in your house, in your presence, you’d ask him to leave too…which is why Bobby did that. Bobby didn’t appreciate all the cursing and nastiness Jim said to me (ESPECIALLY in FRONT of Josie-his daughter)…so he finally spoke up. God forbid him to stick up for his wife. Bobby does not want his children to be exposed to such toxic behavior. If Josie ever acted out to him and he “disowned” her, it would KILL her! I’d never, ever, ever, want to put her in that position. So I took her the farthest away from him. And my children WILL disrespect me…because that’s how life goes. People are human. We make mistakes. We say things we don’t mean. We act out. SO WHAT?! Get OVER IT! Why the heck sit there with so much anger and hatred about it? Why dwell on it? WHY? What pleasure does it bring you? All you guys are is missing out on two BEAUTIFUL granddaughters and great-granddaughters. It’s seriously sickening. They are two amazing little girls and you are totally, totally missing out. All or what? Over what? All over what? NOTHING! It was stupid. Not even worth it. Not at all. It’s not like I put rat poisoning in Jims water. Get real! I asked him to leave my house. SO WHAT!? Can’t you see how stupid this is? It’s so so so stupid. Maybe you could have asked about Juliette Raelynn Sock if you were so interested in what IT was and what HER name was…Maybe YOU could have sent a message because I would have responded with OPEN ARMS! But now you want to continue this all because Jim’s feelings were hurt? Look at the how silly this is. Just so silly.
“She’s getting so big. Growing faster than I can keep up with. She loves the water, the beach and the pool. She’s our water baby. She has horrible food allergies and has put us in a panic in the hospital several times where I almost thought she wasn’t going to make it. It scared the crap out of me. I’m working a lot and so is Bobby. We have a fantastic baby sitter who teaches her every time she watches her. She’s obviously walking and talking and saying several new words every day. She’s so smart and so sweet and so kind.
I think about you every day, believe it or not. I miss you. I hope you are well. My heart aches (as I’m sure yours does too). But we both know it will never be the same. I have been trying to contact you. I text you, I call you, I email you and hear nothing. Absolutely nothing. (maybe you have ME blocked this time, I don’t know). So this was my last resort. Anyway, no need to message back and forth or have any confrontations. You don’t even need to acknowledge this message…I just wanted to send you pictures of Josie and let you know she loves her tricycle and also that I think of you often and despite what has happened or continues to happen, you’re in my thoughts, my prayers and I love you.”
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December 25, 2016
December 25, 2016
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December 25, 2016
February 5, 2017
Been thinking about y’all. Hope you and grandma are doing well. Here’s a recent picture of Juliette.
Love, Stacy
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February 7, 2017
February 7, 2017
I understand Jim is putting thoughts in your head..
April 17, 2016
***Then I called him, he answered and asked him to take my children’s name out if he cannot include mine, considering that he’s never even met my children. He hung up on me***
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April 20, 2016
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November 1, 2017
I think about you every day. I pray that God will heal all that has been damaged. Maybe not now on Earth but maybe in our afterlife. Maybe I’ll see you again and things will be different in a different world. And I want you to know that regardless of the hurtful things that have been said /done, I love you very dearly and that will never stop. I hope you have a very merry Christmas to come. I realize it will be very hard for you without grandma. I will think of you, especially in the coming weeks and months because Christmas to me equals grandma. This year, we’ve decided to make Christmas in our home a celebration of grandma. All that she was and all her hard work and dedication and love she put into everything she did. I found a VHS in our media room and it has several Christmas’s on it from the Garden City house. I was able to show Josie and she thought it was really neat. She loved it…the music, the excitement and the piano. She’s really into music! We are praying for good health, peace and happiness for you and the rest of the family for the next coming year.
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November 3, 2017
November 3, 2017
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Christmas is coming and Bobby will be offshore. But these three fabulous people are coming to visit us and spend several days with us. My mom, my Aunt Linda and my Uncle William. And I am so excited! And I know Josie will be so happy to see them! It’s all she talks about. If you’re not in her life, you are really, really, really missing out on one fabulous little person. Even just to FaceTime her like these three do…she loves it and it means so much to her. And if you choose not to be in her life then it is seriously your own selfish loss.
“Half the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important. They don’t mean to do harm, but the harm (that they cause) does not interest them. Or they do not see it, or they justify it because they are absorbed in the endless struggle to think well of themselves”. ~ T.S. Eliot
- Dad was self-centered and pretty vain. He had an inflated sense of self-importance that led him to believe he was superior and entitled to only the best.
- Dad used people for his own good. He would take advantage of others, to the point of exploiting them when it suited him. Everybody seemed to cater to him, or at least he expected them to.
- Dad was charismatic. Everyone wanted to be around him and he relished admiration from others. He loved being in the spotlight and the positive reinforcement that came from being the center of attention.
- No one had an imagination like Dad. Grandiosity is alluring, and so were his fantasies of success, prestige, and brilliance. He would often exaggerate his achievements, and his ambitions and goals bordered on unrealistic.
- Dad didn’t take criticism well. Nothing stung him like criticism; he often cut those people out of his life, or tried to hurt them.
- Dad’s rage was truly scary. Some people get mad and yell a lot. Dad could hurt you with his anger. It cut to the bone.
- Dad could be aloof and unsympathetic. Narcissists often have a hard time experiencing empathy; they often disregard and invalidate how others feel. Of course, he was exquisitely sensitive to what he felt, but others were of no mind.
- Dad wasn’t around a lot. He got a lot of gratification outside the family. Other fathers hung out with their families a lot more. Plus, he craved excitement and seemed to be more concerned by what others thought of him, rather then how his own kids felt about him.
- Dad did what he wanted when dealing with you. Narcissists don’t step into someone else’s shoes very often. He did things with you that he enjoyed; maybe you did as well.
- Dad wanted you to look great to his friends and colleagues. You were most important to him when he could brag about you; sad but true.
- You couldn’t really get what you needed from him. Even if Dad provided on a material level, you felt deprived on a more subtle level. For example, you wanted his attention and affection, but would only get it sporadically, and only when it worked for him.
Another characteristic typical of narcissists is a disregard of personal boundaries. Narcissists don’t always acknowledge the need for boundaries which is coupled with their failure to realize that others do not exist merely to meet their needs. A narcissist will often treat others, especially those that are close to him, as if they are there to fulfill his needs and expectations.
Now that you have a firm grasp on what a narcissistic father may be like, let’s take a look at how he might affect his kids. (How mine has affected me)
Characteristics of a Narcissistic Father
(From Children of the Self Absorbed: A Grownup’s Guide to Getting over Narcissistic Parents by Nina Brown)
- Turns every conversation to himself
- Expects you to meet his emotional needs
- Ignores the impact of his negative comments on you
- Constantly criticizes or berates you and knows what is best for you
- Focus on blaming rather than taking responsibility for his own behavior
- Expects you to jump at his every need
- Is overly involved with his own hobbies, interests or addictions ignoring your needs
- Has high need for attention
- Brags, sulks, complains, inappropriately teases, is flamboyant, loud and boisterous
- Is closed minded about own mistakes. Can’t handle criticism and gets angry to shut it off
- Becomes angry when his needs are not met and tantrums or intimidates
- Has an attitude of “Anything you can do, I can do better”
- Engages in one-upmanship to seem important
- Acts in a seductive manner or is overly charming
- Is vain and fishes for compliments. Expects you to admire him
- Isn’t satisfied unless he has the “biggest” or “best”
- Seeks status. Spends money only to impress others
- Forgets what you have done for him in the past but keeps reminding you that you owe him today
- Neglects the family to impress others. Does it all: Is a super person to gain admiration
- Threatens to abandon you if you don’t go along with what he wants
- Does not obey the law-sees himself above the law
- Does not expect to be penalized for failure to follow directions or conform to guidelines
- Ignores your feelings and calls you overly sensitive or touchy if you express feelings
- Tells you how you should feel or not feel
- Cannot listen to you and cannot allow your opinions
- Is more interested in his own concerns and interests than yours
- Is unable to see things from any point of view other than his own
- Wants to control what you do and say-tries to micromanage you
- Attempts to make you feel stupid, helpless and inept when you do things on your own
- Has poor insight and cannot see the impact his selfish behavior has on you
- Has shallow emotions and interests
- Exploits others with lies and manipulations.
- Uses emotional blackmail to get what he wants
- May engage in physical or sexual abuse of children
The tyrannical narcissistic father is a bully- a cruel, lying, arrogant person. He is a tyrant that is totally entrenched in his grandiose world and insistent that everyone follow his commands. He is emotionally abusive and can cause significant emotional damage to all family members. Unfortunately, his behaviors cause the relationships within a family to be toxic and can cause lifelong wounds.
If you were raised by a narcissistic parent, then you’ve been taught that the narcissist is always right and you’re the one who’s wrong. A lifetime of such mistreatment typically instills lack of confidence in your own judgment, along with habitual shame at never getting it right or being good enough to deserve the air that you breathe. The children of narcissists may not have realized that the quirks and oddities of their impossible-to-please parents are not in any way unique or special but are in fact the symptoms of a personality disorder. What is Narcissism? A pattern of traits and behaviors which signify infatuation and obsession with one’s self to the exclusion of all others and the egotistic and ruthless pursuit of one’s gratification, dominance and ambition. Most narcissists (75%) are men. People with narcissistic tendencies have errors in thinking which prevents them from seeing things how they are from both sides of the picture. Not wanting to feel bad inside, they build defenses such as denial, repression and a strong need to be right. When the person has severe traits, they can feel an increase in self-esteem when they get what they want and feel no remorse or justify their using others. John Masterson called this rigid type of thinking a “Swiss Cheese Brain” with holes in the brain and mind where good common sense and conscience should be. Some even get a sense of feeling superior when they get their way or make others feel bad. This is the dynamic underlying bullying. When hurting others becomes a hook into feeling self-satisfaction, the narcissism takes an ugly turn. There is a cost to this false sense of self-esteem. People who abuse and bully others end up being lonely because others do not want to be around them. People with narcissistic behavior cannot handle criticism in any way and feel that they are being made wrong. They are supersensitive to criticism and either attack the other person or they leave the scene. This blaming the person who gives criticism helps the person with narcissistic defenses avoid feeling guilt, shame and depression but it also keeps them from taking responsibility for learning from their mistakes and ultimately from growing up. They can pout and give the silent treatment or hold grudges. This combination of these defenses that distort reality often set them up for failure in partnerships. When the narcissistic traits are too severe and causes havoc in the lives of others, there is a disorder. Narcissistic Personality Disorder happens when a person’s outlook is so distorted to the extent that they do not see reality as it is and cannot see the needs of other people. These people are the takers of the world leaving pain and destruction in their wake. If their behavior is left unchecked, they become con artists, manipulators, sociopaths and dictators. Without empathy for others, people with narcissistic personality disorders can irrationally justify and rationalize their hurtful and unlawful behaviors and may become sexual predators. Family members who have sex with children always have some element of narcissism seeing others as objects that are available for their own sexual satisfaction. High intelligence coupled with a lack of empathy and remorse for hurting others is a dangerous combination for family members. With extreme narcissistic behaviors, the diagnosis may be a sociopath personality disorder.
So how do you survive a narcissist father?
Every narcissist is a hero and a legend in his own mind. And, so was my Dad.
- Get into a good therapy. You want to come to terms with dad for who he is, and how he hurt you. He’ is your father after all, and you will need to differentiate from him in order to enjoy his presence without being undermined. It’s no small task.
- His arrogance and constant need for ego stroking can be annoying. Accept Dad for who he is. If you put him into place in your mind, he may simply end up being a lovable, but annoying father. Take the best, as long as he doesn’t still have the power to hurt you.
- Do not let Dad hurt you. If he has a rage attack, you may decide to get in the car and leave. Limits are often a good thing. “Dad, this is not constructive.”
- Cut ties if it is too toxic or dangerous. Some narcissistic parents have violent or abusive tendencies. It goes along with their self righteousness. You are now and adult. Take care and take caution.
- Has your Dad affected your dating habits and choices? Some identify with their father by becoming arrogant themselves. Others are anxious in their attachments because they could never trust Dad’s undivided attention. Do you date narcissistic people yourself?
- Keep your expectations realistic and low. Don’t expect a relationship with a narcissistic person to be based on mutuality or reciprocity. Narcissists are selfish and can’t put your needs on par with their own. As an adult, you can keep these conflicts with your father at a distance; but if you date or marry a narcissist, it probably will wear you out.
- When you want something from a narcissist, convince them that it will be to their benefit. I am not a big fan of dishonesty, but some people with narcissistic traits can be manipulated. When you want such a person to do something for you, you need to spin it in a way so that your request seems to be to their benefit. This may work with your father and with others too.
- Never let a narcissist determine your self-worth. Narcissists lack empathy and the ability to validate others, so be careful about trusting them with sensitive information or sharing important achievements because they won’t treat it with the respect it deserves. I have seen this backfire many times.
- Sometimes compliance is the simplest way to deal with a narcissistic parent. It may sound cheap, but if your father is narcissistic, you may not be interested in cutting him out of your life. He is your Dad, after all. Sometimes, it’s easier, and requires less effort, to comply with most of his wishes. It may not be worth the fight. You are an adult now, and you are not under his roof anymore.
- Alternatively, you can assert your own authority and challenge his. Narcissists get away with their behavior because others (passively) allow them to. Sometimes, you may need to adopt an authoritative stance – and firmly impress upon him that his demeaning attitude is unacceptable. You are no longer a child, and you are not as vulnerable to his rejection or anger. Be prepared for push back. Narcissistic people HATE criticism.
- Pity the Narcissist. Arrogance doesn’t really inspire sympathy or compassion. But at the end of the day, when you think about it, you may come to pity someone who is in constant need of compliments, attention and validation. It is freeing.
Appreciate the Healthy Adults Out There:
While it’s hard to grow up unaffected by a narcissistic father, there may have been others who helped you along the way. Looking back on your life, you may identify a grandfather, a grandmother, a coach, a teacher, a therapist or a religious figure who really appreciated you. Maybe, your mother saved the day.
Take in the Good:
I hope you can find the good. There may have been some good in your narcissistic father. Embrace that, while distancing yourself from the rest. Plus, there may have been special men and women in your upbringing – internalize their good. And, there are good people to care about today – bring in this good as well.
Finally, realize the value within yourself. You don’t have to be great to be good enough. That’s an important healing.
Excerpt from Randi Fine’s Book, Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: The Narcissistic Abuse Survivors Guide to Healing
A father’s role is to love, protect, support and guide his children. Narcissistic fathers do none of those things. They are cruel, arrogant bullies who take advantage of vulnerable children—children who so want and need their love.
The narcissistic father has no respect for his children. He does not consider them individuals in their own right but rather extensions of his perfect self. Children are nothing more than captive narcissistic supply. He sees no other reason for their existence.
Though he may occasionally tell his children that he loves them, his words do not match his actions. He is rarely pleasant; he is often explosive, moody and abusive. When he is not exploiting and devaluing his children he is ignoring them.
The narcissistic father is impossible to please. Children are expected to meet his ever changing, self-centered needs without the benefit of reward. He rules them through manipulation, intimidation and fear. Children do not like how they feel when their narcissistic dad is around, but nothing could ever diminish their need for his love, acceptance and attention.
Children are given little to cling to in that regard; there are elemental acts of paternal care, occasional displays of affection, and glimpses of mercifulness. Sadly, the same gestures so prized by his children are just as easily used against them as emotional blackmail. He is heartless in getting what he wants from them.
The narcissistic father expects his children to cater to his every whim. They are expected to be ready and available to him at all times. That is because narcissistic men have no impulse control, no ability to delay gratification. When they want something they expect to snap their fingers and instantly receive it. If they don’t get their way they throw ferocious temper tantrums.
To avoid having to deal with his terrifying episodes of rage, the narcissistic father’s children walk on eggshells around him. That still provides no insurance. He finds any excuse to get angry.
Nothing his children do is ever good enough. He is intolerant of anything less than perfection— perfection as defined by his distorted ideals. To maintain his delusional, spotless self-image, he demands his children be impeccable in looks, exemplary in actions, and unequalled in performance.
All demands narcissistic fathers place on their children are hypocritical and contradictory. These men are disrespectful to their children but intolerant of their insubordination. They are derogatory and vulgar in the way they speak to their children but expectant of refinement and decency from them. Though mercilessly critical of their children, they are highly offended by their children’s innocuous queries and comments.
Their thinking is backward. The behaviors narcissistic fathers consider disrespectful and insulting—independent thinking, assertion of autonomous beliefs, judgments and opinions, and expression of personal likes and dislikes—are the very things most fathers praise and encourage in their kids.
Children in these environments have no rights and no voice. Their fathers consider themselves lords and masters over their families. All decisions are to be made by them, no questions asked. They feel entitled to choose their children’s friends, clothing and interests. Children who dare to question their fathers’ choices or opinions face terrifying rage and irrational threats.
Fathers may threaten to send the children away or leave them, or threaten bodily harm or death. Threatening statements such as, “I brought you into this world, and I can just as easily take you out of it,” are usually idle, but the children cannot bank on that. They can never be sure of what their maniacal father is capable.
Narcissistic fathers also punish their children through guilt trips with statements such as: “I give you a house to live in, clothes to wear, and food to eat, and this is how you repay me,” or “You are nothing but a selfish ingrate.”
As is the case with all narcissistic parents, nothing brings out more hostility in these fathers than the threat of their children’s autonomy because they fear losing narcissistic supply. As owners of their children, narcissistic fathers feel entitled to feed off of them at will. They claim the right to abuse them mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically. Some fathers, the worst of the worst, sexually abuse as well.
Children have no right to their futures. Their fathers quash their dreams, goals and plans. Their career paths are chosen for them without any consideration for what they want to do with their lives. They want their children to be successful so they can take credit for their achievements, but there is one catch: children are not allowed to have more or achieve more than their narcissistic father has.
Narcissistic fathers demoralize their children. Children are told that they don’t deserve to have or receive nice things. Those who dare to ask for anything more than what is offered are told they are greedy. They are accused of only loving their father for his money. Their father chooses what his child will and will not have, and when he or she will have it. Nothing given is permanent; everything comes with a high price tag.
No matter how devoted the children are or how hard they try to please their father, they are forever held in debt. Nothing they have done before gets credited to them. They are only reminded of what they owe their father in the moment.
While all the children in the family strive to please their father, only one child at a time will be recognized for it. As is true with all narcissistic parents, fathers choose only one golden child. The rest of the children are assigned scapegoat or invisible children roles. Typically chauvinistic, they are more likely to choose a son over a daughter, or the most “manly” son in the family as their golden child.
The golden child is clearly favored, but he knows that the stakes for that veneration are high. He never confuses the preferential treatment he receives from his father with paternal love. His father may toss more crumbs his way than he does his siblings, but true parental love is never shown.
The narcissistic father blinds the golden child into believing that he has the most wonderful, generous father in the world and should be grateful for his privileged status. But the golden status is highly conditional. For one, it often requires the child take sides with his father against his mother and less favored siblings. He is deliberately misled by lies his father tells him to ensure that allegiance. He must also be available to his father, comply with all his rules, and revere him. Any infractions could boot him right out of golden status and get him demoted to scapegoat status.
The scapegoat role is typically assigned to sons with less machismo or daughters, but any child can end up in that doghouse.
Boys who are assigned the role of scapegoat have it rough. Their father mercilessly picks on and bullies them. They are called “sissies” or something to that effect. Scapegoat sons can never rise above the labeling their narcissistic father puts on them. All attempts to demonstrate their masculinity are met with ridicule. No matter what these boys do they can never measure up to their father’s expectations or escape the brunt of his hostility. They are constantly being yelled at, put down, teased, and called names.
Scapegoat sons can only endure the relentless abuse for so long before their hurt turns to anger and they act out. Some run away from home to escape the tyranny, some get into trouble at school or with the law. Some hold out until they are able to achieve independence and then leave as soon as they possibly can. Many numb their pain through substance abuse. Whatever the method of self-liberation, most of them will permanently sever ties with their father.
Daughters raised under the oppression of a narcissistic father seem to have a different experience than sons do. They are likely to receive positive attention from their father during the years when they are cute, compliant little “Daddy’s girls.” As they age they become less valuable.
Some narcissistic fathers begin treating their daughters as if they do not exist. Others may continue paying attention to their daughters but in an entirely negative way. Physically maturing girls may be told they are fat or unattractive. They may be labeled “teases” or “sluts” for the way they dress or for wanting to wear makeup.
Narcissistic fathers enjoy playing on their daughters’ emotions. They tease and provoke the girls to the point of screaming or crying and then say they are too sensitive or call them crazy for the way they’re behaving.
Daughters are not the only females in the family treated poorly. Narcissistic men are emotionally and sometimes physically cruel to their wives as well. Though the spousal abuse occurs away from the public eye, it usually happens in front of the children. Narcissistic fathers frequently place their children in the middle of their marital conflicts and make them choose sides. Neither the children’s feelings nor their emotional health are considered. These things do not concern him. The only feelings that ever matter are his own. All family members are expected to sacrifice their happiness for his. Still, nothing about his family makes him happy.
He prefers not to be with his family at all. If he does spend time with them, the activity must always be focused on his enjoyment. Family activities are never pleasant or fondly remembered by the children because they are never geared toward family fun. The children are made to do whatever their father wants to do—no discussions, no compromise.
Narcissistic men bore easily with the daily routine of having a family. Resentful of the mundane tasks of fatherhood that do not feed their egos, they’d rather spend time with other families that are impressed by their charisma, charm and grandiose stories, and are chock full of narcissistic supply.
Narcissistic fathers find every reason not to engage with their families. Having little or no patience with their children, all child-rearing is left up to their wives. While their wives are busy taking care of the family, they are out looking for excitement and gratification elsewhere, often from other women.
Narcissistic husbands typically have mistresses on the side. It is not uncommon for them to have second families and second homes. They are highly insecure, especially when it comes to their masculinity, so validation from one woman, especially a wife, is not enough. They must keep seeking reassurance from new women through a series of affairs. Unsuspecting newcomers rarely know these men are married.
To justify cheating on their wives, narcissistic men tell themselves lies such as: “She doesn’t appreciate me anymore,” “She doesn’t treat me well,” “She doesn’t really love me,” or “She’s lucky I even stay with her.”
The “other women” are treated much better than their wives are. They must keep up the grand facade to string these women along. If the men do have second families, those children are usually treated better than their legitimate children are. Much more narcissistic supply can be gained from a new family, one who has yet to see what these men are capable of. Some narcissistic men dump their first family and invest entirely in their new one. It is only a matter of time before the cycle of abuse starts all over again with these unsuspecting victims.
Should the first wife leave or divorce her husband before he abandons or divorces her, he will wage a tireless war of revenge aimed at destroying her life and decimating the family unit. Suddenly transforming from worst father ever to “Dad of the Year,” he will rally the children around him. This wake-up call has nothing to do with loving his children or fearing he’ll lose them. His motivation comes entirely from his compulsion to win. He does not really want the children—he wants to punish their mother.
To gain their allegiance, children will be told fabricated lies about their mother. They’ll be told that their mother is not who they think she is—that she is really a bad person, a fake, a liar. Their father will blame the responsibility for all the marital and family problems on her, maintaining that he always loved their mother and tried to keep the marriage together, but that she never loved him and was never faithful to him (more about this inChapter Forty: Divorce and Parental Alienation).
This is a very confusing turn of events for children who had always feared their father and trusted their mother. Now they do not know who to believe, who to trust. Some side with the mother, some with the father. The children’s resentments against their other parent and each other build to a point where reconciliation is nearly impossible. The family is torn apart.
Having successfully achieved what he set out to do, he moves on to his next victim.
No matter the scenario, a trail of pain, heartbreak and devastation is left in the aftermath. Victims who have suffered this abuse are left with a tremendous amount to overcome.
If you are an adult child of a narcissistic father who wants to heal the damage done to you, my best advice to you is to enlist the help of an experienced professional who can help you work through your issues.
It is rational to want to confront the man who stole so many years of happiness from you, but it is pointless to do so. The only thing you will gain is more pain, guilt, anger and confusion. You will never get validation or cooperation from your father. He will never acknowledge what he did, take responsibility for his actions, or change his ways. He will always blame someone else—probably you.
Siring a child makes a man a father but not necessarily a dad. Dads love their children. Dads put their children before all else and all others.
You owe this man for nothing more than the sperm he donated to create you. Any loyalty or love you wish to give him is your choice. You are under no obligation to offer either.
“Give yourself time to heal from a challenge you’ve been dealt. Letting go of hurt doesn’t happen overnight. It happens in the slow, small steps forward. (Plus a few steps backwards at times.) Be gentle and patient with yourself. You don’t let go of a bad relationship because you stop caring about them. You let go because you start caring about yourself.” -Unknown
Not that I really want to talk about Juliette’s awful experience in the hospital. And several complications and issues we’ve had but here are just some of the moments captured where her poor body was just trying to heal. We spent Halloween in the hospital so I didn’t get to see Josie have fun even though she was sick as well. The hospital put on a pretty fun and cool Halloween party that I was able to take Josie to, so that was memorable. She came to the hospital dressed up as a unicorn (of course).
Juliette had x-ray after x-ray, CT scans of the head/neck/abdomen with contrast over and over. Blood cultures, blood work, IV, IV fluids, antibiotics, spinal tap, catheterized for urine, ultrasound after ultrasound-then finally a realization that she needed emergency STAT surgery to remove and empyema that was growing and a placement of a chest tube in her lungs. In my 13 month old ya’ll. So forgive me for being a little scared to get out of my house now-a-days. Forgive me for feeling a little confined. It’s going to take this mama some time to heal. Heal from the family chaos and heal from almost losing my little baby. LIFE IS SO SHORT! Praying over and to God, begging him to watch her in surgery. God is good and he has shown us that this little girl is a FIGHTER! She is stronger than her mama. I can promise you that. We had SO many people praying for us and SO MUCH love sent our way. I cannot (ever) thank those of you who did.
